Friday, September 07, 2012
First of all let me say that this will probably be long and kind of on the emotional side for me. So you may want to skip reading it..lol. This blog is mainly for me to finish healing, and to share.
How to begin. I guess at the beginning..:). Two years ago I finally let myself be talked into having a full body photo taken. I put it up on my sparkpage. It wasn't pretty..lol. But it was a starting point. So how did I get to that point and how have I got to the point of "Really" liking myself?
After going through spousal abuse, rape (the ugly word), and a horrific divorce, I shut myself off. Not just from people but from myself also. It was a chore to just talk myself into getting out of bed. Outside I smiled, talked to people and pretended that I was alright. I didn't talk to anyone about things that had happened including family. I didn't want anyone to worry about me. I could go on. I didn't even care what I really looked liked. I must not have anyway..I gained weight. I was always "curvy"..not really overweight, just had curves. After everything I didn't want people (men) to look at me. I wanted to be invisible. Little did I know how much harm I was doing to me.
I found a friend who didn't let me push him away. He is my bestest male friend in the whole wide world and that is what I tell him to this day..lol. He took that photo that really started me on the road to liking myself again. After we put that photo up on my sparkpage and I was by myself, I sat and cried..how could I have let myself go to that point? I had to start somewhere, to find a point where I could feel alive. I had been doing volunteer work..a lot of it..and I like it. I don't do things to get noticed, but I do and did to make me feel good. It was like a start, a place to smile inside.
I started really trying to eat better and walking. Oh my, that first 1/2 mile walk I knew was going to kill me. I don't think I will ever forget. Huff and puff...knees hurt, joints hurt, my whole body killed me. I would get discouraged and not walk for months at a time. But there was this nagging thought in my mind, you need to be and get better. You need to smile inside and out.
Today, after my walk, I drove in the car so I could see how far my morning walk is...do I hear a drumroll please...2.6 miles. I am doing that 6 days a week for the most part. Slight stop for the knee again..but wrap that knee and I am good. My goal by the end of the month is 3 miles in the mornings. Plus I have been doing strength training for those 6 days a week. Some days there is more of that than other but I am moving. I like it.
I have the best sparkteam in the world..the STOP team. Their motivation is awesome. I feel so close to them and would love to meet them at some point..lol. I am learning about eating better. I feel so much better..inside and out. I have energy and I find myself smiling just because now..a true smile.
The scales and I fight a lot..lol. But I can tell such a big difference. My clothes fit better and in some cases have gotten too big. I have so much more self-confidence now. Do I cry after I see a photo of me? No....now I see the improvements that I have done to help myself.
Yes...I really like myself.
Thank you to my bestest male friend in the whole wide world and to my support team here. I am glad I found Sparkpeople.