Sunday, September 09, 2012
So this has been an exceptionally hard week for me. I found out that my husband has been communicating with other women online and telling them how attractive they are. At first I was a little annoyed because it was just comments on twitter feeds on their pictures. I thought, " Okay, men just like to look at pretty things." I was hurt and told him so, but he told me I didn't have anything to worry about and that he just thought the picture was cute.
I wasn't completely convinced, but I let it go as best as I could. All the while thinking negative things about myself and how he doesn't find me attractive. I beat myself up all week saying that I was overweight and ugly and no wonder he finds other women attractive. The worst part was the women were all thin and had dark hair. The opposite of me. So then I starting thinking, " Should I dye my hair?" Yes, I'm not proud to admit that.
Then I got to thinking and got really angry. Are we just supposed to be a pretty face ALL THE TIME? Are we not supposed to be whole human beings with feelings, thoughts, interests, preferences? Are we not allowed to gain weight? Does that deem us unattractive and therefore, not worthy? You bet your ass it doesn't!
I have gone through so many emotions this week and now I'm just like, " Hey jerk, I've stood by you through some pretty trying times and now because I don't feel good about myself and I'm not always available to you... you're going to give attention to other people?"
So I've been going walking late at night and blasting songs about taking your power back and not allowing people to diminish you to just your appearance. It's a lesson that is hard learned. That even with ALL that you are, that you just might not measure up in another person's eyes. And... that's okay because at the end of the day the only person you have to measure up to is yourself! YOU have to live with yourself for the rest of your life.
I may not be with him forever, or I might. But I know that at the end of the day if he wants to tell another woman she is hot.... he better first be telling me that I"M EVERYTHING to him or I'm going to find someone who does think so.