Monday, September 03, 2012
The craziness just doesnít end. It doesnít even slow down. I keep telling myself that it will all be over, I just need to get through this rough time, but a couple weeks have now starting to turn into a month. Iíve had a total of 14 interviews in 3 weeks. I have had technically 4 offers and two of those were from the same company. The worst part is that I think Iím failing. I think I really screwed up. Or maybe Iím just having a hard time waiting for Godís plan. I donít know and thereís nothing I hate worse than not even understanding my own brain.
The first offer was from a trucking co. that Iíve heard bad things about, so I waited for an offer from one of the other jobs I prefered. Then I got a call from a company further away. It was only part time, less than half the hours I work now, $2 less an hour and 3x the distance. Unfortunately it is one of the ones that is close to my dream jobs so I immediately said yes and made plans to start on the 10th. But then I did the math and my husband confirmed by his constant going on about how we couldnít afford for me to take the job. He made sure I knew all the things weíd have to give up if I took it; the motorcycle, smart phones and the internet. We canít give up the internet, because he needs it for his job. I would feel awful if he was the one with a job, but had to give up Ďhisí bike and the smart phones maybe we could do without, but I donít know. Iím just so torn, she said the job would eventually be full-time, but not to start. She said it would be full-time when their busy season started just before Christmas. Now that Iíve called and told her I wouldnít be taking the job, I havenít heard anything from her. So I think sheís probably mad and wonít respond to my calls or emails. I canít blame her either.
Then the trucking co. called back and said they Ďthought it overí and decided they would like me to start on Tuesday after the holiday instead of only giving me 1 day notice. I had just gotten a call to have a second interview somewhere else and so I declined the offer again. Then I had the second interview and I hated it. Iíll basically be doing tella-marketing from business to business for a company we stopped using personally because they suck. Itís $2.5 less an hour only 2x as far and full time. I had the interview on Friday and Iíve been depressed all weekend about it. Because Iíve already passed up the other two offers, I have to take this one. I havenít even started and Iím already crying over it.
What I really want is a job I interviewed for on Wednesday. Itís a child and adolescent behavior clinic and I want it sooo bad. It would be doing the things Iím already comfortable with and good at, but for a company that does sooo much good, not just looking to make a profit. Iíd be salary for the first time and itís only 2 minutes more from my house than my current job. I want it so bad, but I feel like Iím either asking for too much or maybe donít deserve it. And it is the other one that would be close to my dream job. In fact it is as close as Iíve ever come to something that is Ďperfect-as-possibleí for me. I have such diverse interests, where am I ever going to find a job doing more than one thing I like; accounting, art, psychology, learning and reading. The first job I passed up that would be my dream job was doing accounting and Iíd be around art all the time and this job would be accounting and Iíd be around psychologist all the time, plus it has all the things I Ďneed.í
Then after all this dilemma going on in my mind I found out that the renters in our old house are having financial trouble. We wanted to sell our old house, but we couldnít because of the housing market, so we bought a house next to Johnís mom and dad and moved. We were planning to pay on the old house as long as we could and then probably have to foreclose on it. About a month before we would have foreclosed, we found a family that needed to rent it and weíve been renting it since 2008. They are great renters, but now something has happened to them financially and I donít know how long theyíll be able to stay.
So to sum it up, weíre losing one income and taking the expense of another household. I feel like I want to die. I know I shouldnít, but everything seems so hopeless. Then my tight-wad husband had the nerve to tell me what our checking and savings balances were and I was soo pissed. We have plenty that I could have taken that first dream-job and we would have been fine until it became full-time. Iím trying not to be mad at him, but itís hard. He demands nothing less than what he wants and he doesnít think about what that does to others. And what pisses me off even more is that he always seems to get what he wants. Why? What makes me such a horrible person that I rarely get what I need let alone what I want? I know Iím exaggerating, but during times like this, that is exactly how it feels.
I think part of my problem is that now Iím working on borrowed time. I was suppose to be out of a job on Friday, but my boss wanted me to stay a couple extra weeks because things arenít getting transferred as quickly and easily as he had hoped. So I should be grateful for the extra time, but instead Iím more stressed than ever. In fact I'm so stressed that I've started getting muscle spasms, muscle pain and headaches. I just want this to all be over.