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The realizations are setting in...

Monday, September 03, 2012

The realizations are setting in that I am a food addict. I had an alcoholic father. I have a mom who is addicted to cigarettes and who set me up for a lifelong love of sweets. But it is not their fault. I am not going to assign blame; I am going to figure out once and for all what I'm going to do about my own situation.

The past 2 weeks have been very trying. Truth be told, August has been trying. It started off with a rough post-VBS meeting. It was rough because there were people who apparently didn't get their expectations met and decided to wait until this post-VBS meeting to finally speak up about things they had the opportunity to help plan for MONTHS but didn't, and even had an opportunity to mention their thoughts and concerns at the last meeting before VBS but didn't. I felt very ganged up on and was hurt because one of the people engaging in this behavior was a pastor from another church (several churches do VBS together here). Now I can see it for what it was, people's dysfunctional ways coming into play. At the time I felt attacked, frustrated, hurt, angry, and exhausted both physically and emotionally from months of planning and attempts to get these people and others to help. I no longer feel hurt about that situation, but I don't look forward to having to start the VBS process with them again in November. Trying to do VBS a different way or soliciting ideas about that situation and how to change it is NOT why I am writing this blog. But the situation did contribute to my negative feelings during the month of August.

A couple of weeks after that, it was back to school time. Hubby started college. DD started preschool. DS started a new school year. These things all impacted my work and family schedule tremendously. Then, the crap hit the fan in my marriage.

I will not go into details here. What I will say is that I truly thought my marriage was over. This was a shocking and heartbreaking thought for me. The past couple of weeks have been difficult. They've been emotionally and mentally taxing. But there has been some good that has come from it. Hubby and I have been spending lots of time talking about our priorities and what we want from our marriage and the unintentional decline of things over the past few years. No couple gets married with the intention of experiencing that decline; it happens when life gets in the way and couples aren't intentional about keeping their marriage a top priority. Sometimes it takes a crisis to shake things loose and have what's important emerge from the day-to-day clutter. That's what's happened to us. I am not over what happened. I haven't forgotten it. I have managed through the grace of God (because it sure wasn't through my OWN ability!) to forgive him. Yep, forgive him. We have LOTS of work to do as a couple and as individuals, and I believe we are both ready for the work at hand.

That's where my own realizations have come into play. I have NOT handled my situation even remotely well regarding food choices and coping skills. I have been out of control. My behaviors have been unmanageable. My choices have been very self-destructive. I do not like feeling this way. It is time to face the reality that I am an addict and I have to view this situation and my life through the lens of an addict. I have let things get so out of control that even though I am a well-educated, middle-aged adult, I am acting like a child who doesn't know any better. I am NOT beating myself up over this, but there is a sense of shame and sadness that accompanies my situation. This is NOT something I want to pass along to my children. I feel this addiction is sapping my life of happiness, and I know it is sapping my body of health. It is time to do something.

So in this case, something good has come from a difficult and traumatic situation. This is not the first time that has happened in my life, but it is one of the more important times. For this time there is much more at stake than just my well-being. This time my family is involved, so the stakes are much higher. Don't get me wrong. I cannot do this for anyone but myself. It will not be easy, but it will be worth it. I am not going to consider this another attempt at starting over. Instead, I will consider it a course correction on my journey. That way I don't feel like I'm losing all the ground I've gained during past attempts. Maybe some will say that is semantics, but for me, it is an important distinction, for my brain is my biggest obstacle and best ally in this process. I don't know where the journey will take me, but I do know I'm ready to go.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    So sorry for all that you had to go through in August. Praying this is a much better month and that the issues you were dealing with will find resolution and you can focus on getting your eating back under control. And that your family will be even stronger than before. You can do this. emoticon
    1449 days ago
    You've had so much to deal with. I know it's hard, falling back on old habits as a means of coping (or not, as the case may be). I think many of us have been in this same position, or at least very similar. I'm so sorry you're in that place now.
    You're right, this is a course correction. We never fully 'quit' or give up.
    If I can be of any help, sounding board or not-quite-bony-shoulder, please let me know honey.
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    1449 days ago
    Christine... you are so worth the effort. I know how difficult these last few weeks (months even) have been. I just wanted to letyou know that I am praying for you and your family.
    1449 days ago
    I can relate. I have had that kind of marriage moment this week as well. We seem to be past it but it is in the back of my brain now. I am going to listen to some of the sermons I have been reading and watching this week and make the choice to be "all in" and not double-minded about my marriage as I had told my husband he was/is. Pray about what God wants in your lives and follow through with it. No turning back. No stress. Eat and Exercise to glorify God and His temple/your body. Love and Peace to you sister in Christ. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1449 days ago
  • v LINDA!
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    1450 days ago
    1450 days ago
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    1450 days ago
    It might semantics as you say, but synonyms mean almost the same thing not exactly the same - huge is not exactly the same as big. So sometimes finding the exact word is so important to us. You are doing what you must for you and your family. The first step is admitting our problems. I know I stress eat and need to find another way to deal with stress. I am sure you will continue your journey stronger.
    1450 days ago
    Sometimes our biggest obstacle is the space between our ears.
    I know it can be tough, going through a rough patch with a spouse makes it tougher, but keep doing it for you.
    Maybe it's your turn to come first.
    1450 days ago
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