Thursday, September 06, 2012
Taking the time. I can't believe how many tears I have. Last blog entry I made, Naomi gifted me with the remark that as we age this power becomes less of a burden. I really hope so. My power feels like a terrible burden.
Yesterday, I listened to a podcast recommended by my sister. It had to do with, well, new paradigms for the economy, community-building and other new age things that interest me.
One thing that pushed a button for me was the word "commitment."
Another was the concept of safety and trust.
Both of these make me cringe.
I have built my life with the ideals of flexibility, creativity, spontaneity, and autonomy. I hear this soft whisper that commitment and safety might expand my potential for experiencing joy, but my history with it is dark.
And then I think, what history with it? Exactly when have I experienced those things?
My siblings are really sad for me that those are my ideals. They want for me to experience more safety and commitment in my life. I know. And they want more loyalty from me.
Loyalty. I cringe again. People wanting things from me. Always. Wanting my strength. Wanting me to exert my power to improve their lives.
And also, how can I say no, if I have the power to do it? What does that make me? I really do not like people expecting things of me. Especially emotional support. I don't mind giving it freely, but I hate the expectations.
When my husband, whom I adore and share my ideals with, and I got married 9 years ago, we made as minimal a commitment as law allows. I said, "I promise to be your wife" with the explicit understanding that what that might mean was open to change. We have not, as of yet, changed that meaning from a traditional, monogamous role. But I feel reassured by its openness.
Safety. Trust. Commitment. Loyalty. If I am bold, how can experiment with incorporating these in my life? First I have to get over the disgust they make me feel. Then I can experiment freely and see if they DO improve my life.
Abstract enough? Geesh.