Thursday, September 06, 2012
still no concrete word on what the outcome will be concerning our labor contract issues. I do not do well in situations like this. Last time there was a major problem at work ie...layoff.... I gained 20 lbs in less than four months. It seems like i can soldier on through so many tough situations with a gung ho attitude. Situations that are truly difficult but it seems like in situations like this, i fold up like a piece of paper.
The race i ran an the first was alot of fun and a nice distraction but it was only temporary.
I am drained and my motivation is evaporated like i never had it. So many of my old demons have reared their ugly heads. Its times like this that make me wonder if i have made any real progress at all. i dont care how much ''combat training'' i had, how many successful ''campaigns'' i have been through, it all means nothing to me if a certain type of fear and anxiety can simply rattle its sword and i drop my rifle and run without firing a shot.
The old food addict is back. If food were booze, i would be coming off a 3 day drunk. I thought i was past all that and finally replaced those bad habits with the right ones but i guessed wrong. Once an addict, always an addict. I guess i just havent had the right pressure applied. I feel like a spineless coward.
Its crazy how that when all is well on the job front, you couldnt torture me enough to go after a box of donuts or a pizza but let the right turmoil be applied and my resolve is pushed over with a feather and the door to destructive habits is flung open wide.
its a good thing i dont drink or i would be in big trouble.
This is my Achilles Heel, my big flaw.
I can be strong and fearless when it comes to some things and run away at the mere rumor of others. I guess this is what makes me human. Now to deal with it somehow.
I have been reading in a book about drug addiction recovery that there are many stages of change and motivation. I read that is very common for recovering addicts to move from maintenance and action to a relapse of abuse then to linger in the early stages of contemplation of change. It was encouraging to read that it does not mean they dont care any more and they are not out of the game.
Neither am i but it hurts to know that i have been so strong for so long then to collapse so easily. I will always an addict and i guess it doesnt matter what big things i manage to pull off, my addiction will wait patiently while i have my time in the limelight then be there to pounce on me while i am alone in the darkness, just me and my demons.
Just because they have been silenced for a time does not mean they have gone away. Just because i am weak does not mean im worthless. Just because i struggle does not mean im defeated. Just because i caved in to my fears does not mean im a coward.
I will be bigger than my addiction and i will get the upper hand.
Its ok to fail.