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struggling but getting by..

Thursday, September 06, 2012

still no concrete word on what the outcome will be concerning our labor contract issues. I do not do well in situations like this. Last time there was a major problem at work ie...layoff.... I gained 20 lbs in less than four months. It seems like i can soldier on through so many tough situations with a gung ho attitude. Situations that are truly difficult but it seems like in situations like this, i fold up like a piece of paper.

The race i ran an the first was alot of fun and a nice distraction but it was only temporary.

I am drained and my motivation is evaporated like i never had it. So many of my old demons have reared their ugly heads. Its times like this that make me wonder if i have made any real progress at all. i dont care how much ''combat training'' i had, how many successful ''campaigns'' i have been through, it all means nothing to me if a certain type of fear and anxiety can simply rattle its sword and i drop my rifle and run without firing a shot.

The old food addict is back. If food were booze, i would be coming off a 3 day drunk. I thought i was past all that and finally replaced those bad habits with the right ones but i guessed wrong. Once an addict, always an addict. I guess i just havent had the right pressure applied. I feel like a spineless coward.

Its crazy how that when all is well on the job front, you couldnt torture me enough to go after a box of donuts or a pizza but let the right turmoil be applied and my resolve is pushed over with a feather and the door to destructive habits is flung open wide.

its a good thing i dont drink or i would be in big trouble.

This is my Achilles Heel, my big flaw.

I can be strong and fearless when it comes to some things and run away at the mere rumor of others. I guess this is what makes me human. Now to deal with it somehow.

I have been reading in a book about drug addiction recovery that there are many stages of change and motivation. I read that is very common for recovering addicts to move from maintenance and action to a relapse of abuse then to linger in the early stages of contemplation of change. It was encouraging to read that it does not mean they dont care any more and they are not out of the game.

Neither am i but it hurts to know that i have been so strong for so long then to collapse so easily. I will always an addict and i guess it doesnt matter what big things i manage to pull off, my addiction will wait patiently while i have my time in the limelight then be there to pounce on me while i am alone in the darkness, just me and my demons.

Just because they have been silenced for a time does not mean they have gone away. Just because i am weak does not mean im worthless. Just because i struggle does not mean im defeated. Just because i caved in to my fears does not mean im a coward.

I will be bigger than my addiction and i will get the upper hand.

Its ok to fail.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    This is all a process and through it all, we learn so much about ourselves. I know how you are feeling right now because I am dealing with similar demons.

    You are right..... we all fail but it is what we do afterwards that makes the difference. You are reaching out and we are all here to support you.

    Never give in..... Keep pushing through strong. And if you have a weak moment, let it pass and move forward. Because you are worth it!
    1394 days ago
    I know the feeling & I've not had your successes
    Best of luck to your weight lose
    1394 days ago
  • v CAROLZ1967
    Sorry about your work struggles. I hope it is all resolved soon and that you can feel like yourself again too.
    1394 days ago
  • v EWL978
    I've read all the posts ahead of mine and decided that I didn't have anything new to post to you...I understand how you're feeling and it's so difficult to find yourself in that position.

    The most important thing I can tell you is to "GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK"!!!!

    In the scheme of things, this will be determined eventually and twenty years from now it won't have meant that much after all... you need to take care of yourself if you want to stay well.

    Just keep on keeping on and any time you want to vent, just DO IT!!!!

    1394 days ago
    You have acknowledged the problem. Now get rid of the "Stinkin' Thinkin;" and get on with your healthier ways. We are all going to have moments (okay, maybe the occasional binge) but we can get over ourselves, being our own worst enemy, and move on. Fall back a step, then put feet back on the right track. You can do it, and you have a whole community of support.

    We can't help with the job situation, unfortunately, but we can rally the troops and help ease your way.
    1394 days ago
    Ironman does not mean Superman.

    Who--besides you--would talk to you the way you've talked to yourself in this blog? You're SO hard on yourself here, and why? Because you're not perfect?

    Hmmm. Is it possible "perfect" contributed to your health issues in the first place?

    Perhaps in addition to your runs and bike rides, you might consider establishing two new habits: (1) a daily one-minute meditation on what you've done well that day. Get in front of the mirror and tell yourself the truth: you work hard, you follow-through on commitments, you share with others so they can live better lives too, etc. (2) a daily gratitude list. It doesn't matter what goes on it--even if it's only one item, put down on paper that for which you are grateful.

    Over time, perhaps your meditation time could increase and your gratitude list could grow. And both will give you the perspective you need to weather such storms as this one.

    Then you can shut up the critic in your head who is pounding you with the fear that you are not quite good enough no matter what you do, you are not quite perfect enough no matter how hard you work.

    Personally, I'd like to sit that person down and explain to him that he's a rude, over-the-top bully who needs to back off one of the finest people I've ever not met.

    1394 days ago
    It is tough, and I think we've all struggled with it. Will probably struggle with it again, in some form or another.

    The only help I can offer, is when I am really down on myself about what I've done, how I've thrown away progress with both hands, I do my best to perform some tiny action in a positive direction. Maybe I just can't bring myself to run at that time, but I can do 5 minutes of ab work. Something like that; something small but positive.

    I don't know if that helps; you are doing so much right. But I think our demons are always there. We just have to feed the good dog, not the nasty one.

    Hang in there.
    1394 days ago
  • v SWEDE_SU
    you are facing some really difficult times, but you have a support network here that is there for *you* and you will get through this, stronger than ever - it's hard to see it now, but you will!
    1394 days ago
  • v LAURIE5658
    Robert, I am not very good with wordy words in this kind of situation BUT please know that I truly care. Much love, my friend.

    1394 days ago
  • v COOKIE_AT_51
    It sounds like you are doing all the right things ... you are learning about yourself, you are aware of your addiction, and you haven't given up.
    I think an important reference for you is the video you posted of the man who lost 450 pounds and then regained 300. Like he said you have to fix the inside ... I am so with that. You ARE doing that, it will take time, you will have slip ups, you are human :)
    Keep loving yourself, forgive yourself, and keep going forward by learning and doing. You are an inspiration to me and I am sure MANY others. Keep sparkin' emoticon
    1394 days ago
    Think of the worst case scenario. Now what if that happened? Let me encourage Yo. It happened to us twice. And all the things I had feared really just didn't happen and it was hard but it was also good. It brought opportunity. What if kills our peace. Cling to someone greater than yourself and be still. Wishing you peace.
    1394 days ago
    good luck in your battles we are here to help in any way we can
    1394 days ago
  • v MRFUZZ
    Once again you have said it so well. You will overcome this. I have no doubt you have the power within you to continue to succeed. Thank you for sharing. We are here for you!
    1394 days ago
  • v FITFOODIE806
    You are absolutely right: it is ok to fail. You're facing your demons and stronger because of it. Strong doesn't equal ironman. Strong is self awareness, willing to take risks, willing to fail and come out better. You are strong!
    1394 days ago
    We are all "'Food Addicts""--LOL--guess that's why we are here-to learn to live with them---change what we use to medicate us--not food--perhaps exercise--Great blog---By recognizing yer problem, you can work with it---Don't sweat the small stuff!-----I try to live with that--Lynda emoticon
    1394 days ago
    Been there, done that. My blog today talks about what I find hardest about maintenance... and you just hit it big time: life changes. You're smack up against a huge one. I, too, struggle with being a compulsive eater... using food as a drug.

    And I am VERY familiar with not just how quickly one can fall back into old habits, but how quickly it pushes us to emotional extremes of thinking it's not worth it, that WE aren't worth it. But that is a LIE, told by the addiction.

    YOU are a worthy human being. YOU have come far, yes... this will always be a part of you, yes... but that doesn't make you any less worthy! I give you my hand. Take it and fight on. Just for today. Just for the next decision. We'll talk about the following one later: just THIS decision, right now, this moment. To care about YOU.

    Because you're worth it!
    1394 days ago
    One of the moat important tenants of recovery is that you don't need to beat yourself up when you have a "Slip". It is about Progress not Perfection, and my friend you have made emoticon progress. Learn from what has happened and see if you can find away not to feel so fearful, or accept feeling fearful, next time or in the next couple of days seeing how you are still in the same situation.

    You can do this, just liek every thing else you keep proving to yourself. emoticon
    1394 days ago
    when you can control things it is "easier" to put your mind to things... when things are beyond your control (work situation) you really do not impact the outcome so this causes you stress. You have identified the stresser you can control what you do about it!

    Give yourself the credit you deserve for how far you have come! You did it... you CAN handle this also. Just figuring it out has given you the strength to see this through. Everything is already in Gods hands anyway..... trust He WILL see this through with you.
    1394 days ago
    I struggle with emotional eating too. Just starting to try to understand and get a handle on it. Oh well, it is what it is. I just keep working at it, reading the articles, focusing more on fitness, keeping calorie count reasonable, and looking for "those other things" to be thankful about. It seems hard sometimes. Life happens. I guess all we can do for now is to keep moving forward.
    1394 days ago
    Dear friend, I feel your pain. We all have weak places that need a crutch to help us through them. If we cannot walk away we need to deal with things the best way possible. I had 3 incidents of being short tempered, and I didn't behave quite as I might. In shame I looked for my usual solace. Somehow I did manage to avoid it, walked hard and fast and got distracted by the walk. You are not in control of the issues at your workplace and so the "fear of the unknown" is bothering you. I'm sure you have looked at the worse case scenario, you have made plans and can just wait for the outcome. In the meantime don't beat yourself up, you are a hard working man trying to support your family, it is natural to be concerned. Talk things over with your family, they need to know why you are so concerned, they will surprise you with their responses.
    sending hugs, Sandra
    1394 days ago
  • v OPTIMIST1948
    No person is truely worthless. Bravery and courage is what enables us to pick ourselves back up after a lapse.

    Be brave.
    1394 days ago
  • v YIWEN39
    Sorry you're having to fight your demons again, but glad you're blogging about it, so we can be there for you!
    Hang on to your good habits, go for a run or a walk or anything that will clear your head, reach out to your friends and believe in yourself. This too will pass, and you will come out of this struggle even stronger.
    Whatever you do, just do not give up!
    1394 days ago
  • v KAREN2LOSE55
    Yep, you said it. It is an addiction and we can't let our guard down or it'll be consuming us just like it had before and what got us here to begin with! Hang in there and get moving and grooving with whatever you LOVE to move with! Attack the demons that way! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1394 days ago
    Hey buddy, I'm up if you need to chat. Hang in there you can beat this. Hop on that new bike and take it for a mind clearing spin, pedal til you can pedal no more, knowing you, you would end up in Iowa emoticon
    1394 days ago
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