I feel so lonely right now... I guess I should rewind about 24 hours...
Yesterday, while I was at a doctors appointment with my mom trying to determine what the best course of action is to take to beat her breast cancer, my husband and 15 year old daughter got into an argument.
They have always butt heads and my husband while I know he loves me and our children has a temper and yells far more than he should. Once he even lost control with our 15 year old about a year ago and starting hitting her and I had to step in the stop it. It was the only time he has ever hit her, but it was a scary ordeal. He got better and went back to just yelling at the kids once again, which even that I don't agree with, but he thinks I am too easy on the kids.
More recently he got angry with the same daughter and took a hammer to her cell phone. Why am I telling you this background? Well, it leads up to what took place yesterday....
While I was gone as I said before, he became angry with Catherine again, this time for her flippant attitude, back talking and for hitting her brother. He put her in time out and she was blatantly disrespectful to him. They seem to feed on each other pushing each others buttons until someone must intervene. Well, as no one was here, my husband became so worked up that he told her while holding his forefinger and thumb an inch apart "I am this close to beating the **** out of you" and then he went to her closet and took out one of her shirts and ripped it in two in front of her as an example of what he would continue to do if she didn't start to respect him.
She was so upset and overwhelmed by this that she took off and left the house. He called me and told me what happened and while I agree that she should respect him, I believe that you must first show respect to get it. Throughout our marriage he has always been hard on the children, especially Catherine, and I am afraid he has just pushed her so far that she will never really respect him because of how he treats her.
She was gone for 10 hours before she felt comfortable enough to contact me and tell me what happened. After which I told my husband that if he could not control his temper and finds himself where he is going to "beat the ****" out of our children then he could just leave, because I am not going to stand by and watch that. I know that it hurt him to hear that, and I hate that it had to be said. I love my husband and would hate for him to leave, but things cannot continue escalating. Now he is so distant and standoffish... I feel so very alone and hurt. And I know it is because of what I said to him.
I am still struggling with my diet and while our daughter was missing last night I just ate what ever my mom put in front of me. I expected my sugar to be sky high this morning, but the diet changes I have made must be making a bigger impact than I realized because my sugars this morning were better than yesterday morning.
It is not easy to budget, plan, shop and cook for a special diet not to mention doing it while working full time, with three kids, a sick mother (who lives with us) and a stay at home husband who is trying to be supportive, but just not getting the "hows" of being supportive with a diet change. But to have the added drama that yesterday brought is exhausting.
I want so badly to be healthy and happy again. But right now all I seem to feel is depressed and alone. I just want to cry and I hate it. I hope that everything will be alright and can only hope that tomorrow will be better.