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My hearts not into it.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

I have a half marathon coming up on Saturday morning and my heart is not into it at all. I'll run it but im just going through the motions because I already paid for it.

There is some serious stuff going down at work and the anxiety is killing me. We are dangerously close to a strike. I am hoping for a fair and reasonable settlement on both sides but no one is giving ground and I am losing faith that this will end well.

We are already setting up picket areas, signing up for strike duty, temp workers have been called in and there are strike trailers on the property. This is going beyond the usual contract bluster that happened in 2008. We are cleaning out our lockers and bracing for the worst.

I have done what I can, saved, and prepared but I still cant help but think about all the times I went out and enjoyed myself with the feeling that the money could have been used to help me in times like this and I really havent been extravagent at all but the guilt is there, especially my new bike. The one time I let my hair down and did something for me for a change. After about 8 months, the aluminum frame will start looking tasty.

I am praying for a temporary settlement so we can keep working.

it is so difficult to make good choices when my heart is being eaten alive with fear and worry, second guessing and asking did I do everything i could to make sure my family will be provided for, was I a good provider or was I a self centered middle aged wannabe with something to prove. I feel like i did the best I could but then I think about the voluntary overtime i passed up so i could be home instead of working 12's, I felt like I was making enough and wanted to be home and having a life rather than living in the pit. Now that it is looking all the world like the hammer is going to drop, I ask myself will my family suffer because of decisions I made, good faith or not?

Time will tell. We have until 11:59pm Friday.

I will run this Saturday, it will serve as a good distraction.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You are awesome as always my friend.

    Don't sweat the have to tke care of yourself to be able to take care of your family.

    Ipray it all works out without a strike, but if it happens you will come out stronger and wiser.

    All my best and my prayer!
    1425 days ago
  • v HEIDI-25
    I too can relate. I hope that a strike can be avoided. It is a stressful time and recognizing it is a good thing. I am a union gal myself and feel very strong that those who came before us paid very dearly for the many things that we have today. I don't want to go backwards and if a strike is necessary, then sacrifice is part of that too. You and your family will be ok.
    Best of luck to you! Run strong in this half this weekend. Let us know how it turns out.
    1425 days ago
    emoticon See you Saturday for a real one!
    1425 days ago
  • v JENN03275
    Use your stress as your fuel/fire! Go and enjoy!!
    1425 days ago
    If you can't run a half for the joy of running, perhaps you can meditate while running and work through some of your feelings about the job situation. I hope it all works out well for you!
    1425 days ago
    That has to be so hard. Don't feel bad about the bike. You need that for your exercise, and besides, the purchase is in the past.

    Do the best you can. If it really looks like things are going to head for the worst, try to be prepared, start looking now before the sh*t hits the fan.
    Hope things get better!
    1425 days ago
    emoticon Prayers for your work situation & hope your race goes well. Glad you are running it still. It is imperative to do things for yourself. And that doesn't make you selfish; it makes you good at taking care of your needs. Which will make you a better father & husband. Plus you'll live longer because you're taking care of yourself. win, win!
    1425 days ago
    Prayers to you and your family. I doubt that someone with 1,830 SparkFriends could reasonably be called self-centered. Things that may seem like poor choices now may well turn out to be valuable resources tomorrow. Stress can alter your perceptions. I'm sure your family is behind you 100%. emoticon
    1425 days ago
    1425 days ago
    I went through a similar situation recently do I can understand a bit of your stress/concern. Hopefully your running can actually be a bit cathartic and enjoyable overall.
    1425 days ago
    I hope this gets resolved and you don't have to strike. I've only striked once (I'm in the teacher's union) but it was only for an hour. I've never lived through a long term strike though we've been close.

    Don't feel guilty for not working overtime. You must enjoy your life. Money spent on your bike or fitness pursuits is never selfish. You are doing the right thing for yourself.

    Run, and let go of the stress and guilt. Run because you can and this is something you have trained for. Run for yourself and your health. Run because it feels amazing. I can't run right now. I miss it so much. Running is an affirmation of life and health and vitality and you have all those things.
    1425 days ago
  • v STHAX10
    1425 days ago
    I'm willing to bet that the stress will only make you run more assertively. Prayers for your work situation... and wings for your feet!
    1425 days ago
    I don't envy your position- have been in similar situations with spouse when I was a stay at home mother. Stressful. Hope everything resolves quickly for you and everyone. Don't feel guilty about past purchases or spending time with your family. We can't know what might be coming around the corner.
    1425 days ago
  • v 4RASCALS
    Hoping things work out. Taking care of your health is a priority. Hopefully things will get resolved on the job. If not remember when one door closes, another opens. Keeping my fingers
    crossed for you.
    1425 days ago
  • v GUNNSGIRL91303
    I would not feel bad about the purchase of the bike. You deserve it. I hope you get a miracle and the strike doesn't happen. Good luck to you and your family!
    1425 days ago
    I found myself unemployed after 36 years and I hear you loud and clear. I looked at all the "things" I had wasted money on and wished I had been more level headed. But the past is the past and you can't change it so no use going there. The future is where all the action is! Taking care of your health is a PRIORITY. You are no good to your family if your health is in the toilet. I completely changed my lifestyle after losing my job andnow I wouldn't go back for anything. I feel your pain.... but better things are ahead for you. Hugs, Rhonda
    1425 days ago
    Sending positive vibes your way for Saturday! Hopefully everything will calm at work without a strike being needed. Keeping my fingers crossed!
    1425 days ago
    Spending time with your family - and for yourself, too! - is SO IMPORTANT. Money may be nice, but if you don't have the health to enjoy it then is it really worth it? You already work a variety of shifts and your body is constantly having to adjust. Add to that the 12-hour days and it could really take a toll on your health.
    Praying that you'll get some good news soon!
    1425 days ago
    Sending compromising vibes to both sides.
    1425 days ago
    emoticon I believe you made the right choices.
    1425 days ago
  • v LYNSEY723
    1425 days ago
  • v MUSOLF6
    1425 days ago
    You've said before that you can't waste time second guessing and regretting food and fitness issues from the past. This current situation is NO different. It does NO good to worry, debate, "if only", or any of those other negative mind sets. Your health is priority 1, followed by family, period. Take stock of how things are at home now, and move FORWARD. Plan, budget, get up to date on payments if you can, scout out extra community resources that you may be able to take advantage of IF there is a strike. You will see this challenge through to the end.
    1425 days ago
  • v DR8561
    My family went through a strike a few years ago. It was tough but we got through it. God provided everything we needed and then some. I'm praying that the union and management come to an agreement and avoid the strike. Please keep us posted and let us know how we can pray for you and your family. emoticon
    1425 days ago
  • v _MOBII_
    I know how you are feeling, with the exception that I WAS extravagant with our money. Not that I was going on vacations and such, but even though we were living week to week, my beau always said thats why we work, we bought pretty much anything we wanted (something I was NEVER able to do before we got together.), and then both he and my son lost their jobs about a week apart.

    So I know about the stress and the guilt....all you can do is what you can do. You can't change the times you didn't work OT, the same as I can't change it. You sound like you are set for a few months...a lot can happen in that time so keep your hopes up and don't let the woulda, coulda, shoulda's get to you. Keep on working on your health and your goals. The accomplishments will do wonders for you.
    1425 days ago
    Robert - You have done the right thing. My hubby will tell you family is more important than any amount of money. I agree.
    Have faith.
    Best wishes!!
    1425 days ago
    Robert, remember this:
    You can analyze until you're paralyzed...

    Don't allow this to happen.
    Do not waste your energy on the would've, should've, could've!

    Prayers and good thoughts to you and the family.
    1425 days ago

    Comment edited on: 8/30/2012 5:52:41 PM
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1425 days ago
    I think
    What we are all trying to say is we love you. We are sorry you are afraid. You made good decisions to live and not hoard. This may be hard but Yo will survive and come through. I know 6 months ago we had an upside down life but there is light at the end of the tunnel. It will shine for you too.
    1425 days ago
    emoticon hope it all ends well, sooner than later!

    we all hear the recommendations to put aside a 6+ mos emergency fund for times like these which i have never ever been able to do... and since sparking, have begun to redefine what are essential versus wants/desired non-essentials. I have moved healthy, nutritious food into the essential category with the guideline to shop the sales hard & not waste excess... and have moved workout equipment into essential as well..., especially equipment we need to recover & improve our health whether from injury or the ravages of obesity. time with family, also essential... an absent father is no father and you play an essential role in the stability, happiness and learning of kidlets... all of these things are essential, that we are learning to keep as a priority, that we may have waived in the past in our less disciplined times when we went for the good time & the excess foods...

    i haven't posted to your blogs b4, but do follow your journey with interest... i wish there were a magic wand ~ this is 1 of those real life major stressful events we have to live through... i encourage you to draw on what you've learned in your journey about sparking your motivation when it is evaporating and to replace your old stress eating with your new2u, good4u non-food coping skills... ~ 1 of which is your exercise routine... walk, run or bike it out... it will be essential to helping you cope with the raging emotions sure to go along with a strike...

    1425 days ago
  • v DOGDOC76
    My grandfather used to say " Any damn fool could tell you what you SHOULD have done". You made the best decisions you could with the info you had at the time. NOBODY has a crystal ball, and you have to remember that there are certain things in life that are just plain out of our control! Instead of regretting the money you spent on the bike and the time you spent at home instead of working overtime, you should think of it this way: by doing those things you significantly improved your health and overall well being, which ultimately is going to help you better weather the tough times that may be ahead. Keep your head up and don't let this situation ruin the race for you!!!

    Hang in there, all your fellow Sparkies got your back!!
    Connie emoticon
    1425 days ago
  • v TERRRI
    As a wife I would definitely say you made the right choice in choosing your family over money. Ask your kids and I am sure they will agree. If you made more money would you just have spent more money or would you actually have saved it? Most people spend what they make whatever that amount is. It is only a job, yes it brings in money but in the end it is just a job and your family is what matters.

    Regarding your run on Saturday go with the flow and use it as stress reliever. I read a link someone had on their blog this morning. An 82 year old nun who still does ironman triathalons! She didn't take up jogging until she was 48 years old! Her last triathalon was just last week. Count your blessings and look on the bright side no matter how hard it is right now. Stressing over things that are out of your control will not change anything other than maybe give you a heartattack and anxiety.

    Good luck on Saturday's run!
    1425 days ago
    Robert, I'm sorry you have that hanging over you. You have made the best decisions you could with the information you had, and I for one think they were good decisions. Try not to second guess yourself; it doesn't change anything, only adds to your stress and fear. Praying that at least a temporary settlement will be reached by Friday night until the final contract is settled and a fair agreement for both sides is established. In the end no one really 'wins' when it comes to a strike from what I've seen.
    1425 days ago
    I am praying for you!
    I hope you will get a fair contract soon!

    1425 days ago
  • v LIV2RIDE
    Maybe you can use the run to work through your mental barriers and feel the enjoyment of the endorphins. good luck!

    Where my BIL works they were talking about a strike a little while ago. The union asked them how many would cross the picket lines due to the financial hardship a strike would cause them. Almost all of them (the drivers) said they would cross because they couldn't afford to be without pay for any length of time. I wish you and your fellow co-workers luck in this situation.
    1425 days ago
  • v ERICADAWN1986
    You are being really hard on yourself. You can't look back and regret turning down overtime so you could spend time with your family. More people should consider doing the same, focusing on what really matters in life (home and family). You also shouldn't call yourself a middle aged man with something to prove. You're doing something that makes you happier and healthier for the people who love you. Sure you may have difficult financial times in your future but money isn't everything and you seem like the type of person who will work hard to come through it. Take it day by day and try to enjoy your half this weekend as much as you can. Don't miss out on what matters in life because you're stressing over the daily grind of work. It's not fair to yourself.
    1425 days ago
    Hindsight, as they say, is 20/ made the best decision you could at the time. Try not to spend time wondering "what if"...there's nothing you can do about that now. Try to think about the healthy exercise you are going to get Saturday and the satisfaction you'll feel when you've completed something that alot of people aren't even capable of. emoticon
    1425 days ago
  • v DRB13_1
    wishing you the best...always.
    stay strong
    take one day at a time

    1425 days ago
  • v BECCA315
    We, too, have gone thru' tough times this year. My DH was on disability for half the year, which means reduced income. I only work PT, so it was hard on all of us. And like you, I kept looking back and thinking: we'd have more money if we hadn't (gone out to eat, bought gifts for b'days, spent money to send the kid to camp, seen the 1 movie I was interested in this year, etc, etc.). If you keep dwelling in the past, you will only depress yourself, which could easily lead to overeating. Think of it this way: when you're so stressed because of the job situation, having a good bike to ride on, to help you release your stress, will be a blessed gift you gave yourself.

    Keep your chin up. I always enjoy your blogs, and wish you the best.

    1425 days ago
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