Friday, August 24, 2012
I had planned to do a short one today - just telling you I have changed my internet provider and I installed the new equipment yesterday and it is SO much faster! I can do my sparking in half the time!
But yesterday was also the weekly Aca meeting and it gave a lot of thoughts. On my way there I was thinking about my "lean" life and how it is very important to me to find routines and actions that helps me to be the person I want to be. I was hoping for my former dog daycare lady to be there because I realised that she has helped me very much. She has aspberger and adhd and walking alongside with her and learning how she has to organise her life to make it work for her has made it very clear to me that I also have a lot of needs in the aspect of how my days should be planned.
She was not there but I kept thinking as I listened to the shares - and when I listened to a woman I suddenly had this revelation. She shared about painful stuff - how she felt as her now old father neglected her and how she felt when her decision to get a dog for company and motivator to get outside was questioned - and it was all about the inner child suffering. In my life this happens when I get rejected or when I feel as nobody cares about me or when I get critized in a destructive way - the pain is not because of the "real" situation because those are mostly kind of trivial. The pain is because it walks right into my inner childs neglected memories. This means that I - as the grown-up person I am today - should accept the pain, feel it, take necessary action to take care of myself - and let go and move on. Too often I have thought that these things were "real" - something for today - and I have started to act with blamethrowing, defense, aggressivity, withdrawal or whatever. I have also fled into bingeing. I do not mean I should suppress the feelings, I mean that I should recognicse them as equvivalent to scratching an old crust of wound, I was not hurt today it only reminded me of the old traumas. I can acknowledge it, feel it - and let go.
My task today is to focus on my life action today - when to exercise, how to place my shoes, how to declutter my home, how to eat what routines to work with THAT is my daily challenge and should be my top priority.
And I am allowed to interpret reality this way. I do not have to feel guilty or defensive because other people have other processes to work with.
My other notification was that I felt a little ashamed and "wrong" to share about this. I feel as if I am being against other people that focus on emotions and put their mental condition first. My revelation tells me that my focus should be on when I make my bed, how I brush my teeth, how my daily schedule should be to make me as compassionate, efficient and loving as I can be. Doing what I am supposed to do will give me the mental condition I deserve... I donīt know if this is understandable but it sure is a relevation to me!