Most Recent Evaluation - almost on time.
Monday, September 03, 2012
The craziness just doesn’t end. It doesn’t even slow down. I keep telling myself that it will all be over, I just need to get through this rough time, but a couple weeks have now starting to turn into a month. I’ve had a total of 14 interviews in 3 weeks. I have had technically 4 offers and two of those were from the same company. The worst part is that I think I’m failing. I think I really screwed up. Or maybe I’m just having a hard time waiting for God’s plan. I don’t know and there’s nothing I hate worse than not even understanding my own brain.
The first offer was from a trucking co. that I’ve heard bad things about, so I waited for an offer from one of the other jobs I prefered. Then I got a call from a company further away. It was only part time, less than half the hours I work now, $2 less an hour and 3x the distance. Unfortunately it is one of the ones that is close to my dream jobs so I immediately said yes and made plans to start on the 10th. But then I did the math and my husband confirmed by his constant going on about how we couldn’t afford for me to take the job. He made sure I knew all the things we’d have to give up if I took it; the motorcycle, smart phones and the internet. We can’t give up the internet, because he needs it for his job. I would feel awful if he was the one with a job, but had to give up ‘his’ bike and the smart phones maybe we could do without, but I don’t know. I’m just so torn, she said the job would eventually be full-time, but not to start. She said it would be full-time when their busy season started just before Christmas. Now that I’ve called and told her I wouldn’t be taking the job, I haven’t heard anything from her. So I think she’s probably mad and won’t respond to my calls or emails. I can’t blame her either.
Then the trucking co. called back and said they ‘thought it over’ and decided they would like me to start on Tuesday after the holiday instead of only giving me 1 day notice. I had just gotten a call to have a second interview somewhere else and so I declined the offer again. Then I had the second interview and I hated it. I’ll basically be doing tella-marketing from business to business for a company we stopped using personally because they suck. It’s $2.5 less an hour only 2x as far and full time. I had the interview on Friday and I’ve been depressed all weekend about it. Because I’ve already passed up the other two offers, I have to take this one. I haven’t even started and I’m already crying over it.
What I really want is a job I interviewed for on Wednesday. It’s a child and adolescent behavior clinic and I want it sooo bad. It would be doing the things I’m already comfortable with and good at, but for a company that does sooo much good, not just looking to make a profit. I’d be salary for the first time and it’s only 2 minutes more from my house than my current job. I want it so bad, but I feel like I’m either asking for too much or maybe don’t deserve it. And it is the other one that would be close to my dream job. In fact it is as close as I’ve ever come to something that is ‘perfect-as-possible’ for me. I have such diverse interests, where am I ever going to find a job doing more than one thing I like; accounting, art, psychology, learning and reading. The first job I passed up that would be my dream job was doing accounting and I’d be around art all the time and this job would be accounting and I’d be around psychologist all the time, plus it has all the things I ‘need.’
Then after all this dilemma going on in my mind I found out that the renters in our old house are having financial trouble. We wanted to sell our old house, but we couldn’t because of the housing market, so we bought a house next to John’s mom and dad and moved. We were planning to pay on the old house as long as we could and then probably have to foreclose on it. About a month before we would have foreclosed, we found a family that needed to rent it and we’ve been renting it since 2008. They are great renters, but now something has happened to them financially and I don’t know how long they’ll be able to stay.
So to sum it up, we’re losing one income and taking the expense of another household. I feel like I want to die. I know I shouldn’t, but everything seems so hopeless. Then my tight-wad husband had the nerve to tell me what our checking and savings balances were and I was soo pissed. We have plenty that I could have taken that first dream-job and we would have been fine until it became full-time. I’m trying not to be mad at him, but it’s hard. He demands nothing less than what he wants and he doesn’t think about what that does to others. And what pisses me off even more is that he always seems to get what he wants. Why? What makes me such a horrible person that I rarely get what I need let alone what I want? I know I’m exaggerating, but during times like this, that is exactly how it feels.
I think part of my problem is that now I’m working on borrowed time. I was suppose to be out of a job on Friday, but my boss wanted me to stay a couple extra weeks because things aren’t getting transferred as quickly and easily as he had hoped. So I should be grateful for the extra time, but instead I’m more stressed than ever. In fact I'm so stressed that I've started getting muscle spasms, muscle pain and headaches. I just want this to all be over.