Thursday, August 30, 2012
Day 1 started off great, two days ago. Then one of my coworkers held out a chocolate frosted donut to me. It had festive sprinkles on it.
Several brain chemistry processes were triggered and within microseconds, my dopamine centers in my brain lit up like a pinball machine, my best intentions were shoved aside and I became nothing but a being of WANTING. There was no distance between the WANTING and the TAKING and the EATING. Halfway through the donut, I kind of remembered that I had written a blog posting about my intention to avoid the very thing I was eating that day, so what kicked in was (there's no better way to say it) The F**k-Its. F**k It, I might as well eat the rest of this donut. Which led to "F**k it, I might as well eat this small bag of M&Ms" which led to, "F**k It, if my husband's coworkers are dumb enough to leave ice cream cones unattended in their freezer after working hours, I might as well help myself!"
So yes!! Day 1?? Needed a do-over.
Yeterday's Day 1 was much better. I woke up and told myself "Today is a new day, and I refuse to be encumbered with yesterday's nonsense." I got through the day only slightly over my calorie range, with no refined sugar in any of the food I ate. WOO HOO.
Just as one small misstep can start a domino chain reaction into repeated blunders and missteps, one small success can start a chain reaction in a positive direction. I know that because I got through yesterday, that I have it in me to get through today.
Today I am trying much harder to give myself some space between WANTING and TAKING. My sobriety has taught me that wanting something and NOT HAVING IT can be painful, yes, but it won't kill me. It also gets easier with time - I hardly ever sit for hours in surly pouting agony over not drinking anymore, if I have a pang it is gone within a minute. The life I've built in sobriety far outweighs whatever I imagine having a drink will give me.
I hate sitting through the unfulfilled desire for something tasty part of this, though. It feels terrible to me. HOWEVER, I **KNOW** from experience that the RELIEF AND JOY of NOT picking up sugary foods will outweigh the pain of thwarted desire. Someday.
It's hard to remember that in the moment when the compulsion seems to be driving the bus. I have decided that trying to quit a substance that I am addicted to is a difficult thing to do alone, so I am going to commit to going to one OA meeting a week to get the "real life" support I need to do this.
In non food news, Tyler has called us a few times from college, he's auditioned for the orchestra (he plays violin) and has made some friends. He says one of his professors looks like Larry David. He doesn't seem that homesick. I'm feeling a little less bereft knowing he's doing okay, plus talking to him here and there has helped, too.
This weekend one of my closest friends is coming to visit me. We plan to tour Edith Wharton's house up in Lenox, MA and maybe do some thrifting/junking. She is a member of OA, and has food drama, too. I'm on Yelp trying to scout out healthier places for both of us to have lunch up there. Ooh, look at me, planning to be sure that I'm okay and won't make any decisions based on emotion or impulse!
That's one thing I remember from my various 12-step programs that I'm trying to put into practice today. A little something called HALT. I won't let myself get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired...because that makes me vulnerable to using unhealthy food to comfort myself. I have my meals planned, I am not angry about anything at the moment, but if something happens, I'm going to talk about it rather than try to push it away, I will reach out to someone positive in my life if I feel lonely, and I slept like a baby last night. I will check in with myself several times today to be sure nothing funky is going on inside me that I'm ignoring.
Looking forward to a Day 3.