Saturday, September 08, 2012
I've had a pretty rough morning. I'm still very sick, but I had to bring my darling daughter to soccer practice. While there I ran into the toxic friendship that I can never seem to escape, and we had a conversation that immediately brought up a lot of old, insecurity issues for me. I'm not sure why this one person affects me like this, but it's honestly not worth thinking about.
I want to talk about what I did.
I was pretty upset by the time practice was over and we were home. I had my usual out-of-control feelings, and I had the usual response of wanting to binge. It's a constant battle even now. But, today I chose to try something different. I sat down at my computer and opened Word. I don't share things like this on most blogs, so I intended it for my eyes only. I had no idea what I would write. I wanted to keep my hands busy. I wanted to vent and feel sorry for myself (while also beating myself up for being inadequate).
That's what I would normally write. But, today something different came out, and I feel like it's a true step in this journey. I decided to share it because it was so unexpected - and it actually made me feel better.
Talking Out The Crazy
Letís pretend for a moment that you are a rational person. Letís really think about what is actually happening in real life. Reality. Remember reality?
Honestly, you are in great shape Ė even with what remains of the belly. Remember what it used to look like? Ew. Get some confidence, girl. You do things other people donít. Now I am not saying get cocky and be a jerk. Leave that to other people Ė you know who I mean. Thatís not you. Youíre fairly humble, but be quietly confident, too. Youíve earned that right, and you will again Ė and again Ė and again. Because thatís how you are.
You have a good heart. No matter who you were, youíre pretty awesome right now. Youíve worked hard to get there. Youíve been through a lot. And, youíve fixed yourself. You worked through it, and once itís worked through, itís gone. Itís not coming back.
This is obviously a slow process. There are definitely still times that bits and pieces come back, but youíve made huge progress. Every day work toward what you want your future to be. Never give up. FIGURE IT OUT. Thatís how you improve. Thatís how you grow.
Lately things have been clicking. Falling into place and working. Keep it up. It pays off. Itís been 4 years of hard work and facing fears, but where is the old Em now? She may still lurk around the periphery on occasion, but she knows not to show her face. You make healthy choices now. Thatís normal. Thatís your normal.
You canít rush growth. Just know it is happening as long as you are trying. Keep learning. Keep dreaming and believing. It will come together.
And, thatís the other thing you have going for you. Youíve got time. 31 and youíve completely turned your life around. Think about how long you have to enjoy it.
So, ENJOY it already! Stop being stupid and trying to compare yourself to others. You are you. You can only be you. So, be yourself and love your life. Every moment.