Wednesday, September 05, 2012
For the last couple of years, my family and friends have told me to leave my job and find a new one.
My boss is WONDERFUL in so many ways. I have a flexible schedule when doctor's appointments and things like that come up. I can leave early, arrive late, or even take a day off when I've wracked up more than 40 hours a week.
But I doubt I will EVER be considered for a promotion. And I do put in a lot of extra work...much of which is outside of my job description. Whenever someone has left, I've been given at least a chunk of their workload. And so far, once it's on my plate it doesn't ever come off.
I found out last week that my boss is willing to pay for the Indiana Watershed Leadership Academy...which is something I've wanted to do for a while. It's a step toward my masters degree. So I was really excited!
But my family and friends are still worried about me. And it makes me wonder WHY I get defensive about my boss and my job, while THEY get defensive about ME.
Do I feel like I've EARNED a promotion? Well....no. I spend most of my life feeling like a bit of an idiot. I don't think I'm smart enough or well-educated enough to DO the job I really want.
As my family and friends have pointed out, and the new WPD has pointed out...I did the job for almost two years. Clearly, I CAN do it. I'm more than capable of doing it.
So why do I feel like I can't?
I've never felt like I DESERVED anything. There have been a lot of days where I wondered why my family even loved me, let alone liked me. I wonder the same thing about my friends sometimes...I'm so bland, and proper, and I don't always feel like I have much of a personality or a sense of humor, or ANYTHING that would explain why they actually want to be around me.
I'm pretty sure this is a textbook definition of INFERIORITY COMPLEX. I don't know what else to call it...I don't think I deserve good things in my life, so I work extra hard to try to justify myself...work myself to DEATH to try to EARN things that most of my loved ones think I've already more than earned.
Where does it come from? I'm finally trying to find out...because if I continue to act like I don't feel smart enough, or good enough, or deserving enough, I'll never get ahead. I'll never get promoted, or get my masters and Ph.D, or...I don't know, fall in love with someone without wondering WHY they're with me?!
I'm breaking this blog up, because when I wrote it it was REALLY long. But I've had to come to terms with the fact that, while I'm getting better with time management and slowly learning to say NO, the root cause of EVERY SINGLE ONE of my external stressors -- work, and volunteering, and yet more work -- lie in the fact that I feel like I HAVE to say yes in order to make people want to be around me, and respect and like me as a person. I feel guilty for saying no, and I feel guilty for taking time off, and I am constantly panicking that I've forgotten a deadline, or a commitment. And I'm constantly stressed...though much less so than I was a year and a half ago, it's still simmering under the surface!
This is gonna be a big topic, Sparkfriends...but I need to actually work through all of this crazy brain inferiority complex stuff to actually move on and get it out of my life!!