Monday, September 03, 2012
The realizations are setting in that I am a food addict. I had an alcoholic father. I have a mom who is addicted to cigarettes and who set me up for a lifelong love of sweets. But it is not their fault. I am not going to assign blame; I am going to figure out once and for all what I'm going to do about my own situation.
The past 2 weeks have been very trying. Truth be told, August has been trying. It started off with a rough post-VBS meeting. It was rough because there were people who apparently didn't get their expectations met and decided to wait until this post-VBS meeting to finally speak up about things they had the opportunity to help plan for MONTHS but didn't, and even had an opportunity to mention their thoughts and concerns at the last meeting before VBS but didn't. I felt very ganged up on and was hurt because one of the people engaging in this behavior was a pastor from another church (several churches do VBS together here). Now I can see it for what it was, people's dysfunctional ways coming into play. At the time I felt attacked, frustrated, hurt, angry, and exhausted both physically and emotionally from months of planning and attempts to get these people and others to help. I no longer feel hurt about that situation, but I don't look forward to having to start the VBS process with them again in November. Trying to do VBS a different way or soliciting ideas about that situation and how to change it is NOT why I am writing this blog. But the situation did contribute to my negative feelings during the month of August.
A couple of weeks after that, it was back to school time. Hubby started college. DD started preschool. DS started a new school year. These things all impacted my work and family schedule tremendously. Then, the crap hit the fan in my marriage.
I will not go into details here. What I will say is that I truly thought my marriage was over. This was a shocking and heartbreaking thought for me. The past couple of weeks have been difficult. They've been emotionally and mentally taxing. But there has been some good that has come from it. Hubby and I have been spending lots of time talking about our priorities and what we want from our marriage and the unintentional decline of things over the past few years. No couple gets married with the intention of experiencing that decline; it happens when life gets in the way and couples aren't intentional about keeping their marriage a top priority. Sometimes it takes a crisis to shake things loose and have what's important emerge from the day-to-day clutter. That's what's happened to us. I am not over what happened. I haven't forgotten it. I have managed through the grace of God (because it sure wasn't through my OWN ability!) to forgive him. Yep, forgive him. We have LOTS of work to do as a couple and as individuals, and I believe we are both ready for the work at hand.
That's where my own realizations have come into play. I have NOT handled my situation even remotely well regarding food choices and coping skills. I have been out of control. My behaviors have been unmanageable. My choices have been very self-destructive. I do not like feeling this way. It is time to face the reality that I am an addict and I have to view this situation and my life through the lens of an addict. I have let things get so out of control that even though I am a well-educated, middle-aged adult, I am acting like a child who doesn't know any better. I am NOT beating myself up over this, but there is a sense of shame and sadness that accompanies my situation. This is NOT something I want to pass along to my children. I feel this addiction is sapping my life of happiness, and I know it is sapping my body of health. It is time to do something.
So in this case, something good has come from a difficult and traumatic situation. This is not the first time that has happened in my life, but it is one of the more important times. For this time there is much more at stake than just my well-being. This time my family is involved, so the stakes are much higher. Don't get me wrong. I cannot do this for anyone but myself. It will not be easy, but it will be worth it. I am not going to consider this another attempt at starting over. Instead, I will consider it a course correction on my journey. That way I don't feel like I'm losing all the ground I've gained during past attempts. Maybe some will say that is semantics, but for me, it is an important distinction, for my brain is my biggest obstacle and best ally in this process. I don't know where the journey will take me, but I do know I'm ready to go.