well, i'm doing good. i know that.
but as long as the exam period is on, i can't relax. not for a moment. i just can't wait. i want to shed like 10 kgs in a week. i want to grab a sandwich, even if i've already had my breakfast, and eat it like it would help me relax. i haven't. and i won't. i keep feeling that if i don't go out and exercise at least for 30 minutes, i'm doing nothing at all.
like i've previously written, this is where i got lost last time. i didn't exercise and so i stopped losing weight.
i began tracking my food a few days ago, and it was cool to see what nutrional needs i met and which i didn't. but now this is an extra stress. i'm being paranoid, because there are a few nutrients that i fail to intake in a sufficient amount every day. i should eat more of certain foods, but how the hell can this be since i'm on a diet? i keep telling myself that. and i keep trying to meet my needs, but it just never happens.i don't want to supplement cause i don't believe much in them.
i think i do this out of a need to sabotage myself. see, i've never been a slim person. no matter how bad i want to be thin though, i have no idea how it feels like. and apparently, i'm subconsciously scared to find out. i've been fat most of my life. i know how it feels and i don't like it. but it's the only shape i know. i know how to function in this body. what is gonna change? i don't know.
it is a ridicolous situation. i mean, all people know that it is better, both for the person and the organism, to be thin. i know that too! and still my mind seems it doesn't want to go there. it doesn't have the guts or the confidence to show to the world and to its people that i can be a different, improved individual.
all the impatience is an outcome of my mind being a coward.
but you know what? i feel better now. it is the first time ever i express this fear. i had almost forgotten its existance and it kept taking control of me without my knowing.
ahh, deep breath. i needed that. it was good to write it all down.
thank you all for listening.