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    CURVYKITTEN   4,868
4,000-5,499 SparkPoints

Hi, my name is Taylor & I'm a binge eater.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

"The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem."

For so long, Iíve tried to convince myself that Iím Ďnormalí, that I donít have an Ďeating disorderí, & that I could stop over eating whenever I wanted to. The fact of the matter is, I DO have an eating disorder and I am feeling so far gone at times that the thought of Ďjust stoppingí frustrates the mess out of me. So here it is, I have a problem.

I wish it were as simple as just saying noÖ But, for me, itís so much more than that. The thought of food is constantly on my mind. I wake up, thinking about what Iím going to eat- running to the kitchen to only eat junk food, such as pizza or chips, for breakfast which then only makes me think that Iíve messed up my entire day (the all or nothing mentality). I go to bed, thinking about what Iím going to eat in the morning, even sometimes waking up in the middle of the night to go into the kitchen to eat anything/everything I can get my hands on then going to bed feeling sick to my stomach and missing out on valuable sleep which then causes me to feel sluggish and irritated throughout the entire day. All throughout the day, Iím obsessing over which fast food place I want to go waste money on or how many bags of chips I should grab from the grocery store to inhale within a matter of minutes. My anxiety goes through the roof and at times, I feel completely alone and I think that makes everything worse. I use food as a way to numb myself from the world. I never really feel my feelings, I just eat them.

If Iím feeling angry, for some reason I feel like Iím punishing others by taking it out of myself by stuffing myself so full that I end up forgetting the reason I was mad in the first placeÖ Completely wrong, I know. When Iím feeling upset (sad, frustrated, nervous, etc), I turn to food to fill up that empty feeling. My life has revolved around food for so longÖ Too long, actually.
I always thought that in order to even be considered to have an eating disorder, it meant that you had to be severely underweight and starved yourself. Yes, that is an eating disorderÖ However, itís not the only one. A 500+ pound person can have an eating disorder. Iíve struggled with this my entire life, never really understanding why Iím this way, but over the past couple of years itís really been making more sense to me.

Iím tired of losing the same five pounds, over and over and over again (Iíll stick to a diet plan for about a week and lose five pounds, then reward myself by over eating which only causes me to gain it back. I need to get out of this mindset, I know). Iím tired of letting my eating disorder control me and take away from the things I should be doing. Iím tired of thinking about this constantly. Over the past year, Iíve been getting more and more depressed and have found myself giving up on me completely. Itís a very scary thing and I no longer want to sit back and allow the monster (I call my ED a monster, because in my opinion thatís exactly what it is) suck the life right out of me.

I donít want to binge anymore. I just want to get better. I want to prove to myself that even when the odds are stacked against me, Iím strong enough to get through anything. Deep down inside me, there is a girl who is ready to fight. Iím ready to let her out.

Member Comments About This Blog Post:
BERKCHIK 4/24/2013 1:50PM

    Hi you,

I found your post on LBF team. And then read this post. You are SO not alone. Admitting you are powerless is the first step in OA. It's not a one-time admission, though, it's a daily, and sometimes, hourly, minute-by-minute admission.

I personally finally got desperate enough to give OA a serious try. I started with going to meetings EVERY DAY even though I was still binging and would binge immediately after meetings. But it's only been three weeks and after just one week, my binging began to diminish enough to where I began to feel more in control, and thus able to stop bingeing, at least for today.

I wish you happiness and the root of happiness. OA is one path to getting closer to that root.

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LYNNLIVES 8/28/2012 2:52PM

    Hey chica. First of all, congratulations on deciding to not let your monster rule your life anymore. I also struggle on a daily basis with my ED and get severely depressed when I think of how much time, how many days, have been wasted obsessing about food, bingeing, hating myself. The good news is that you can start moving forward NOW. Even if you still binge but it's not as much as before, it's progress. If you get a good night's sleep that is also progress. Baby steps right? You can do this. emoticon

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YAFENELRA 8/28/2012 12:59PM

    Much of what you describe also describes me. Though I don't go to fast food places. And I have found that since I have a tendency to binge or eat in the middle of the night, I make sure there is no junk food in the house. But you can do it. I know because I have managed to lose 80 pounds and only gained 20 back and have not gained any back and am slowly losing that once again. If I can do it, it is for sure that you can.

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MARILYNS67 8/28/2012 12:58PM

    My heart goes out to you - I know how frustrating being overweight can be - and not being able to get a handle on why I am eating so terrible.

I have joined sparks coach - and I am finding it is helping me - keeping me on track one day at a time. If possible consider using it.

Something that I have found in the 3 weeks of using sparkcoach that has helped in the last 3 weeks is this

a) tracking all my food - including what I am drinking - not being concerned about what I am eating just on tracking it. After the 1st week I was able to relook at one week of food consumed and saw a few things - calories consumed really got me and over the next 3 weeks I was able to get the calories down to within the right range

b) just do 10 minutes of exercise - use that as a base - if you can do more do more but get in 10 minutes anyway

When tracking your food I was given this suggestion and it has really helped. I track my food say for tomorrow tonight before bed - that way I can see how many calories I have and if I need to make a few changes.

But biggest suggestion is to take it one day at a time - do the above with the goal of doing it just one day at a time

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MAGA99 8/28/2012 12:56PM

    they say the first step is admitting

I still will occasionally binge but what is helping me is to have less junk food in my house I strive 2 try 2 b healthy

last time I binged -celery & hummus

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TKRYSTINA 8/28/2012 9:50AM

  I am an emotional eater & I also eat when I get bored. This is the 1st time that I said this to anyone else.

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TDMLUVZSNOOPY 8/28/2012 9:43AM

    I know exactly how you feel. I am a sneak eater, have been my whole life. I go in the kitchen and eat and eat when I think no one will notice. Yes, it is a problem and until you figure out the why and replace those food thoughts with different ones, it is a hard thing to over come. I use a trick from Paul McKenna that I saw on TV several years ago. When I get a craving, I squeeze my thumb and my middle finger together and envision the item I want to eat covered in dirt or something nasty and when I feel grossed out, I squeeze my thumb and middle finger on the opposite hand and think about a place that makes me happy, for me it is the beach and the sound of the ocean. Sounds crazy, but it works for me.

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ORANGE81 8/28/2012 9:39AM

    You are not alone. . You can do this and it will be a struggle but you will learn so much about your self. This site really helps me and I went up to the mall and didn't think of food. Carry good snacks around it's very helpful. Your blog is true for many of us and you are not alone. Keep it up we can do it

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MYBULLDOGS 8/28/2012 9:32AM


my sister walks 15,000 steps a day at 63 years old and has lost 105 pounds.

i gave up grain and sugary products and have lost 44 pounds at age 60.

we are both still loosing weight until we reach our goal


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