Tuesday, August 28, 2012
You really never know exactly what a day will bring. Or how you will react to it.
I knew my Mom was dying, and had been preparing myself for that finality for a while. And for the most part, I prepared well. I did much of my crying and real mourning long ago, one a shopping spree day or at a dinner table without Mom, or when I would continue some research in genealogy and come across the records of her life and times.
I've navigated the formalities pretty well. I took my regular Zumba class the evening after Mom passed, and with help from my family and friends, including you Spark Friends, I made the decisions about the viewing and interment and so on, and was able to be calm.
This week, all of that hubbub has past, though. I did not feel at all like Zumba, yesterday. (Fortunately, fate intervened, and the instructor announced that she'd gotten sick and would not be holding class!). I've done maybe one running workout lately, and felt kind of yucky then. I've been reluctant to cook at home (although normally I love to make meals at home). Today, I simply felt exhausted, although I had had a normal night's sleep.
I got a nice solid nap though. I've paid a couple of bills, and started to think about the aftermath, about the reconciliation of Mom's finances and her estate business. I know I need to get back to normal on Spark and I know that working out and eating better makes me feel better, too. It's just a matter now of doing it.
I wouldn't have expected that the relief I felt that Mom is now at peace and that the bad times are over, would have left me feeling quite this kind of melancholy. But that's how life is, I guess. It sneaks up on us and gives us experiences we wouldn't have expected, all while we think that we're sailing along and in control!
Well here I am, I must really be a grown up now. I think a part of us never really believes that our mothers and fathers will one day die. I think that a part of me always held some fantastical dream that I'd wake up and it would be a bad dream, and that Mom would be back in the midst of all the fun and the chaos that is daily life.
Love your Mom, and cherish the time together!