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    DEZZIEJAMES   23,341
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My worst enemy.


Friday, September 07, 2012

I would love to tell you that when I left work yesterday, I was in a super mood. I ran home and hopped on the treadmill. I ran 3.1 miles in 25 minutes. I then did 60 minutes of str training, and followed it all up with a healthy fresh greens salad.

If I told you that I would be lying.

I went home. I was in an awful mood. I walked in the kitchen, set my purse on the table, then went to bed. I didn't mean to fall asleep, but I did. I said to hell with housework. To hell with checking on my kids days at school (V is struggling - her aggression is escalating... it's not a good time in Mrs. Wilson's Kindergarten class....) I said to hell with exercise or even eating dinner. I slept until 9:45 when the band-aid on my sewing wounded index finger was hurting too bad for me to ignore. I took it off, cleaned it out then swapped out laundry... so I could have some clean pants today. And no - I am not that far behind on my laundry. I have only 3 pairs of pants I can wear to work, and I have to wash them regularly. But then I went back to bed. I didn't get up until 6:30 this morning. Did I wake up at 5:45 and run? Nope.

I am my own worst enemy. I know I feel better and do better when I exercise, but I don't get out there and do it. I feel better when I eat better, but I still don't always do it. I have all these goals and dreams... but sometimes I just can't love myself enough to DO IT.

Would I treat my children or my friends as poorly as I treat myself? Never. Would I put the garbage that I eat in front of them to eat? NEVER. If they needed help exercising, and were struggling, would I get up and help them? Always. So why can't I treat myself with the same love, kindness, and respect? Why can't I be kinder to myself? Why can't I convince myself that I deserve that kindness... love... respect?

I feel like if I could figure this out... I could crack the issue with my weight loss. I could be the person I was really meant to be in life. I could be a better daughter, sister, mother, friend. Instead I sleep an evening away. I miss a phone call from my friend in FL, and a call from my mom. By the time I realize I missed the calls (10:00), it's too late to call them back. So I go back to bed. I don't want you to think this is typical for me. It isn't. It's usually rock bottom, then I pull myself back up out of this black pit of depression, and do well for awhile. I just have to figure out how to quit being my own worst enemy. But I guess that's something that many other people struggle with too.....

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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
FANGFACEKITTY 9/19/2012 5:04AM

    emoticon Sometimes it all just adds up at what you need is emoticon

Doesn't make you a bad person, or a failure, or any other negative thing. It just means that you are in fact human. After all, it is the woman who usually does everything for everyone else first, always putting herself last, and that just takes a crap load of everything out of us and sometimes we just need to take that day and do...absolutely...nothing.

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TRIANGLE-WOMAN 9/12/2012 4:39PM

    I feel ya sweetie. Been there, done that. What makes it different this time is that you, me, we have an outlet and a way to move through these time much more quickly than we used to.

I would get bogged down in my head for days, weeks...years if I'm honest. Now I careful put my negative brain on hold and just wait it out.

Sleep is good too. Don't beat yourself up....

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NIKKANOODLE 9/11/2012 2:52PM

    Must have been something in the air last week. I was feeling the same way. Less than a month until the color run though so lets get back out there!!! :)

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AGK3112 9/10/2012 11:04AM

    Take one step at a time for a week and try to keep it and then add another step. Hope you get the solution.. emoticon emoticon

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MSBLT82 9/10/2012 8:54AM

    emoticon

Please be kind to yourself. Consider the possibility that if you slept for that long, your body may have needed the sleep. I hope this week is good for you!

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IYA_EKUNDAYO 9/10/2012 7:53AM

    I hope you are feeling better. This is a new week, a new day, a new beginning.
Take a deep breath and just "be" - - you are awesome and I know you were just having a bad day, this happens to me a lot too. I try to focus on the positives in my life.
Chin up - girl friend.
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Regina

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SARASMILING 9/8/2012 6:53AM

    You're right. A lot of us do feel this way and do have days like this, I know I do. I think it's totally normal, especially for creatives, which you are. At least I've been told that artist/creative types deal with this more than others. And like you, I have my day of down in the dumps, cry movie, not wanting to move AT ALL, sometimes a few days.. and then I can finally shake it off, pull myself up and move on.. until next time. You can do this! We can do this! Shake it off. Kick yourself in the ass because you know you're the only one that can and you have no choice. And in a month we'll do this all over again! LOL! I know I do! lol! Come on! We can do this!! We just have to look at these times as part of the cycle. We may need them to revamp our creative mojo. :) You're not alone in it though. Always remember that. And remember it's normal. I crawl into my cave quite often. But today we're going to run out and join the world, kick some ass, and lose a pound or two while we're at it!! WE CAN DO THIS!!! emoticon

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RYDERB 9/7/2012 11:33PM

    emoticon emoticon
In truth I think we're all our own worst enemy at one time or another, and you're right if we could just turn that around and always be our own best friend, we would be unstoppable. I'm so sorry your day was so rough. I hope you have a relaxing weekend, and get a chance to rest, so that you can feel revitalized and ready to ROCK your new week.
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JCARDINAL 9/7/2012 1:08PM

    I'm so sorry you're feeling so down. Hopefully today will be a better day! emoticon

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DOGSTARDADDY 9/7/2012 11:52AM

    Keep the faith darlin'.

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ADARKARA 9/7/2012 11:23AM

    I hope you're feeling better today. Sometimes we just exhaust ourselves and need to rest. You have a lot on your plate!

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CHEETARA79 9/7/2012 10:37AM

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I hate that you're feeling this way! I wish I could come up with a magical phrase or sentence to turn this situation around for you. All I can say is, don't try to do all of the healthy things all at once. Just do a little every day, let your momentum build and eventually you will form those healthy habits that you want in your life.

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TALULAX- 9/7/2012 10:24AM

    I think this is a very common issue with most people. I know personally I struggle with it. Something I learned is finding a balance between pushing oneself so you can achieve success all while knowing when to be gentle/kind to yourself. I donít think you should be so hard on yourself for taking a time out. Sometimes we need that. It is when it becomes a habit or daily thing that it turns into a problem. Yesterday is done. You had your rest. Today is a new one. Go out and kick some butt! emoticon

Hope your finger gets to feelin better and you do too!

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