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Happy Thursday! :)

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Hello my sparklies! I hope that you all had a happy hump day yesterday! Mine was ok. Work has returned to its normal pace. My algebra instructor is good, so hopefully I can make my way through this class without too much pain! I have been steadily working on her assignments while dodging Pooh's bad attitude of late! Which brings me to sharing the following:

I guess a consistent mood would be too much to ask for! Not to go on a total rant (just a partial one) consider this my journal or Dear Diary entry, but I too have a lot of stress and yet you don't see me trying to ruin everybody's day! I have to admit that I struggle some days with sympathy for Pooh because of his attitude. And then I feel guilty!

I DO realize that having cancer can alter your whole outlook on life! I DO realize that it is difficult to look at the bright side of anything after you have been given a death sentence! I DO understand the frustration of sitting around all day by yourself with only your own thoughts for company! But I absolutely DO NOT understand how being a total @!$^&! to the people who love you the most is helpful or even necessary. :(

Maybe I am totally in the wrong here and just don't see it. But, I would like to think that if the situation were reversed that I would treasure the people and relationships that I have. That I would thank God for every extra day that he has given to me! That I would make amends for wrongs that I know I have done! That I would try to live every day to its fullest! I know that I would have bad days and be really sad and angry, but I still don't think that (if it were me) I would take it out on my loved ones. ~sigh~ But it is not me.

There have been so many days in the last three years (since Pooh's diagnosis) that I have been ready to throw in the towel, raise the white flag and say I have had enough!! But then I remember how much I love him and how he needs me and that feeling fades away. I worry that one day the feeling will not fade away and then what? Pooh will not get counseling. Pooh will not talk about his feelings. Pooh will not apologize for his behavior. I continue to pray for Pooh. I continue to pray for our marriage.

Anyway, that is where I am at this morning. I hope that all my spark peeps have a happy Thursday! I am off to get ready for work and school! Please pray for Pooh and for his previous good nature to return soon!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Ah my friend, I am sorry you're faced with such difficulties. I wonder if you just printed out what you wrote and showed it to Pooh, if it might make a difference at all. Don't know, just wondering.

    Whatever you choose or do, you know that your sparkies are all here for you!
    2034 days ago
  • LINDAK25
    Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry. I think if I were in Pooh's place I would be a real Queen B! And I would probably take it out on the people I love because they're there and I know they would be more forgiving. is that unforgivable? Okay, maybe I would only do that for the first week or two, in between the crying and feeling terribly sorry for myself. No, the truth is I have no idea what I would do. I guess you don't know until it's you.

    I, like you, would find it a whole lot easier to talk everything out. I do know that would drive my husband crazy. Talking about it would just be a reminder! Is that just a guy thing? Oh, and forget about apologizing!

    Maybe he's just feeling a little left out. Everybody else is off to school and exercise and work and dealing with a new baby and he's not feeling like he's a part of all that. I'll keep you both in my thought and prayers.

    I think WAYSOFGRACE has the best comment here. Try to stay positive.
    2034 days ago
    I am sending love, hugs and prayers for you and your family. Hang in there.

    emoticon Jackie
    2035 days ago
    *hugs* It must be so difficult for you and Pooh. Will pray for you both xx
    2035 days ago
    I would to tell you everything will get better, but of course I can't. No one would blame you for feeling like you just want to give up at times. I don't know how long I could hang in there. I'm sending you all of the strength, willpower, and postivie outlook I can muster. emoticon
    2035 days ago
    I was a teenager when my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. There alot of stages a cancer patient goes through, as I am sure you know. My mom was convinced she was going to die from it, and was severely depressed for a while. Then she got angry...VERY angry. Then it was back to depression for her.

    When she went into remission 4 years later, we talked about that time. She told me very honestly that she was angry that life seemed to be carrying on as if nothing was wrong, when she felt everything had shifted. She was angry with us for being "normal". What she didn't know at the time was that we were working very hard at being "normal", so that she wouldn't become stressed out. We wanted to give her the ability to concentrate on her treatments, the time to rest and the time to pour all her energy into getting well.

    She and I both vividly recalled the day that I couldn't take it anymore, and yelled at her. She was sitting in front of a mirror, crying while holding a clump of hair that had fallen out due to her chemo. I tried comforting her, but she wouldn't listen. I was all of 13 at the time, and I yelled at her. I told her that while she may not think it was fair that she was going through this, I didn't think it was fair that I had worry about her not being there, raising my little brother, schoolwork and how we were going to survive. I told her instead of acting like she was already dead, maybe she should spend the time actually living! It snapped her out of her depression, and put a whole new perspective on things for her.

    She did eventually die from her cancer, but it took 14 years for it to catch up, in which time she saw her two daughters married, her son graduate from high school, and the births of both my daughters. She even began travelling, taking a trip to Disney with my father that we kids gave them for their anniversary.
    2035 days ago
  • BMW9295
    emoticon I wish I had and answer for you. All I can do is pray for you all.... and all I can say is I am hear to listen. emoticon I can't offer more.
    2035 days ago
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