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My hearts not into it.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

I have a half marathon coming up on Saturday morning and my heart is not into it at all. I'll run it but im just going through the motions because I already paid for it.

There is some serious stuff going down at work and the anxiety is killing me. We are dangerously close to a strike. I am hoping for a fair and reasonable settlement on both sides but no one is giving ground and I am losing faith that this will end well.

We are already setting up picket areas, signing up for strike duty, temp workers have been called in and there are strike trailers on the property. This is going beyond the usual contract bluster that happened in 2008. We are cleaning out our lockers and bracing for the worst.

I have done what I can, saved, and prepared but I still cant help but think about all the times I went out and enjoyed myself with the feeling that the money could have been used to help me in times like this and I really havent been extravagent at all but the guilt is there, especially my new bike. The one time I let my hair down and did something for me for a change. After about 8 months, the aluminum frame will start looking tasty.

I am praying for a temporary settlement so we can keep working.

it is so difficult to make good choices when my heart is being eaten alive with fear and worry, second guessing and asking did I do everything i could to make sure my family will be provided for, was I a good provider or was I a self centered middle aged wannabe with something to prove. I feel like i did the best I could but then I think about the voluntary overtime i passed up so i could be home instead of working 12's, I felt like I was making enough and wanted to be home and having a life rather than living in the pit. Now that it is looking all the world like the hammer is going to drop, I ask myself will my family suffer because of decisions I made, good faith or not?

Time will tell. We have until 11:59pm Friday.

I will run this Saturday, it will serve as a good distraction.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • v AWOOD1973
    So sorry for the stress you are going through. You have done a wonderful job at making sure your family is provided for. You are taking care of yourself and that in turn, will help you take care of them. You are healthy and that means a lot to your family. As long as you have that love and support, you have millions in your pocket. The rest will take care of itself.

    Hoping that the outcome of your job is good. Hang in there and try to enjoy your race. Your family is not thinking that you are being selfish, but happy that you are around to be a part of their lives. Take care. Best wishes.

    1421 days ago
    You don't have wonder if the decisions you made were right. Wanting to be home to spend time with your family was what you wanted to do and it was the right thing to do. Don't question yourself. Whatever might happen at your job, your family and you will be alright. In the end there is always a way we make things work.
    1422 days ago
    Tough times for sure. But I don't think anyone on their deathbed ever wished they had worked more and spent less time at home. So hopefully this will all work out and there will be no strike. Keep up posted--we all care!
    1422 days ago
    You can't buy time,you spent time with your family there is no price value on that, none !
    You did the right thing! I'm hoping it will all work out for you and your family, who is lucky to have you there!
    1422 days ago
    Family First, the rest will follow. Taking care of yourself may be a gift to you but based on how far you've come I'm guessing your wife and kids will have dad around a LOT LONGER than if you had stayed your original course, sobering most definitely but a reality so fear not, things happen for a reason. emoticon emoticon
    1424 days ago
  • v WOWGIRL51
    Hey sweetie, your family needs you to be more than the income generator. They need you to be there to love them, to have you as a role model, to have fun with you and to just have you.

    You couldn't predict what was going to happen, hindsight is indeed 20/20. Should you have worked every hour under the sun and saved every penny? What kind of person would you have been to them then? Should we be afraid to live because one day we will die? You cannot carry all that guilt: You are not responsible for all that happens and you are not alone in dealing with it.

    You have overcome so many challenges already and you will again. Whatever is thrown at you, you will deal with and you will come out the other side. Right now you are in limbo and can't see the wood for the trees, but when a decision is made either way you will know what you are dealing with, and you will deal with it because that is who you are.
    1424 days ago
    As you know, que sera sera. SO, live for today and don't borrow tomorrow's troubles. When I get anxiety bad (and I am so bad I have meds for it) I try to think of the animals who live in the moment. The good or bad event that happened to them yesterday is gone; likewise the good or bad yet to come is left until that time. You will deal as you must when you have to so until then, enjoy your run.
    1424 days ago
    Prayers for wiser heads to prevail and a negotiated agreement will blossom. More prayers that you will sail over this rough ground as lightly as a cloud. Run on, dear friend. Run on.
    1424 days ago
    I hope your mind clears
    1425 days ago
    BUT what if you don't go on strike! You worried and ruined your marathon for nothing! Better to learn to act as if............. Stay in today! Mind set!!!!!

    I know you can do it!
    1425 days ago
    This stinks. I sure hope things your way. Whatever happens, you can't beat yourself up over things in the past that you can't do anything about. That kind of thinking will tear you up! Peace to you, friend.
    1425 days ago
    You're in my thoughts! I hope it gets settled!!!
    1425 days ago
    Hope you get it settled
    1425 days ago
  • v FUNFROG79
    Thinking of you!~
    1425 days ago
  • v STRIVER57
    good luck ... you'll need it to get a decent settlement, but you should ... and i agree with most everyone else that choosing time with your family is never a mistake ... (i tend to make the opposite mistake too often!) ... spent time in the UP a long time ago -- lots and lots of luck and have a great race! solidarity forever also!
    1425 days ago
  • v LINDAKAY228
    I'm so hoping that they reach at least a temporary agreement for your. That is so scary. But I don't think you were wrong to turn down the overtime before so you could have a life was wrong. All work and no play is not good. Don't second guess yourself at this point and don't let guilt eat you up. Just keep moving forward. We all have things that we wish we could do over in our lives for whatever reason. But if we could do them over sometimes it would be a mistake. Life is short, and you have to balance work and playtime. How many people have worked all their lives without any play thinking they could play when they retired and then something unforseen happened. They got sick, or died or their spouse needed care. Or something else happened and they couldn't live the life they put of thinking it would come later and later it didn't and they spend te rest of their life with regrets. You have to plan for the future but also live for today. You will make it through this. It may get tough but you will make it through and come out stronger. How much worse would this time be without your biking and working on your trail and other things be to help you stay mentally and physically fit. If you had just devoted all your time to working, and not found an activity you are passionate about, you'd still weigh what you used to and turn to food to get you through this or maybe have a heart attack or serious illness that would have rendered you unable to work. So be glad for what you've done and trust that you will get through whatever lies ahead. Use your fitness pursuits to help you deal with the stress. Go and throw your mind and body into the race on Saturday and use it to escape for a while from the worries and just be in the moment. When you go out riding or are working on your land do the same thing.
    Good luck and hope the worst doesn't come to pass for you. Whatever happens, you are strong and you can deal with it using the tools you've learned along the way.
    1425 days ago
  • v _JODI404

    I pray that there is a quick resolution.

    I totally understand your fear, worry, and anxiety. I think those are completely normal feelings in such a scary situation that could have such large personal impacts to many families. Remember the Serenity Prayer, and TRY not to worry about those things which are not in your control. If your family is impacted, it will not be because of you, but because of the strike. It's very easy to do a lot of what ifs.... but truly..... not very valuable except working up your stress even further.

    You have a TOUGH job. With shifts that I cannot imagine working. What you do to provide for your family day in and day out is impressive. You have to be able to LIVE a life outside of work. Work is a paycheck. The time outside of work with your family, doing what makes you happy is what really matters. I pray the strike won't happen, but if it does, use that time to your fullest advantage to pursue your Iron dreams. Don't belittle your dreams. When times get tough, the tough get going. Turn to your bike that brings you so much happiness and fulfillment. Spend time with your family that you don't normally get. Try your best to put FAITH over FEAR. Try not to spend valuable time looking back to the past or ahead to things that may not happen. Try to be in the present moment... and make the best choices you can. You will be in my thoughts and prayers for the best outcome. Please do keep us updated... you have SO much support here, I hope that brings some comfort to you.
    emoticon emoticon
    1425 days ago
  • v SA9CHI
    Frankly, I believe you've made the right decisions by focusing on yourself and spending time with you family. You've got your head on straight by putting yourself at the top along with your family. Don't look back on those decision but instead be confident in the fact that you are focusing on improving yourself and the bond with your family.

    What you think may be a bad situation may be a blessing in disguise. Enjoy the life journey and embrace the fact that you are doing the best you can and that's all you can do. Enjoy the marathon!
    1425 days ago
  • v GINA180847
    Those are very legit worries but think of it this way:Will worrying change things? When one door closes another will open, remember what is most important.....yours and your families physical and mental health. Love your loved ones and trust the Almighty. emoticon
    1425 days ago
  • v 123ELAINE456
    You have a lot of suggestions and comments from other SparkPeople. I glad you have your new Bike. You can go for rides to get away from all the stress etc. that is going on. Im very sorry you are having to go through this. This will soon pass. This could have something to do with the Novemder 6, 2012 Election coming up to elect a New President. President Obama has put so many Regulations on Coal Mines, their operations etc. to close them down. President Elect Romey wants to run the oil pipe line down from Canada, drill for oil, use coal and natural gas etc. He wants to make the United States free of all foreign oil etc. by 2020. Also to create 12 Million new jobs. The United States Needs a New President and Leader. I hope you do well saturday with your race. Try to take it easy and see how things go. God Bless You and Have a Wonderful Week. Keep looking up . God is with You. You Can Do This.


    1425 days ago

    Comment edited on: 8/31/2012 11:43:03 AM
  • v LAURIE5658
    Oh Robert, my dear dear friend, I am so sorry that this stress is overtaking you body and soul. Have faith in God that it will work out somehow. Please know I am thinking about you and your family.

    Love you! emoticon
    1425 days ago
    You know, it is times like these that the bike and the run are more needed than ever to let off the stress steam. For me, my bike has always been the best therapy. Relax and enjoy because all of the worry in the world will not change the upcoming outcome, nor make you more prepared. I think it's good that you did get the bike when you did before life happens to prevent it. Best wishes and I hope you enjoy the run and your bike.
    1425 days ago
    I am sorry to hear what u are going through. I went through 2 strikes myself and they are awful. Keep fighting and I think the run will be a great distraction and just put all your anger and clear you mind during it it might be very beneficial!!!! Good luck hope all goes well buddy!!!!
    1425 days ago
    Take a few deep breaths. Trust that what ever happens, you will figure it out and you will make it okay for your family. I know this is true because I was laid off from a job I loved in April 2012. After I stopped panicking, I started planning and I've cultivated a lucrative career that isn't nearly as stressful as my former position. Somehow things always work out. Keep your head up. No regrets. Hang in there!
    1425 days ago

    Your friends have made many good comments for you to ponder.
    Do not play the woulda-shoula-coulda game with yourself. If will get you no where and be a waste of mental energy.
    Run your race. You have worked hard and have earned the right to do so. Those endorphins will be very good for your stress level.
    Sorry you are feeling stressed and discouraged. Hang in there.
    This to shall pass.


    1425 days ago
    Sorry you are going through this but try and hang in there. You need to take care of yourself. Hopefully all will work out for the best. You will come out stronger in the end. Try and enjoy your run tomorrow!
    1425 days ago
    I agree with all of these comments. Just do the best you can right now. I'm sending prayers your way. Hang in there. emoticon
    1425 days ago
  • v LULU3561
    emoticon PRAYERS OUT TO YOU - running will work off some of that stress.
    1425 days ago
    Completely agree with MBSHAZZER. My husband recently decided to quit his job - it was a long and painful decision. In the economy in Brevard County, Florida, it was a very hard decision because with the shuttle program closed, jobs are at a premium. Fortunately, he's not the high earner in our family but he still paid his share of the bills and now we're struggling to figure out how to pay the bills in the next month, or two, or three, or six. My good habits and weight are paying for it. I'm stressed, I'm eating way too much junk (and feeling yucky because of it), I'm not sleeping properly and I'm not exercising properly. Life is tough but don't look back at what you did when things weren't as stressful, it won't change anything. Just push forward and do the best you can do.
    1425 days ago
    I hope an agreement can be found in time. Either way you have the support and caring of an entire Spark community. Stay strong and try to stay positive. Hopefully even though your hearts not in it, your Saturday run will be a boost to your outlook right now. Perhaps it will be time to reflect and give you a clear head. We are all here for you!
    1425 days ago
    Robert, as the CWO of my household (that's Chief Worry Officer), I have to tell you that you absolutely cannot live your life as a series of "what-ifs". Lots of things MAY happen. It is important to be prudent with your lifestyle, but you cannot give up all pleasure and joy in your life because something MAY happen. At the end of the day, what is most important is your health. If you skipped overtime so you could exercise, DO NOT feel guilty about that.

    1425 days ago
  • v MISSLISA1973
    Many hugs to you and your incredible, my friend. These are tough times for you. Although second guessing yourself is natural (so don't beat yourself up for it), you truly did do what you felt best. You have been a great example of love to your family and have given them the example of good health. Would you rather they follow in the footsteps you have walked -- and run! -- these last months, or the example of someone who dug his own unhappy grave "in a pit."

    You have great writing skills, and lots of experience and knowledge to back it up. Maybe you could sell some writing during this time for some extra cash to help you through if the strike proceeds. There may be someone in your area who needs a running coach (a high school or college, or a local running organization) or a personal trainer. Not simple solutions, I know. I just hope these ideas help reassure you that your healthy choices have opened up new opportunities for you and your family, should things not work out where you are now.

    I am sorry for all you are going through. Thank you for sharing your heart with us so we can do our best to bring you a measure of comfort. You have been an inspiration, a friend, and a cheerleader for so many of us through good times and bad. Thank you for trusting us to be the same for you.

    emoticon Lisa
    1425 days ago
    Use this race on Saturday as a way to de-stress yourself. You have no way to control the outcome and you sound like you have done so much for your family already. You are a good husband and father. Keep the faith.... everything will turn out just fine as long as you have faith!
    1425 days ago
  • v OPTIMIST1948
    Stress creates cortisol. The "anticortisol" is endorphins. Run the race. You are not in contol of negotiations. You cant contol what is happening. All you can control is how you feel about it.
    1425 days ago
  • v KTTAYLOR21
    I worked for Verizon so the fear of striking is not a stranger to me. Just have faith that what you have in your account is more then enough. God always make away and you just have to have FAITH!! Pray that maybe you all will work without a contract. Verizon currently has been working without a contract for a year now so anything is possible. I do know that if you company strike your utility companies will understand. And be prepared to work all the OT you can once the strike is over, IF there is a strike.

    You will be fine!! Don't allow fear and anxiety to take over. You can't control what the future can hold. Maybe if you do strike it will be short one.

    I'll keep you in prayer!
    1425 days ago
  • v SNOOKUMS19
    As others have said exercise will do you well my friend. We are going through some financial stuff here and I know how stressful it can be. One day at a time is my only thought for you today. It will be a long day for you. emoticon
    1425 days ago
  • v FITFOODIE806
    Sometimes I feel guilty about my bike too. My DH always reminds me how happy it makes me, that it's an investment in our health. Go for a little ride to get some of that stress out. Remind yourself, that it is good to put yourself first sometimes. You need that bike. And you and your family are strong. You will get through this rough time. Prayers for a resolution at work.
    1425 days ago
    My advice would be:

    don't worry about the race. Don't set yourself a time goal - you don't need the extra pressure. Instead, concentrate on enjoying the race. Think of it as doing you good - mentally and emotionally as well in terms of physical fitness.

    Make it your goal to
    1) enjoy it
    2) encourage as many others as you can along the way.

    That way, if you don't run as fast as you'd like to You'll still have achieved your goals and be able to feel really positive about it. Even if you have an 'awful' race it won't have been in vain because you'll have helped others (just by saying things like 'well done' or 'hey, we're doing really well aren't we - we've done five miles already!').

    And you just MIGHT find that, without the pressure, you can relax enough to run a really good race!

    All the best - and I look forward to hearing how you get on!
    1425 days ago
  • v ANDASI
    Yes you are having some heavy toughts weighing on youre mind right now but try to live in the moment and not the past. Regardless what decisions and choices you made in the past they were the right ones at the time. Saying no to overtime and the bike have added to youre health and strength and endurance to get throught hard times. I can guarantee that the time you took off to better yureself and family outweigh the oposite. Just think if you were not on this journey you would be traveling on a diffrent one and that might have cost money also. Eating in restaurant or what ever else we tend to do to pass time when we are not taking care of ourselfs also can cost money. The thinking you are going through the negative thoughts about the past i think that is partly the reflection of how we berate, beat ourselfs up and feel guilt i think it all ties in to the whole emotional issues overeaters strugle with so dont go to that place. Rationality will tell you this is a tough time and we will get through it and you stand in today not the past.

    1425 days ago
    Nobody ever leaves this world saying, "I wish I'd spent more time at the office."
    1426 days ago
  • v SPIRIT42013
    Sounds like you need to exert yourself to releave some of that stress. You can't stop living because of the decisions of other people, or can you? Sure your very discouraged, but don't fall back and give up ground! Go for the gusto! Tomorrow is not guaranteed, ever! emoticon
    1426 days ago
  • v SPIRIT42013
    Sounds like you need to exert yourself to releave some of that stress. You can't stop living because of the decisions of other people, or can you? Sure your very discouraged, but don't fall back and give up ground! Go for the gusto! Tomorrow is not guaranteed, ever! emoticon
    1426 days ago
  • v NANHBH
    I am holding you in prayer. If you didn't have your health, you might not be here for your family at all. Keep the faith. Trust in God.
    1426 days ago
    Fear is from Satan, have faith in God and Believe. I will agree with you that it will get settled. Do not be so hard on yourself, remember you ARE a good person and it WILL work out!
    1426 days ago
    Sounds to me like hindsight is the best choice, but we don't have that. WE can't see what is coming and teleport back in time. WE do the best we can with what we have and know, as did you. Don't second guess that you didn't prepare for something you couldn't have known was coming. You did the best you could and now all you can do is continue to do the best you can. Continue continuing on.
    1426 days ago
    You probably have no control over whether there is a strike or not, but you can control how much effort you put into that race. I hope to hear that you set a new personal record this Saturday and that you are reporting to work as usual on Monday. Good luck on both counts.
    1426 days ago
    Shoulda Coulda Woulda never solved anything.

    You made an investment in yourself. That, like education, is not something that can be taken from you (well, yea, I guess the physical bike can be...), that reaching out for a bigger goal.

    And the run will be good thinking time - meditation - get into the zone - maybe think of things you really really like to do, and consider a career move? We've had people here in Wichita who basically lost their jobs in the aircraft industry due to strikes, and they were as old as you or older... just walked away and went into business for themselves. Almost all of them say they took drastic cut in pay but the mental outlook improved, and stress levels were reduced....families rally together to make the best of the situation.

    It's a tough situation but when one door closes, another door or window will open!


    1426 days ago
  • v WORDGIRL830
    I know your family appreciates the times you have passed up overtime. Just the fact that you are concerned for your family shows the kind of person you are. When I think about my childhood, what I remember about my daddy is that he was there for us always. I have no doubts that your family feels the exact same way. At the end of the day, that's all that matters. I will pray for you that everything will work out at your job. Keep taking care of yourself and hold on to what matters most. That is always your family and the love you are surrounded by.
    1426 days ago
  • v DATMAMA4
    Don't beat yourself up about what is in the past. Your choice to not work voluntary overtime reminds me of my own hubby -- he often passes it up in order to spend the time at home with me and our kids, who really appreciate his choice. Our boys are 19 and almost 17, and our daughter is 12, and they love that their Papa would rather spend the extra time with them than making overtime money. Yes, he does work it sometimes, but he has never truly regretted the times he's passed it up.

    You have planned and saved to the best of your ability, and it doesn't sound like you've been frivolous with your money or neglectful of your family's needs. A strike is a scary thing, yes, and as the provider for your household I'm sure you are feeling the stress more than anyone else. Use your running and biking as tools to relieve your body's stress, and as ways to take good care of yourself so you can better care for your family.

    I'll be praying!
    1426 days ago
    Robert...oh my heart goes out to you and your family. Remember that God is the provider and he will provide throughout this time in your life. I will be praying too for a quick resolution to the issues of the strike. And I think exercise distractions are a great strategy, as well as, you spending time with your family and buying your bike are important things. Try not to have regrets. Hugs...Robin
    1426 days ago
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