Friday, September 07, 2012
i have been doing alot of it of late. Trying to come to grips with why this situation has impacted me so hard. I feel it all boils down to my past painfully similar situations. Lots of old unresolved issues. Let me explain a little...
While not wanting to unload in a deluge of too much information, i need to unload a little for my own benefit. My job history is peppered with instability. There have been a number of times over the years that i have been called into the office to be ''pink-slipped''. When you have been shot out of he saddle enough times, all it takes is to hear the sound of a hammer being cocked to produce a fight or flight response.
I have struggled all my life with not being good enough and nothing drives that home more than losing your job. No matter how logical the economics of the decision, no matter how understandable, in the end when choices were made, i wasn't worth keeping. Add in the loyalty i showed, taking on the crap jobs that others were above doing, being available at a moments notice on weekend, trashing my plans so i could help my employer in crisis, the feelings of abandonment and betrayal are overpowering.
In short, it is traumatizing to have your world turned on its ear.
Although this situation is not the same, i believe it has dredged up all those old feelings. To go to work energized because you love what you do and in a moment being totally blown away. Driving home in stunned silence while my mind calculates my next move only to come up with nothing. Doing my best to keep a stiff upper lip in front of everyone only to have to retreat somewhere and sob uncontrollably so i can regain my composure.
I guess men aren't supposed to cry but this isn't Hollywood and some things are too much for me to carry.
I think i never really got over those past events and the painful memories, the desperate job searches, praying that someone, ANYONE would look favorably upon me. All of that comes back to me like it happened yesterday.
I don't want to fight that war again.
That is why i am struggling. i have woken out of a dead sleep with my heart coming out of my chest, sweating with no recollection of what was happening or why except for just a consuming fear.
I think there is some serious, unresolved bitterness in my heart for how i have been treated in the past.
This could be a gift, an opportunity to confront it like the other things in my past and get it resolved. As bad as those situations were, they always had a happy ending eventually. I have never missed a meal, never had my lights shut off and have learned the difference between wants and needs. There is good to be found in this situation and this could be Gods way of getting me to see it.
None of this is any of my doing, it isnt in any way my fault and therefore it isn't personal, unlike the other times where i felt like i was singled out because i wasnt worth keeping.
This has nothing to do with me. I need to let go of my past hurts and anger and i need to forgive. Putting something behind me is not the same as forgiving.
Only when i forgive will i ever be free from all of this.
Thank you everyone for all of the love, support and yes, the tough love. All of it is deeply appreciated. To me, love is shown when someone feels i am worth taking the time to comment, to encourage, or to let me have it.