Having a HARD time finding anyhting I like about me.

Saturday, September 01, 2012

Those who know me know the trials and troubles I have had the last 2 years. I am no longer who I was 2 years ago and just about EVERYTHING in my life has changed during that time.

I spent time in therapy but got to where I could no longer face going to the sessions and digging up all that hurt and frustration I had worked so hard to bury. My family Dr. put me on antidepressents but I hate the person they made me. There is a reason they are nick named F@#K it all. So I am NOT taking those.

This last couple of weeks have been hard as the meeting between me and my exfriend of 21 years was suppose to happen. I was to drive 400+ miles down to see her and we were going to see if we couldn't save some of the past 21 years. I noticed 3 weeks before we were to meet her daughter posted on FB that her mother was going to be flying over to see her and it was the same weekend she and I were to get together. SO I wait for an email telling me we were going to have to do it some other time and one finally comes 2 weeks later, 1 week before I was to go down. I am happy she is going to see her daughter it has been 2 years since they were last together but when I reply and tell her that and make an offer to reschedule to a location where we can meet 1/2 way I get no reply. emoticon My daughter and I go anyway because we have both scheduled hair appointments with our favorite stylist there and I also have a wonderful facial expert there. I drop my daughter off with the hair stylist and I go to my facial which was a little bumpy but I chalk it up to the salon being busy. The facial itself was wonderful even if she had to keep turning up the New age music to cover the loud noise outside the facial room. I then go to my hair appointment and my daughters hair has been colored and she is now getting her haircut and I am informed the stylist is very ill and will finish up my daughters hair but will not be able to do mine. That's ok I get it she is ill but what bothers me is there is no offer to reschedule. SO when my daughter is finished we pack up and make the 400+ mile back home.

I am really confused by all these events and am having a hard time reconciling them all. Then on Monday my daughter tells me that so much of this is happening because my friends can't stand to see me so unhappy and that if I'd just find something to be happy about people would want to be around me again. Believe me this is quite possibly the LAST thing I needed to hear and I am really struggling with all this.

I can't find anything I like about me anymore. I guess it is no surprise that anyone else can either. I have got to figure my way out of this downward spiral because no one is going to do it for me.

I am thankful for the supportive positive online friends I have and really wish my Bestest Friend didn't live almost 3,000 miles away. I know I have to take this one day at a time, try to find 1 thing I can feel positive about daily and take baby steps but it is so very hard.
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  • CICI510
    I have struggled with depression all my life and totally sympathize with you. Focusing on my faith has really helped me begin to see myself in a different light. I am nowhere where I want to be mentally but like you said-baby steps!! :) You know I am here for you sweetie 110% so if you ever need anything do not hesitate to ask. emoticon
    2024 days ago
    I wonder if the therapist brought some things close to the surface and then you didn't finish working through the process of dealing with them. Having been through therapy, I know it is difficult. It took me almost 5 years to deal with my baggage, and some days were way worse than others. Maybe you should go back and get her to help you find resolution. You were happy with her at first -- let her continue to lead you through this process.

    You are a wonderful, warm, caring person. You have friends and family who care deeply about you. I don't think you are that negative or hard to be around at all.

    I do think you need to find something in your life you really enjoy doing. You love the photography, but it doesn't seem to challenge you enough anymore. Is there a course at the local college that you could get into? I know I'd love to take a ceramics/pottery class sometime. I'd love to take some more creative writing classes. Every the course catalog from tech comes in the mail, there are so many things I'd like to try if only I had more time. It's hard to get out of the house and go among a bunch of strangers alone for that kind of thing, but I think you'd get some satisfaction out of it. It's great to share hobbies with our significant others, but we also need something to do that is all ours.
    2030 days ago
    I agree you need to see the Dr about your depression and perhaps another medication would help.

    I would also like to suggest that within your schedule do you have time to volunteer? For example at the school's football games or other events -- can you take tickets or do some small job? Is there a food bank in the area? - they always need help.

    By trying a new activity or group perhaps you can make some new friends who are closer. It wont make up for the friendship that has changed but maybe it is time to just move on.
    2030 days ago
    I'm definitely not a therapist. But, looking at what you have been through I am very impressed. You should know that you have given your husband a wonderful gift by taking care of his mother. I saw your post on how much you love him. You must to have taken on the care of his mother. The fact that she didn't like you even more so.

    I don't know who you used to be but you have gone through a lot. You have spent a good deal of your life in a very difficult place.

    Now I would love to see you say to yourself that it took a special person to do what you did. Sometimes people just don't like us. I look at them and think they are missing out! You should too! You know deep in your heart the kind of person you are.

    Do you have a history of depression or was this only after this event? If your doctor is not connecting with you get another! You deserve a happy life.

    I hope your DH is supportive.

    Good luck

    2030 days ago
    please take time to see a Dr about depression It can be very hard to deal with and others do not like us when we are in that cycle
    2030 days ago
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