Thursday, August 23, 2012
Hello my sparklies! I hope that you all had a happy hump day yesterday! Mine was ok. Work has returned to its normal pace. My algebra instructor is good, so hopefully I can make my way through this class without too much pain! I have been steadily working on her assignments while dodging Pooh's bad attitude of late! Which brings me to sharing the following:
I guess a consistent mood would be too much to ask for! Not to go on a total rant (just a partial one) consider this my journal or Dear Diary entry, but I too have a lot of stress and yet you don't see me trying to ruin everybody's day! I have to admit that I struggle some days with sympathy for Pooh because of his attitude. And then I feel guilty!
I DO realize that having cancer can alter your whole outlook on life! I DO realize that it is difficult to look at the bright side of anything after you have been given a death sentence! I DO understand the frustration of sitting around all day by yourself with only your own thoughts for company! But I absolutely DO NOT understand how being a total @!$^&! to the people who love you the most is helpful or even necessary. :(
Maybe I am totally in the wrong here and just don't see it. But, I would like to think that if the situation were reversed that I would treasure the people and relationships that I have. That I would thank God for every extra day that he has given to me! That I would make amends for wrongs that I know I have done! That I would try to live every day to its fullest! I know that I would have bad days and be really sad and angry, but I still don't think that (if it were me) I would take it out on my loved ones. ~sigh~ But it is not me.
There have been so many days in the last three years (since Pooh's diagnosis) that I have been ready to throw in the towel, raise the white flag and say I have had enough!! But then I remember how much I love him and how he needs me and that feeling fades away. I worry that one day the feeling will not fade away and then what? Pooh will not get counseling. Pooh will not talk about his feelings. Pooh will not apologize for his behavior. I continue to pray for Pooh. I continue to pray for our marriage.
Anyway, that is where I am at this morning. I hope that all my spark peeps have a happy Thursday! I am off to get ready for work and school! Please pray for Pooh and for his previous good nature to return soon!