Friday, August 24, 2012
Okay, I am someone who has had little personal interaction because that is the choice I made. I basically withdrew because of the occasional bad personal experiences. I couldn't take any kind of rejection. But now I am attempting to rectify that by reaching out and connecting. For now, I try to meet people one on one once a week. How is this related to food? When you are alone, you put all your emotional needs in food and this is actually part of my food plan. Mental health is an excellent diet.
Well as part of that, I have been going out with a friend occasionally to a movie and coffee. Afterwards, we talk and I have told her some personal information. For the second time, I have felt slightly nauseous and regretful about teller her anything. Here is the thing. Is that because I want to avoid that emotional connection out of fear or are my instincts trying to tell me something? She is a nice person but I fear she will use the information in future interactions with me in a negative way. One time she analyzed me (did I mention we are counseling students) and said something hurtful though I can't even remember it now.
Duh.. I love when I answer my own questions. If she does say something inappropriately, I can address it. And, I can address my fears with her.
As I think about this, when I told her about taking baby steps, she seemed to judge me for not going to her party next weekend. She really didn't say anything. It was the fact she used the word baby steps. I just got the feeling she didn't think it was enough and I hated that I had told her about it because now she knew why we were meeting and she would tally how much we would meet in the future. I had lost weight, but she couldn't tell and I didn't feel she was supportive. Even though she said good job when I told her the number. See, this is me reading her incorrectly, the same way she analyzed me incorrectly.
I have to let her be and actually wait and see and let her actually DO something that is a problem and address her then. Also, I can use her not noticing to motivate me, not denigrate me. Let's make her notice!!! Then I need remember something I heard in class. I don't have to worry about who I can trust, I just have to trust in myself that whatever happens, I can handle it. I can survive it.