Today, during my belly dance tape, I realized why I'm not comfortable with being perceived as sexy, brace yourself for total childish circular logic, even a Buddhist Monk might have trouble with this one: I would not feel safe physically, I would have to develop a different kind of armor, and somewhere inside, I don't feel like I deserve one. I also think that if I develop that kind of internal strength and fortitude, that I will stop being empathetic and that quality of myself will go away, and the one and only thing that makes me special and worthwhile is my ability to empathize. When you are empathetic, people sometimes perceive that as being sexual, but if you are fat, it happens less often. I just don't want to change. I don't want to change my own personality, how I behave with people. But, as I grow up, take classes in interpersonal communication, I have come to understand that adjusting my behavior to get what I want is neither manipulative, nor evil.
Why? Because, its the end goal that is in question. Adjusting my own behavior is ok. It doesn't make me weak, worthless, or bad for choosing to use my indoor voice inside or using my 'I don't really know you yet' demeanor to set appropriate boundaries. Boundaries are there to protect myself. Its ok to not continue to punish myself anymore. I am allowed to grow up, to learn new self protection techniques, and my ability to empathize doesn't have to go away, I can adjust when I use it. My talent won't disappear, I just get to decide (note that all important word.) when.
I think that I have wanted to be liked so badly that in a desperate attempt to be a friend to everyone, I selected that behavior when maybe it wasn't necessary, or even appropriate. I don't have to become a door mat to be a friend. I thought I had to be everyone's friend all the time. I don't. I can be slender, set my boundaries, and reserve that level of emotional intimacy for the right time. I like being friends with people, but I don't have to let their dislike or like of me drive my behavior all the time. My own needs and safety must and should be met. I am not last. I am not the last person to be considered in the home anymore. No one else thought that, but I made that leap all on my own because I was the youngest.
No more hand me down emotions. No more hand me down, second rate, self protection mechanisms (seriously, if fat was so awesome, fat people wouldn't be considered second class citizens.) No more sublimating my needs to be the 'nice' girl.
I hate that word: nice. How often have I felt so bad because someone said, "I thought you were nice"???? I am nice, I'm not a doormat. I'm assertive. I tell it like it is. I am setting my boundaries.
Rumor has it that MMA is good for this kind of thing. Jiu jitsu? I don't know about that. How about just a nice ball point pen? Those are cheap and work great at immobilizing an attacker. How about a nice sense of confidence and a whole new aura?