Today was my 43rd birthday. No big celebration but it seems like I spent much of my time reflecting and thinking. Don't know why but it seems like I have a thing for just sitting with a mug of coffee and pondering. Frustration has been the theme of my life of late. Frustration with myself, frustration at my inability to finish this and move on, to lose the rest of this weight and press on with my life. Frustration at feeling like I am an athlete trapped in a spongy body. I will be honest with you, raw brutally frank honesty. Having done both, I can say that it is easier for me to run a marathon than it is to lose these pesky forty pounds. I am really 70 pounds overweight (still) but I can live with the remaining 30 pounds and take it off whenever.

Wow, seriously??? YES Seriously. It is easier to train, get fit, strong, finish races and even do impressive things than it is to rein in my appetites. Don't let anyone fool you or make it look easy, this is a tough journey.

That was me being brutally honest. Also, more honesty, I'm tired of always feeling held back by my weight, I just want it to be over so I can move on. I'm frustrated... I started when I was 38, I'm 43 and still beating my head against the wall....

Well I WAS feeling that way until I watched this..

youtu.be/DTlvDMBDIxQ

In a few short minutes I had a MAJOR reality check.

Now I feel profoundly thankful to be alive and to even be having this debate inside me. My heart went out to this guy. Basically after weighing 650 lbs and having a dramatic weight loss, this guy slides back into his old ways and regains most of it. He lost the mental battle.
When he cried during the segment, my heart went out to him and I wanted to give him a huge hug and let him know that he is worth the fight, worth the effort. Instant paradigm shift.

I wonder if he had the same mental battles I do, if he felt the same way at times.

Its amazing how I would instantly reach out to someone like that but wont do it for myself..well Robert... Where is MY hug? dude you have come so far, YOU are worth the effort and no matter how frustrated you may feel at this moment, YOU are worth the effort. You are not a joke because you are a flabby athlete. I am living a new life and it takes time to adjust.

My present to myself?

The permission to feel my frustration, get angry, feel like my goal is a million miles away, then after the pity party is all over, box that big sloppy mess up and stow it. I am a human being and am allowed to have my moments and sometimes I don't give myself permission to let them out.

Feel them, even let a few tears come out, embrace it for what it is, then move on.

I have a mountain to climb. I have a job to do.

Then when I am 44, I can look back and rejoice in how I didn't let my emotions get the upper hand and I overcame and made it all the way.

44 here I come.