Tuesday, August 28, 2012
"The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem."
For so long, Iíve tried to convince myself that Iím Ďnormalí, that I donít have an Ďeating disorderí, & that I could stop over eating whenever I wanted to. The fact of the matter is, I DO have an eating disorder and I am feeling so far gone at times that the thought of Ďjust stoppingí frustrates the mess out of me. So here it is, I have a problem.
I wish it were as simple as just saying noÖ But, for me, itís so much more than that. The thought of food is constantly on my mind. I wake up, thinking about what Iím going to eat- running to the kitchen to only eat junk food, such as pizza or chips, for breakfast which then only makes me think that Iíve messed up my entire day (the all or nothing mentality). I go to bed, thinking about what Iím going to eat in the morning, even sometimes waking up in the middle of the night to go into the kitchen to eat anything/everything I can get my hands on then going to bed feeling sick to my stomach and missing out on valuable sleep which then causes me to feel sluggish and irritated throughout the entire day. All throughout the day, Iím obsessing over which fast food place I want to go waste money on or how many bags of chips I should grab from the grocery store to inhale within a matter of minutes. My anxiety goes through the roof and at times, I feel completely alone and I think that makes everything worse. I use food as a way to numb myself from the world. I never really feel my feelings, I just eat them.
If Iím feeling angry, for some reason I feel like Iím punishing others by taking it out of myself by stuffing myself so full that I end up forgetting the reason I was mad in the first placeÖ Completely wrong, I know. When Iím feeling upset (sad, frustrated, nervous, etc), I turn to food to fill up that empty feeling. My life has revolved around food for so longÖ Too long, actually.
I always thought that in order to even be considered to have an eating disorder, it meant that you had to be severely underweight and starved yourself. Yes, that is an eating disorderÖ However, itís not the only one. A 500+ pound person can have an eating disorder. Iíve struggled with this my entire life, never really understanding why Iím this way, but over the past couple of years itís really been making more sense to me.
Iím tired of losing the same five pounds, over and over and over again (Iíll stick to a diet plan for about a week and lose five pounds, then reward myself by over eating which only causes me to gain it back. I need to get out of this mindset, I know). Iím tired of letting my eating disorder control me and take away from the things I should be doing. Iím tired of thinking about this constantly. Over the past year, Iíve been getting more and more depressed and have found myself giving up on me completely. Itís a very scary thing and I no longer want to sit back and allow the monster (I call my ED a monster, because in my opinion thatís exactly what it is) suck the life right out of me.
I donít want to binge anymore. I just want to get better. I want to prove to myself that even when the odds are stacked against me, Iím strong enough to get through anything. Deep down inside me, there is a girl who is ready to fight. Iím ready to let her out.