Saturday, September 01, 2012
Those who know me know the trials and troubles I have had the last 2 years. I am no longer who I was 2 years ago and just about EVERYTHING in my life has changed during that time.
I spent time in therapy but got to where I could no longer face going to the sessions and digging up all that hurt and frustration I had worked so hard to bury. My family Dr. put me on antidepressents but I hate the person they made me. There is a reason they are nick named F@#K it all. So I am NOT taking those.
This last couple of weeks have been hard as the meeting between me and my exfriend of 21 years was suppose to happen. I was to drive 400+ miles down to see her and we were going to see if we couldn't save some of the past 21 years. I noticed 3 weeks before we were to meet her daughter posted on FB that her mother was going to be flying over to see her and it was the same weekend she and I were to get together. SO I wait for an email telling me we were going to have to do it some other time and one finally comes 2 weeks later, 1 week before I was to go down. I am happy she is going to see her daughter it has been 2 years since they were last together but when I reply and tell her that and make an offer to reschedule to a location where we can meet 1/2 way I get no reply.
My daughter and I go anyway because we have both scheduled hair appointments with our favorite stylist there and I also have a wonderful facial expert there. I drop my daughter off with the hair stylist and I go to my facial which was a little bumpy but I chalk it up to the salon being busy. The facial itself was wonderful even if she had to keep turning up the New age music to cover the loud noise outside the facial room. I then go to my hair appointment and my daughters hair has been colored and she is now getting her haircut and I am informed the stylist is very ill and will finish up my daughters hair but will not be able to do mine. That's ok I get it she is ill but what bothers me is there is no offer to reschedule. SO when my daughter is finished we pack up and make the 400+ mile back home.
I am really confused by all these events and am having a hard time reconciling them all. Then on Monday my daughter tells me that so much of this is happening because my friends can't stand to see me so unhappy and that if I'd just find something to be happy about people would want to be around me again. Believe me this is quite possibly the LAST thing I needed to hear and I am really struggling with all this.
I can't find anything I like about me anymore. I guess it is no surprise that anyone else can either. I have got to figure my way out of this downward spiral because no one is going to do it for me.
I am thankful for the supportive positive online friends I have and really wish my Bestest Friend didn't live almost 3,000 miles away. I know I have to take this one day at a time, try to find 1 thing I can feel positive about daily and take baby steps but it is so very hard.