Saturday, September 01, 2012
Dang it, I'm still here because I still believe in myself and that I am worth the effort.
Came clean to my mom this morning about my binge eating and secret eating habits. Felt good to cry to her and to hear her say that she understands my struggle. I have never really leaned on her for emotional support. I got used to dealing with my issues and emotions on my own - or rather, with food.
I also know that things are changing and that I will never become morbidly obese again because I have become a little more open and honest with friends when it comes to how I'm feeling. In fact, I've opened up about my binging to 3 of my close friends and they don't know exactly what I'm going through but I know I have their support. I have never really told anyone about it until now.
I am not trying to make excuses for my binging but i think subconsciously a part of me wants reassurance that I will still be loved no matter what size I am.
You guya are right - time to switch things up.
I've enrolled in a mainstream gym/health club and I'm enjoying it - all the machines and the classes and the personal training sessions. The club has a "Cinefit Studio" which is a dark room where you can work out on cardio machines while watching a movie. Today I did 35 mins on the elliptical while watching a Will Smith movie. Didn't get to start it and didn't get to finish it either so I'm not sure what I was watching but it made laugh a couple of times (which is hard to do when you're doing elliptical machine intervals)!
My trainer couldn't make it so I had to work out on my own. Quite fun actually since I could dilly-dally and take my time between sets without her breathing down my neck (don't worry, I really like her and i love that she pushes me). Did a weights and core workout that I found on Tumblr. I didn't know how to do all the exercises so I replaced them with ones that I was familiar with - i.e. dumbbell lat raises instead of a dumbbell side reach. what's a dumbbell side reach anyway?!)
Also consulted with the gym nutritionist. She's helping me come up with a balanced meal plan that will complement my work outs and not make me feel deprived (unlike in my previous diet that didn't require exercise and was extremely low carb). I need a diet plan that I can maintain throughout my life.
Thank you for your support and advice, Sparkies!