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struggling but getting by..

Thursday, September 06, 2012

still no concrete word on what the outcome will be concerning our labor contract issues. I do not do well in situations like this. Last time there was a major problem at work ie...layoff.... I gained 20 lbs in less than four months. It seems like i can soldier on through so many tough situations with a gung ho attitude. Situations that are truly difficult but it seems like in situations like this, i fold up like a piece of paper.

The race i ran an the first was alot of fun and a nice distraction but it was only temporary.

I am drained and my motivation is evaporated like i never had it. So many of my old demons have reared their ugly heads. Its times like this that make me wonder if i have made any real progress at all. i dont care how much ''combat training'' i had, how many successful ''campaigns'' i have been through, it all means nothing to me if a certain type of fear and anxiety can simply rattle its sword and i drop my rifle and run without firing a shot.

The old food addict is back. If food were booze, i would be coming off a 3 day drunk. I thought i was past all that and finally replaced those bad habits with the right ones but i guessed wrong. Once an addict, always an addict. I guess i just havent had the right pressure applied. I feel like a spineless coward.

Its crazy how that when all is well on the job front, you couldnt torture me enough to go after a box of donuts or a pizza but let the right turmoil be applied and my resolve is pushed over with a feather and the door to destructive habits is flung open wide.

its a good thing i dont drink or i would be in big trouble.

This is my Achilles Heel, my big flaw.

I can be strong and fearless when it comes to some things and run away at the mere rumor of others. I guess this is what makes me human. Now to deal with it somehow.

I have been reading in a book about drug addiction recovery that there are many stages of change and motivation. I read that is very common for recovering addicts to move from maintenance and action to a relapse of abuse then to linger in the early stages of contemplation of change. It was encouraging to read that it does not mean they dont care any more and they are not out of the game.

Neither am i but it hurts to know that i have been so strong for so long then to collapse so easily. I will always an addict and i guess it doesnt matter what big things i manage to pull off, my addiction will wait patiently while i have my time in the limelight then be there to pounce on me while i am alone in the darkness, just me and my demons.

Just because they have been silenced for a time does not mean they have gone away. Just because i am weak does not mean im worthless. Just because i struggle does not mean im defeated. Just because i caved in to my fears does not mean im a coward.

I will be bigger than my addiction and i will get the upper hand.

Its ok to fail.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • v DUXGRL1
    I am catching up on blogs, but I know that I go through the same thing. I think that we will always have to be vigilant, because we will never be totally "cured" but we can manage it better than before.
    1400 days ago
  • v KIPPER15
    I am an emotional stress eater. An addict per say. I can relate to what happens when job stress takes over, I live in Michigan too and have suffered "Michigan syndrome" too. I was jobless for over a year and ate my way through it. No fun on any front. I know you can survive this, we can survive this. It is hard but we can push through this. Put faith in yourself and a higher power if you believe in one. You will survive and come out stronger. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1410 days ago
    There is no such thing as an ex addict it is always a recovering addict because you have to get to the root of what makes you run back to that comfort, we are all in the same boat Just keep your head up, it will get better. We all have the same struggles but the one good thing that we have is each other. So what if you stumbled it that you get back up that matters. We are all in this together. You can make it through and you will be even stronger. Good luck on tomorrow and make it count. emoticon
    1412 days ago
  • v ANDASI
    Do not allow the action of the caving to define you it is one moment in time.

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    1413 days ago
  • v NANHBH
    Very well said. In addiction programs, it is said that even though the addict is in recovery, the disease is still living under the surface, waiting to rear it's ugly head. So you learned that you are human. You are not in denial. You've done an honest gut check. That's what it takes to get back on track & succeed.
    emoticon emoticon
    1416 days ago
    "God, grant me the SRENITY to accept the things I cannot change, COURAGE to change the things I can, and WISDOM to know the difference." I find that when I feel life is spinning out of control and I don't know how to handle it that if I do take control of whatever I can (diet and exercise) it helps me cope with the things I can't. Let the stuff at work take care of itself. Yes, you will have to deal with the outcome, but you can't really control the outcome. Don't give up on your goal of being a triathlete and everything that entails. EMBRACE it right now! Let it be your life-blood.

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    1416 days ago
  • v _MOBII_
    Yep, you are human! But you haven't failed....failure is not getting back up, and I don't see you staying down. You're a fighter and you will be able to deal with whatever life throws at you!
    1417 days ago
    I understand having a setback. You made some choices that you're now regretting. Don't beat yourself up for it though! We're not perfect and that's ok.
    Tomorrow is a new day! You can do this! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1417 days ago
    THIS TOO SHALL PASS..... You have had your slip. now, onward and upward. Keep in training shape tp deal with what may come. No worries about it. Just be in your best health to help you deal with it. Get on that fancy smancy bike and ride til you can think straight again. Then, run til your mind is cleared. Then, shower and cleanse all the fear out of your body. Whether you know it or not, you have trained to so super human events and can handle whatever comes your way. I know, not knowing is the variable here. However, you have faith in yourself to do your superhuman feat events so use that faith to know you will make it through this period also. Put your dedicated training to work here to train to handle stress. I totally believe in you! Hugs
    1417 days ago
    Hang in there Robert! We're all standing behind you.
    1417 days ago
    Weak? Crumple like paper? Really? I'm going to be really unpopular right about now...Do I think you are a food addict, a pizza junkie or donut fiend? NO, really truly NO!

    Do I think you make bad choices under stress, yep. Have I ever seen one, fit person under duress kill a bag of a baby carrots? Uh, NO?! Stress causes your body to have many reactions. Currently my hair is falling out for no apparent medical reason, except stress. You had your pity party, apparently it didn't make the stress go away, just snowball over your alleged weakness. You simply made bad choices probably to combat the physical effects of the stress. Your body is programmed to save itself. Simply give it some other options. For me exhaustion is part of the stress, lack of sleep etc. Can I lay down? Will coffee or caffeine in some non-caloric version work? If I grab the 220 calorie Hershey bar with almonds because I need to drive 75 miles home, I'm beat down tired and I know the caffeine will be better delivered to my brain WITH SUGAR, am I an addict? Naw, simply married to the drug doctor.

    Sometimes those things your body wants to some degree you need at the moment in time. (I can feel the tomatoes being lobbed right mow!)The difference is choosing a candy bar versus the KING size candy bar. The difference is maybe two slices of pizza (instead of the whole pie) will put you to sleep, the Thanksgiving effect and that's what you need?

    The goal is to hear what you need, give it to your body. Need a nap, take one. Need some endorphins, pedal away. Too tired, too stressed to go hard? Go for the half-a** workout. Mindless drivel on the bike for 30 minutes or a light run and a few push-ups, cool-it's a win. Give yourself a break, cancel the pity party. Part of this journey is to sometimes just HOLD STEADY...There is no shame in simply trying, sure stumbles happen. Move on, today is a new day-right the ship and simply hold steady for a while.

    1417 days ago
    First off, you are NOT a spineless coward - you are a human being reacting to the unknown the only way you know how. The only person who has to decide if that reaction is healthy or not is YOU.

    Life is 20% what happens, and 80% how we react to it. Choose a reaction you can life with - then stop beating yourself up every time you slip.

    You can do this, Robert. I know you can. I have absolute faith in you.
    1417 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon i like the end... you are not giving up, you refuse2quit! doesn't mean you aren't struggling.... and having a relapse during 1 of those major life events IS very normal and considered a normal part of change. Hang in! You'll live through this too! (hugs)
    1417 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/7/2012 3:04:50 PM
  • v BEECHNUT13
    You can't control what happens at work. You CAN control how you react to it. You haven't "thrown it all away" yet, but it sounds like you're talking yourself into it. Think about how far you've come! Your NEW BIKE!

    What is the worst that will happen if people strike at work? Or get laid off?

    Now, what is the worst that will happen if you give up on yourself and you gain your weight back?

    You had a blip - it sounds like you gave in. That isn't going to do you in. Get up, and keep going! No amount of worry is worth the double whammy of giving up on yourself. You can do this! Sh*t, you have to do it - if you can't do it, how can I?
    1417 days ago
  • v JANE4041
    I know exacly how you feel... I too am addicted and it is rearing it's ugly head recently... lost 100 pounds and put back on about 25 due to stress.... real or imagined.... now to try and be strong again for me.... I am with ya on this one... it is NOT easy
    1417 days ago
    Yes, it is. It is okay to fail.

    I thought of you today at my WW meeting. The leader wanted us to rally around the statement that "this is the last time" we'll ever face losing weight. She found almost no one that would join her, and I think that she felt it was a failure in our thinking and motivation. That we don't believe in ourselves enough.

    I cannot speak for anyone but myself, but I'm not afraid of the thought that "this may NOT be the last time" I ever have to lose weight. In fact, I don't think I will ever end this journey. Will I reach goal eventually? Yes, I believe I can and will. But I will also live life - with all its ups and downs - constantly along the way. And after reaching goal, LIFE will still happen, and there will be fluctuations in my weight.

    I remembered what you said about my part of the process - the part that I can control - is the choices I make. But the result - the way and timeframe my body will release weight - is not in my control. That I should just stop worrying about that part. The numbers can be such a mind game.

    Anyway, did not mean to make this about me. Just wanted you to know that your words have changed the way I think of this journey. And I know that even though you are in a rough patch in several areas of your life .... this ain't over yet! And you will be okay. Better than okay. You will be a winner in the end because you never gave up.

    1417 days ago
  • v 4RASCALS
    You are a very strong person. Look at how far you have come. Yes the demons will try to
    discourage you, because your under a lot of stress now. The fear of not knowing can be
    overwhelming. Know that we are here for you. You have inspired me to get my act together.
    It's not easy, but you will come through this much stronger. Your in my thoughts & prayers.
    1417 days ago
    It's a tough road Robert, and I battle it every single day (and feel like I'm losing right now too - and not in the right way). My husband quit his job and I have been eating my way through it and it shows!! Keep pushing, this too shall pass.
    1417 days ago
  • v 123ELAINE456
    You can get through this. Get back on Track with everything. This soon shall pass. YOU CAN DO THIS!!! God Bless You and Have a Wonderful Week. KEEP PUSHING FORWARD!!! Have a Nice Day.
    1417 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/6/2012 3:17:32 PM
  • v DR8561
    Turning to food under stress was a reflex. You fell back into an old habit that revived the cravings. I've been there more than once. You know what to do to get control again. Go back to the beginning and abstain from the trigger foods. Use exercise to relieve the stress. Let yourself feel and don't try to stuff the feelings down with food. Blogging can help and your Spark friends are more than willing to listen. You've got this! emoticon
    1417 days ago
    First of all, I truly just want to punch you dead in the eye.
    Not really sure what else to say but that.

    Got it.
    Got it.
    Got it.



    I am not your average Spark Friend and I think you know that.
    I am not going to give you advice.
    I am not going to give you some book to read or some prayer to recite.

    It just pi$$es me off.

    I get the addiction thing. I am a recovering anorexic, bulimic and binge eater.
    Recovering. Every day is a work in progress.
    So I get it.
    Yeah, it is like alcohol or drugs.


    No pill, no drink, no PIZZA is worth giving up everything that is already behind you.

    So, if you were climbing some big a$$ mountain right now and you were hit with some big a$$ snow storm...
    You would climb down the mountain?
    You would stay put and let it bury you?
    You would allow yourself to freeze to death?

    Gimme a break, Robert!

    With all the love in my heart and all the friendship I hold dear...
    Get your a$$ up the freakin' mountain!

    Harsh? Probably...
    You can take it.
    You aren't some piece of paper that can crumble.

    And yes, I owe you a punch in the eye!!

    1417 days ago
  • v GINA180847
    I totally agree wih Lindak25 and I was just thinking "Mind Over Body Series" when I read her comment. It is so excellent and helpful. Robert you will prevail and all of life is an up and down series but you will prevail. If we were not dealing with keeping our weight down we would be in a whole different world worried about starving along with our families. Life will never be easy. This physical world is a school for us to learn lessons and work at them. The friendships we have and the assistance organizations like Spark gives us are all gifts from the Almighty to be grateful for but in the end the struggle is us against our internal beast. We think some have it easy but I think not, just different.
    1417 days ago
    The only failure is quitting...and I would say the only failure is quitting FOR GOOD. As long as you're still here, as long as you're still mindful...your plans may not be falling into place and you may be eating more and exercising less than you'd like but you WILL get back on track and in the meantime things won't get as bad as they would if you just threw caution to the winds!

    Stress can be a killer, make sure you're taking care of yourself! emoticon
    1417 days ago
  • v LINDAK25
    emoticon Go to this Spark site and read the articles!

    Taming the Emotional Eating Beast and Move Beyond Toxic Guilt are both great and they give you concrete coping strategies. Please check it out.

    1417 days ago
    You are stronger than you think, Robert, and each time you face those demons again and knock them back down, you come up stronger. Fighting them and losing a battle or two does not mean losing the war; you WILL win in the end if you do not give up. One day, one choice at a time is what we have to deal with.
    1417 days ago
    emoticon emoticon
    Also remember, you are not alone!!
    1417 days ago
    Sending you positive vibes.
    1417 days ago
  • v GRACED777
    Being faced again and again with my addictions reminds me of my need for my Lord and other people. As you have discovered for yourself, reaching out for help exposes things to the light. Our demons can't stand to be revealed in the light--they like being dark and secretive. So keep your struggles visible and strength to fight will come again, friend!
    1417 days ago
    There are some tough situations in life all right... and unfortunately is takes a lot of practice to figure out how to get through them in a healthy way. Keep on keepin on my friend. You can do it!
    1417 days ago
    Robert...the one thing I have realized by living life is there is no security. Especially when the recession hit. Except for with God. He will always provide for you and your family. He takes care of the lillies of the field and bazillions of birds. He will not fail you or forsake you. Despite the circumstances, He will always be there for you. Depending on that kind of love is what will get you through. So hand over the anxiety to The One, even if you have to hand it over again and again. He's got it! Hugs, brother!!!
    1417 days ago
    I'm going to be somewhere in between LDRICHEL and some of the others in my response................... !

    I understand what's going on right now in regards to stress and motivation. I've had a lot of crap going on this summer that still hasn't ended, and I essentially "gave up" doing the things I know I need to do despite thinking I, too, had a better handle on that at this time in my life. It's a tough spot to be in ..........this knowing and still not doing.

    So............yep, allow yourself a day or so to wallow now that you are being open and honest about all this.............the do what you'd tell us to do. Get out there and DO. Life is always going to hand us crap that we cannot control. Our inability to control it all is what brought us to Spark People in the first place. We were searching for answers and ended up coming to a site to help us find our own. This bump in the journey is a temporary setback ****IF YOU LET IT BE TEMPORARY**** . Yep, you ARE the only one who can control your reaction................and *there's * the control you need. You cannot control the job control what you CAN to give you that feeling of control back.

    I'm listening to my own lecture, too, just so you know...................

    .......and we can do this.........together.
    1417 days ago
  • v SUSIEQ911

    You can do this
    1417 days ago
  • v ROB704
    Stand tall brother. Your journey has proven to me that this is surmountable.

    It IS ok to fail once in a while. Point is you recognize it and know how to correct the course.

    We're all with you....Hang tough!
    1417 days ago
    In the short term; "It's ok to fail." Those failures are just slips along the way. But in the long term, when the goal is your physical survival, it's really not OK. Your work on this SparkBlog has been epic and inspiring. Maybe going back to the beginning and reading it over along with all the comments will reenforce in your mind how important your long term success will be, not only to you but to the fellow Sparkers who have been following and rooting for you.

    For now, prepare for a potentially bad situation, but don't react to it unless it occurs.
    1417 days ago
  • v PATTERD707
    I like what you said about "it's OK to fail."

    In my own issues with addictions (plural), I've found that I learned something (took something away) from each time I started again. This is the opposite thinking that "oh, I failed again, starting from scratch."

    I also like something I heard once in 12 step: "If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be AMAZED before we're half way through." Don't forget those times you've been amazed and use those as motivation too.
    1417 days ago
    Jeesh man. Why does this addiction thing have to be so damn hard?
    1417 days ago
  • v LINDAKAY228
    You can do it. We battle those same demon over and over but the battles get further apart and we get stronger. I still have those times too. And long slow stress does it to me than an emergency situation. One step, one day at a time. Hang in there.
    1417 days ago
    No wise words, but a willingness to listen and bear witness to you at the life points you share with your spark buddies.
    1417 days ago
    Fall down 6 times, stand up 7. Thats how I have seen you since I started to read your blogs. You have many people 'rooting' for you, don't forget that. Yes you are human and have an achilles heel [don't we all?]. But there is so much more to you than this worrying time. I know your family is there for you, so try to draw strength from their love and support, and keep the faith, to be Iron Man.


    1417 days ago
    Robert, while it IS ok to fail, I don't think that applies here. You are going through a very stressful time, which you KNOW is your trigger. KNOWING that it is a trigger for you is half the battle. You also know that you can come here for support from your legion of fans and friends. You know we will always support you and help you through a tough time.

    Robert, you are bigger and stronger than your addiction and you have the tools in your arsenal to get through this!
    1417 days ago
    I will lose my job Is it true?
    I will lose my home when I lose my job Is it true? Is it asolultly true?

    The mind is a crazy, sometimes nasty thing. Its planning to lose and it may not even happen get the mind under some kind of control listen to your self talk ask if its really true. Byron Katie> May help
    1417 days ago
  • v LIV2RIDE
    Sometimes instead of dealing with the underlying issues we mask them with our new healthier coping mechanisms. If we never deal with the real issue they never go away. Just because we replace bad habits with good ones doesn't mean the problem goes away. What is it about this particular issue that pushes you? You are in my prayers! I know that you can work through this.

    I had the same problem when I quit smoking. Instead of dealing with the issues associated with smoking I just replaced smoking with other healthier activities. I would clean, drink water, go for a walk etc. Not until recently have I been dealing with the underlying issues. It's tough to do but well worth the journey! Yoga has really helped me to leave my past behind and move forward to the awesome future that awaits me.
    1417 days ago
  • v TERRRI
    I bet also on your 3 day bender that not one of the unhealthy foods you ate satisfied any cravings. That would be because it isn't food you are really looking for so you can eat all you want and will never find what you are looking for in food. I know you know this since you made the drug addict reference. They will never find what they really want/need in drugs or alcohol and you will never find it in food. I guess it is just a matter of how long you want to keep looking in the wrong place knowingly.

    Good luck!
    1417 days ago
    You are a very strong man. We each have days that we feel defeated. But you know what, this too shall pass. Don't let this job situation get you down. There's not much you can do to solve the situation. The only thing you can do is take care of yourself. You love to exercise. Go out and get some extra exercising in. Take care of yourself. You will get through this and be a better person. Hang in there.
    1417 days ago
    After reading your blog I thought, I need to write something, usually I just lurk but here it is...............I, personally, am in AWE of what you have accomplished and only hope one day I can run like you do and maybe even Swim! Well probably not the swimming part! ha ha You are not a failure, you are awesome in my book! Hang tough, swim, bike, run! emoticon
    1417 days ago
    I am keeping you in my prayers! May God put his Hand on your job situation! May He give you peace of mind!
    You are strong and I hope you will keep reminding yourself that you are smart and strong. You are able to emoticon

    emoticon emoticon
    1417 days ago
    This is so frustrating for me to read. I literally hate this blog. I'm not going to blow smoke up your ass like so many do on these comments, Robert. This is absolute bullshi*t and you KNOW it. You have worked WAYYYYYY too hard to get to where you are to let it all fall away. Dammit...remember what you said to me when I got injured????? I'm saying it right back...if you allow this to completely de-rail you and lose everything you have worked for, I am going to come up there and kick your ass. YOU KNOW only a REAL friend could say this to you.

    GET UP and GET SERIOUS about Ironman! YOU CAN DO THIS AND YOU WILL. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE. MAKE IT HAPPEN. YOU CAN.

    Come on, buddy. You know I love you. Get on your bike. Go for a run and stop disrespecting the friend that I care for so much. If I did this to myself, how would that make you feel???? You are just as important and precious.

    That's all I have to say.
    1417 days ago
    My goodness, you are so hard on yourself! You do not need to be "perfect" and eat "perfectly" all the time. That is going to lead you down the road to giving up and feeling like you might as well keep eating anything and everything. That is not good for your self esteem or waistline!

    Look at where your body has taken you! You are participating in sports that most people only dream of! Use running, swimming and biking to help relieve the stress you are experiencing right now. Get those endorphins going!

    It will all work out and you will be okay.
    1417 days ago
    Like you said at the end "[You] will be bigger than [your] addiction and [you] will get the upper hand." Believe this because your health is worth so much more than all that food combined. emoticon
    1417 days ago
    "Just because i am weak does not mean im worthless. Just because i struggle does not mean im defeated. Just because i caved in to my fears does not mean im a coward."

    Wow, you are quite a writer.

    Hang in there, friend. You know the drill and you always make it through the tough times. I'm cheering for you, even when you're alone in the dark. :)
    1417 days ago
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