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    SKAHONEY4U   15,732
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August 2012

Saturday, September 01, 2012

Hello, my sparklie friends. I haven't been around much lately, so sorry about that. I have read every single one of your blogs, I assure you. I just haven't been able to comment or post much. I am happy that this month is over. It's been hell. The purpose of this blog is to vent and ramble, not for pity or prayers, which I don't even believe in. I guess I will start at the beginning of the month.

My boyfriend moved away to Colorado. With 2/3 of my cats and my stuff. And anyone who knows me knows how much I love my kitties (which i need to dedicate a blog to them..). I have an extremely empty apartment (camping chair to watch tv!) and it has been a long time since I have lived alone. My lease is up in October, so I need to start looking for a new place with month to month leasing. Ugh. The first week was rough, but I am gradually getting better with the alone time and am even enjoying it. I spend most of my nights now knitting while watching Dawson's Creek on Netflicks. The cat that I kept with me is extremely clingy. I love her to death. Piles of cat toys that she brings me follows me to wherever I am currently hanging out (even in the bed)! She also likes knitting time.

My grandfather was diagnosed with cancer (b cell lymphoma). I ended up flying to Chicago and spending a wonderful day with my mom and then picking my sister who lives in Seattle up from the airport to drive to indiana to visit my grandparents. It's been a while since I have stayed with them. I see them every year at thanksgiving, but we have been staying at my aunts which is 40 minutes away from them. I end up only seeing them for a couple hours, and that is it. The visit was hard, but I really needed it. I almost didn't go, but my PhD mentor convinced me to do it. It was good to see everyone. I know it is especially hard on my sister since she and grandpa are so close, so it was good for me to be there for her. I also worry about my mom. Sometimes I feel like the glue of the family, despite having lived far away from them for 6 years. Sometimes I don't know if that three little letter PhD is worth it. Or if I am making the right decision in moving to Colorado instead of back to Chicago after I finish.

My friend Lisa came to visit the day after I got back from Indiana. It was a short visit, but we had a lot of fun. We ate well and exercised together. I barely ever see her, only like once a year, if that. I miss her a ton. Her leaving added to my depression as I have come to realize that I love and that love me most all live hundreds to thousands of miles away from me. I have tried to make friends here, but it's been hard. Maybe I am not social enough, or people think I am weird. I don't know.

As my last blog mentioned, the family dog had to be put down last week. While I knew this was coming, it still sucks. She was a great dog, and i will miss her dearly.

The pool that I have been swimming at closed for a while for maintenance. This plus moving and going out of town = I haven't been in the pool in over a month. It opens Sept 7. I have also been emotionally eating like a mad women, which brings us to

I gained 5 pounds.

Last Saturday I weighed myself and discovered it, albeit I knew it had happened. The only good thing about this is that it was the final push that got me back on the proverbial horse. I started Sunday back on track eating well within my calorie range. As for exercise, pretty much everything other than swimming makes my want to stab things. So with swimming out, I ordered a workout dvd to tide me over. I did it last night. So, I haven't exercised as much as I should have, but I am slowly getting back to it. I can't wait for the pool to open. Also, if I move out of virginia into DC then the pools there are free (yay!) instead of the 237232 dollars a month I spend now. BTW I hate Virginia. I should write a blot about it. 100 reasons why the DC/NoVa area blows.

During this month I have randomly been breaking out in horribly itchy hives over most of my body. It is awful. I am doing an experiment to see if the new medication I am on is the cause, and I think it is. I need to go to the Dr, but it's a pain in the ass to get an appointment at the student health center (also blog worthy in its own right). Every time I call I am put on hold for 20+ minutes (that's when I hang up). Going there in person is worse because it is harder to control myself. You would think these ladies realized that a monkey could do their job and in this economy take more care in said job since they are so replaceable.

Also depression, anxiety, and stress have brought back my insomnia (which I have struggled for a decade). Benadryl stopped working. Melatonin stopped working. So, I decided to break into my ambien supply. I've had ambien for years. I try to only take it when it gets to a breaking point, which last night was. So I took one. I had a horrible reaction with "serious seek medical help" side effects. Within 10 minutes (usually it takes an hour to kick for me and then it just lightly makes me a little dizzy and then i fall asleep) my vision entirely blurred and I could barely walk. I almost fell down the stairs. Horrible nausea which ended in me vomiting and then eventually passing out. According to the ambien site, I should have gone urgent care. No boyfriend to drive me though, and I wasn't about to call an ambulance. I felt like crap all day today too, still nauseated and dizzy.

August was not done.

Today, a friend of mine died. His name was Todd and I went to high school with him. We weren't really friends then. It wasn't until after I moved back to my hometown after college when we became friends. He was in a horrific car accident while I was in college and was in a coma for months. He came around though. We became friends when he was recovering (which took years) and learning to walk again. These days he seemed perfectly normal, like what he went through never happened. He was a great listener, and we chatted for hours those nights. We did hang out in person, too. He stood me up once to go to hooters with his best friend (I forgave him). He helped me get through a tough time in my life, and for that I am forever grateful to him. He was a great person, and the world is a lesser place without him. I don't know all of the details of what happened, but I know that he was in the hospital earlier this week. I think his heart just gave out, being weakened from years before. He was married a couple of years ago and had 3 step kids. My heart aches for them and his close friends. I am shocked and saddened.

It is officially September now. I have high hopes that it will be better.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BRADMILL2922 9/1/2012 3:49PM

    Sorry to see that you had such a hard month. Also sorry for losing your friend. I know how that feels and it is really hard. But September is here and a chance to push forward and meet your goals and do some good for yourself!

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BERGBA7 9/1/2012 2:45AM

    This are the kind of months that you just have to survive. Weight loss becomes very futile in moments like that. But, for your body and your future it is not a benign thing to loose weight and it will give you more confidence and energy for the rest of your life. It is important for you! Great you got this DVD! I workout at night when I feel like eating. It helps me get over emotional eating. Try it. I can not relate to your love for cat... I have a cat allergy which prevents me from developing any feelings towards them! Have you tried breathing and relaxation exercises against your insomnia? Maybe it is an alternative to the medication?
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ZRIE014 9/1/2012 12:28AM

  glad august is over because today is my birthday. emoticon

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