Friday, September 07, 2012
I would love to tell you that when I left work yesterday, I was in a super mood. I ran home and hopped on the treadmill. I ran 3.1 miles in 25 minutes. I then did 60 minutes of str training, and followed it all up with a healthy fresh greens salad.
If I told you that I would be lying.
I went home. I was in an awful mood. I walked in the kitchen, set my purse on the table, then went to bed. I didn't mean to fall asleep, but I did. I said to hell with housework. To hell with checking on my kids days at school (V is struggling - her aggression is escalating... it's not a good time in Mrs. Wilson's Kindergarten class....) I said to hell with exercise or even eating dinner. I slept until 9:45 when the band-aid on my sewing wounded index finger was hurting too bad for me to ignore. I took it off, cleaned it out then swapped out laundry... so I could have some clean pants today. And no - I am not that far behind on my laundry. I have only 3 pairs of pants I can wear to work, and I have to wash them regularly. But then I went back to bed. I didn't get up until 6:30 this morning. Did I wake up at 5:45 and run? Nope.
I am my own worst enemy. I know I feel better and do better when I exercise, but I don't get out there and do it. I feel better when I eat better, but I still don't always do it. I have all these goals and dreams... but sometimes I just can't love myself enough to DO IT.
Would I treat my children or my friends as poorly as I treat myself? Never. Would I put the garbage that I eat in front of them to eat? NEVER. If they needed help exercising, and were struggling, would I get up and help them? Always. So why can't I treat myself with the same love, kindness, and respect? Why can't I be kinder to myself? Why can't I convince myself that I deserve that kindness... love... respect?
I feel like if I could figure this out... I could crack the issue with my weight loss. I could be the person I was really meant to be in life. I could be a better daughter, sister, mother, friend. Instead I sleep an evening away. I miss a phone call from my friend in FL, and a call from my mom. By the time I realize I missed the calls (10:00), it's too late to call them back. So I go back to bed. I don't want you to think this is typical for me. It isn't. It's usually rock bottom, then I pull myself back up out of this black pit of depression, and do well for awhile. I just have to figure out how to quit being my own worst enemy. But I guess that's something that many other people struggle with too.....