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Reflections During My 43rd Birthday.


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Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Today was my 43rd birthday. No big celebration but it seems like I spent much of my time reflecting and thinking. Don't know why but it seems like I have a thing for just sitting with a mug of coffee and pondering. Frustration has been the theme of my life of late. Frustration with myself, frustration at my inability to finish this and move on, to lose the rest of this weight and press on with my life. Frustration at feeling like I am an athlete trapped in a spongy body. I will be honest with you, raw brutally frank honesty. Having done both, I can say that it is easier for me to run a marathon than it is to lose these pesky forty pounds. I am really 70 pounds overweight (still) but I can live with the remaining 30 pounds and take it off whenever.

Wow, seriously??? YES Seriously. It is easier to train, get fit, strong, finish races and even do impressive things than it is to rein in my appetites. Don't let anyone fool you or make it look easy, this is a tough journey.

That was me being brutally honest. Also, more honesty, I'm tired of always feeling held back by my weight, I just want it to be over so I can move on. I'm frustrated... I started when I was 38, I'm 43 and still beating my head against the wall....

Well I WAS feeling that way until I watched this..

youtu.be/DTlvDMBDIxQ

In a few short minutes I had a MAJOR reality check.

Now I feel profoundly thankful to be alive and to even be having this debate inside me. My heart went out to this guy. Basically after weighing 650 lbs and having a dramatic weight loss, this guy slides back into his old ways and regains most of it. He lost the mental battle.
When he cried during the segment, my heart went out to him and I wanted to give him a huge hug and let him know that he is worth the fight, worth the effort. Instant paradigm shift.

I wonder if he had the same mental battles I do, if he felt the same way at times.

Its amazing how I would instantly reach out to someone like that but wont do it for myself..well Robert... Where is MY hug? dude you have come so far, YOU are worth the effort and no matter how frustrated you may feel at this moment, YOU are worth the effort. You are not a joke because you are a flabby athlete. I am living a new life and it takes time to adjust.

My present to myself?

The permission to feel my frustration, get angry, feel like my goal is a million miles away, then after the pity party is all over, box that big sloppy mess up and stow it. I am a human being and am allowed to have my moments and sometimes I don't give myself permission to let them out.

Feel them, even let a few tears come out, embrace it for what it is, then move on.

I have a mountain to climb. I have a job to do.

Then when I am 44, I can look back and rejoice in how I didn't let my emotions get the upper hand and I overcame and made it all the way.

44 here I come.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
EMILYDOODLE 9/6/2012 12:01AM

  happy belated birthday! emoticon

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OLDGIRL1 9/1/2012 11:52PM

  Happy Belated Birthday. It was my 75th, I am plugging at this slowly as well and slowly succeding. emoticon emoticon emoticon Maureen

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GOSPARK45 9/1/2012 6:41PM

    Great blog! You've given yourself a present. Now if you feel down, just reread your blog. It should give you the motivation to love yourself enough to continue on.

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FIREFLY_MEDIC 9/1/2012 6:30PM

    :)

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NILLAPEPSI 9/1/2012 4:08PM

    emoticon emoticon

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LUCINDARW 9/1/2012 2:43PM

    Happy Belated Birthday! Being able to feel is human and I know you will over come whatever obstacle is in your way due to your past success. Being able to recognise and go through the feelings then putting them aside is a great step to future success. Good luck in your journey. Lucinda

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CAMAEL100 9/1/2012 2:31PM

    I think your comment on the video is spot on - "he lost the mental battle". I feel so sorry for him. And all the stupid comments on Youtube! Do they really think that after all his hard work that he just casually just put it all back on again???????.

Anyone who struggles with weight knows it is a constant battle and we have to make ourselves believe we are worth it. It is not always easy, I am just hoping that I do it often enough to out weigh the bad days!!

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SHARA53 9/1/2012 1:04PM

    Happy belated birthday and know that you are not alone in your struggle.Your story (and David's) provide real inspiration to me to fight this battle one day, one meal or snack, at a time. And when I fail because I'm human like we all are, it's not time to give up the ghost, but rather time to get back on that horse and look at what I can do for myself in the moment I'm in!


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Comment edited on: 9/1/2012 1:04:37 PM

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FUSCHIA6 9/1/2012 1:02PM

    Belated Happy Birthday to you Robert!
Your response to that video reminded me of our inner voices:
What would we say to our best friend in a situation? We both felt a lot of compassion for the man's struggle. We need to show ourselves the same compassion. What would our inner coach say to us? What would our inner therapist say? (Ha! They might say they don't know & to consult a therapist in the flesh.)
It all reminds me that this is a very real, life threatening situation & our health is priority #1. About your bike: your family counts, your family's future counts, & you count too. It is important & okay to take care of yourself as well.
Best of luck with this horrendous work situation. I want people to share & care about each other & not just about what they can squeeze out of someone else.
Blessings.
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MAXXIZ20 9/1/2012 10:11AM

    I just turned 43 as well. I feel your pain & frustration. I know we are not in exactly the same place but just know we all go through much of what you feel. I applaud you for writing it & being honest. Not many people can be with themselves or others. Take care of yourself & know you are not alone. The battles might be long but worth it to stay healthy. Keep pushing ahead & do the best you can. No one is perfect even though we seem to always want to strive for perfection. Any stride great or small is an accomplishment. Never diminish it. Keep smiling emoticon

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SUNNYARIZONA 9/1/2012 9:46AM

    Time is on your side and the will to achieve is there....so go for it with determination! !! You will make your goal NO DOUBT ABOUT IT!!!!!

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K1TT3N 9/1/2012 9:35AM

    Happy belated Bday and great blog

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BLOOMING52 9/1/2012 9:28AM

    Happy belated birthday!

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BESSHAILE 9/1/2012 6:55AM

    I'm SO glad you realized how deserving you are - of (more) love, of (more) hugs, of (more) success.

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SEABREEZE65 9/1/2012 6:06AM

    Many many great years to come Robert.
The mental battle is often the toughest to overcome.

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MANILUS 8/31/2012 11:46PM

    Keep pushing, you will get there, you have done so well! I have about 40 lbs left to go and have moments just like you. After losing 107 lbs, I just want to be done but I see progress daily so just press on!!!

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REVCLC 8/31/2012 10:50PM

    I understand, definitely. Good for you for facing the negative feelings and then boxing them up! Thanks for sharing.

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CAROL494 8/31/2012 10:11PM

  emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JESSICAMONT32 8/31/2012 9:26PM

    Wow.....your blog really touched a spot with me. I too feel like a heavy athlete ....and training for marathons is way easier than keeping appeitiate in check for me as well. Keep up the great work...i liked your post

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KMEHLERS41 8/31/2012 5:45PM

  I was recently feeling down and I found a book titled "You Can Be Happy No Matter What" by Richard Carlson. It was one of those "bargain books" at Barnes & Nobel, so I thought what the heck! I read the first few chapters and I have felt 100 times better since. The premise is that we are the thinkers of our own thoughts, so when a negative thought comes in, just realizing that you thought the thought and you can think about a positive thought just as easily, can be life changing. Of course, I know I think my own thoughts, but making myself be conscious of it and that I have the ability to turn it around was profound for me. Now whenever I have a negative thought like; I hate my thighs, I tell myself that I thought that thought and to stop thinking negatively about myself. I replace it with positive thoughts like what I've done today to take care of myself or just a simple thought about something funny or cute I saw recently. It's so simple, and so powerful! Hope this helps others who are down on themselves. You are your worst critic and you'd never be friends with someone who spoke to you the way you speak to yourself, so be a good friend to yourself!

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SHOAPIE 8/31/2012 5:38PM

    emoticon

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SWTHNY- 8/31/2012 3:54PM

    Its important to feel. Sometimes we just don't like the feelings though.
hugz
cheryl

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HISARTIST 8/31/2012 3:16PM

    I will turn 43 in October, and there are days that I feel the same way you do. frustrated that even though I have come so far, I still have a million miles to go to get to where I want to be. But you know, it is amazing how we let our minds talk to ourselves about what we've done, where we've been and where we are going. We would never in a million years think of talking to someone else the way we talk to ourselves and yet we accept it...it's ok because it's just us and we are being "honest" with ourselves. But then I think, are we really being honest, or are we letting that horrible little limiting voice in our head determine our success? I mean really...where have we come from and where are we now? That kind of transformation is daunting to say the least and yet, we have accomplished it. Perhaps it isn't the entirety of what we want to do or become, but my goodness it is a change that not a lot of people even have the courage to attempt let alone achieve. I tell my students all the time, the body will do what we tell it to. The minute you let that little voice say, "you can't", your body (and your ultimate success) is already limited. I tell them all the time, "tell that stupid little voice to shut up and go fall in a hole!" You are worth so much more than that voice will ever let you experience. You ARE worthy, you ARE strong, you ARE beautiful, you ARE smart, and you WILL achieve ANYTHING you put your mind to!!! Keep on with this battle and never discount the success you have or the accomplishments you have reached. Life is a journey, not merely a destination...it's all about how you travel. Travel well my friend!!! emoticon

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MARGARITTM 8/31/2012 2:07PM

    Happy Birthday!

Enjoy the journey!

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KAREN_NY 8/31/2012 1:17PM

    Adventure & good spirit for your new year! Now, kick it!!!! :)

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FEMISLIM 8/31/2012 12:40PM

    It's going to be a wonderful 44. Thanks for the video.

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MIPALADY23 8/31/2012 11:49AM

    You are worth the hard work and effort!! Great blog, thanks for sharing! AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

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GINA180847 8/31/2012 11:29AM

    Happy 43rd Birthday! Oh God I feel so for that young man. What a soul sickness he suffers from. I remember watching when he lost all that initial weight and thinking he is so very shy and this does not feel real to him. It makes my last 25 lbs. to lose seem trivial but it is all part and parcel of the same thing. We do not feel worthy of being the best we can be. Please Robert you need to feel good about yourself and believe that we all love you as I need to believe that I deserve the love of my wonderful children, husband and friends. I for one am going to work harder with ElizRN on the Sugar Addiction team as I know hypnosis and just working through issues is needed.

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ESME25 8/31/2012 10:36AM

    emoticon emoticon

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SPARKLISE 8/31/2012 10:21AM

    I know a little bit how this guy feels.
I have lost and regained 100lbs twice in my life and It's hard for the head to adjust to the new body.
Hopefully this time,I will make it to my goal and stay there!
Keep on sparking and being so honest.
We need people who tell it like it is. emoticon

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AMSPARKER 8/31/2012 9:44AM

    Happy Birthday! My 41st is coming up. Robert, you really write beautifully. I look forward to reading and reflecting on each of your blogs (no pressure! :)

Just wanted to reach out and give you a hug, too. You are awesome!!

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FARIS71 8/31/2012 9:04AM

    That is amazing. I feel the same way. I'm training for my first half marathon and I would rather do that every day of the week that tackle my food issues so I can finally lose this last bit of weight that I've been battling for many months. And I can't thank you enough for the paradigm shift - I am worth it, I may whine but I too will box that big sloppy mess up and move on. I will not let frustration get the best of me. No chance!

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DOTTY7267 8/31/2012 8:35AM

    I often find that my birthdays are reflective times for me too. I look at where I "feel" I should be, and what more I have to accomplish, and it can become overwhelming. But I am thankful for the reality checks that come along to make me thankful and appreciative of what I've done so far and where I've come from. Enjoy your accomplishments because they are great! You inspire many, especially me, to believe that if you work hard enough with concentrated focus you can accomplish much.

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THEIS58 8/31/2012 5:51AM

    Happy birthday and great insight!

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WE_PA_FIT 8/30/2012 10:25AM

    amazing.. the video and your perspective.. hold on to that.
And we've all been there.. whether it's 100 lbs or 10 lbs we keep trying to lose....

"After working so hard, to change the outside, it was the inside that needed to change as well." SO profound.... So true... take your mind off that 'final destination' (which sometimes is not all it's cracked up to be anyway) ...and just ENJOY the journey!!!!

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FITWITHIN 8/30/2012 9:28AM

    Once the frustrations has passed. I do believe that it show us a since of empowerment after all the doubts has moved on. We just have to remember all that we went thorough; to get to where we are in our journey. You done and excellent job and will lose those last 30 pounds off.

Happy Belated Birthday! emoticon emoticon

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EVER-HOPEFUL 8/30/2012 6:04AM

    happy belated birthday robert and since you asked here is your emoticon you desearve them.take care and keep smiling and above all keep on keeping on. emoticon

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BACKTOME10 8/30/2012 5:55AM

    Happy Birthday!!!! I love the youtube video.... It's all a balance of everything!!! It proves once again....Healthy lifesyle is a decision that needs to be made by each individual. You can't do it for someone else...It has to be your decision for YOU! You live, breath, and believe in it!

Regarding the final pounds to lose...I have come to realize that our bodies will lose it when it is ready! As long as you stay on track...keep doing what you did that got you to this point, tweak a few things...it will come off! Just takes a little longer!!

Great inspirational and movitvational blog!!!!

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LKEITHO 8/29/2012 10:00PM

    Happy Birthday! emoticon

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CLPURNELL 8/29/2012 6:13PM

    emoticon

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SNOOKUMS19 8/29/2012 5:56PM

    I've recently turned 42...thank you for the reality check! Happy Birthday! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BECCA315 8/29/2012 5:51PM

    Glad nobody saw me crying when I watched the video. But I guess we all have to deal with the frustrations on scales that don't move, or don't move in the direction we want them to. And we have to be able to deal with issues without stuffing our feelings inside. Hopefully, this helped you as much as it will the rest of us.

Becca

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KDYLOSE 8/29/2012 5:49PM

    Look at it this way: you've raised your expectations tremendously. At first I bet you were just hoping to lose some weight and keep it off. Now you're not going to be satisfied until you're a fit athlete. This is a good thing! You see what's within your reach now, and the only frustration is that it's taking longer.

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ALDEBARANIAN 8/29/2012 5:23PM

    Hey, we feel good, we feel bad. Feelings come and go. "It's the heart that really matters in the end"- Rob Thomas, in Little Wonders.

I wonder if that guy has SparkPeople. I wasn't loosing weight the way I wanted to, kept checking the scale, got frustrated, realized I had to something different. Now I'm working on attitude. Loose a little, make some lifestyle changes, work from the inside out. It's the slower, gradual lifestyle changes that seem to work for the 5% who successfully shed the weight and keep it off.

Someday I'll get the scale back out of the closet. For now I'm getting stronger, eating better, and learning more about me and my lady.

I know you already read this, but if you've reset your article points, you can get 3 more for reading it again. http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource
/wellness_articles.asp?id=1724<
BR>
Happy Birthday. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Comment edited on: 8/29/2012 5:34:15 PM

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DRB13_1 8/29/2012 5:13PM

    Robert - you are a champion!
What happened to the reality star is NOT in the cards for you. Glad you could feel kind enough to want to reach out to him in his pain, but his experience reminds us to love ourselves, no matter where we are in life.
When we see your picture, we see a winner. That is who YOU are!
(Belated Happy Birthday)

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PIXIEMOM13 8/29/2012 5:07PM

    Happy birthday!! I wanted to watch the segment, but I'm at work and watching anything more than 1 min or two..lol.. well, its a challenge!

Big HUGS to you and way to go on fighting the fight... mental and physical.


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STEPHM-ARATHON 8/29/2012 4:39PM

    I hear you. Why is it so (relatively) easy to train for and run a marathon but so hard to finish losing weight? I got within 20 lbs of goal, but could never finish. So frustrating.

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BRITTEEG 8/29/2012 4:07PM

    Happy Birthday! It's so easy to lose sight of what we've accomplished. I remember when I lost the first 20 pounds, how ecstatic I was over the success I was feeling, I'm down 57 now, and it's far too simple to be disappointed it's not more. Thank you for this excellent reminder. Happy Birthday.

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KITHKINCAID 8/29/2012 3:39PM

    Happy Birthday Robert. Look at all you have accomplished this year and BE PROUD!

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NANHBH 8/29/2012 3:29PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
A belated happy birthday!

Thanks for sharing this link about David. It is so true that we have to change from the inside out. I've heard it said that we'd probably experience more success if we looked at how far we have come rather than looking at how far we have to go. We should dwell more on what we have accomplished rather than beating ourselves up for not accomplishing more. Just a thought.

You've done amazing things so far! Next year, there will be more accomplishments. Keep up the good work!
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