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So Incredibly Sad..

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

I finally have to face up to the fact that my bridge partner and friend, Dorothy will never again sit across from me at the bridge table :((( I just learned today they moved her into palliative care at St. Pauls hospital. Apparently, the nursing home was unable to control her pain any longer :((( Her cancer was inoperable :((
This is the third person I have met through bridge that will have died from cancer. Unbelievably, Dorothy's best friend, and also a partner to me, as well as a great inspiration to me, Angela, died from breast cancer about four years ago :(( Angela was amazing. When she was given her diagnosis, the Dr.'s said she would only have three months to live, her cancer was that virulent. Incredibly, she fought tooth and nail, trying every procedure and treatment out there and lived ten years past that prognosis. Daily, she gave me encouragement in dealing with sickness, saying we both got the short end of the stick health wise, but unfortunately, hers was fatal :(( She showed amazing courage and through all her trials had a smile a mile wide and was the most pleasant person around. I still really miss her ray of sunshine she brought to the club. Days before she died, she came to the club, one last time, too weak to stand, pushed in a chair. She wanted to say goodbye to everyone. Just brought tears to my eyes. These three women I have met were clean living Moms and Grandmothers bringing joy to the people around them. It makes me so frustrated that people who take care of themselves and live a virtuous life get struck down while people who abuse their bodies with smoking, drinking and poor eating live to a ripe old age. Its so unfair!!
I sometimes think maybe I would have been better off remaining a recluse. It was a huge stretch for me to go out in public and join this club on my own with no support. Its given me a lot and made me grow as a person, but it is also making me have to deal with people I care for dying :(( I never visited Angela in palliative care, as I really had no idea what to say or do being so socially inept and inexperienced. Really, what do you say to someone who is dying without seeming insensitive or stupid??? I am good at putting my foot in my mouth and saying the wrong thing. But I really want to say goodbye and somehow tell my friend how much I appreciated knowing them and for their friendship. I really need to make the effort to go on my own to see her. As much as I appreciated going with Cathy to visit her, Cathy and another lady there were constant chatterboxes, filling the air with words while poor Dorothy never had a chance to say anything. I am the quiet type and rather let Dorothy say what is ever on her mind and just be supportive by being there. When we went to leave, I held her hand and she gripped mine firmly. I felt she appreciated me coming, but had no time to say anything.
If any of you had to deal a friend dying and what did you do or say when it was near the end, I could use any advice that you can give me.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LINDAKAY228 8/29/2012 1:53PM

    I am so sorry to hear about your friend. I work with elderly and disabled people and there are a few times when one of my patients is on hospice, or a couple of times I've been present when they actually passed away. I think being there for them at any time during that period, even if just for a little bit, is a great gift you can give them, and if you let it, it can also be a great gift to you. I just talk to them about whatever they want to talk about. If they want to talk about their fear or anticipation, or even looking forward to dying, let them. Some people who have strong spiritual beliefs, like my mom did, had suffered a long long time and was looking forward to going to her heavenly reward. If they want to know what's going on in your life, so they feel connected in a way to the outside world, let them and share what's going on. If they want to talk about special memories in their life or whatever else, listen and let them let you know what is on their mind. Share with her how very much she has meant to you and let her have that blessing because those types of things often bring comfort to people near the end to know the impact their life had on others. Let her know and I know she will appreciate it. But you don't have to spend a long time on that. See how she reacts and if she wants to talk about times you had together then follow that. If she is embarrassed and wants to talk about something else (because sometimes people get embarrassed when complimented like that) then do it but even if she wants to change the subject I know that inside of her she will cherish what you said. Don't be afraid of being around someone who is in the last stages of life's journey. What they don't want is to be shut out because people are afraid of this time. Keep your visit as brief or as long as you and her feel comfortable with. Since she is in so much pain she may not feel like talking long. Another time, I was with a woman just 2 days before she passed away, who knew she was dying. I did nothing but sit there with her while she dozed. She was too tired to talk but was glad I did that so she wasn't alone. THe tv was on so I just watched that and let her know that someone else was there until her daughter came in. I could have read a book. Just being there meant something to her although she was one I didn't know well. Or you can just sit and hold your friends hand. I know every time I have been in a situation like this I have walked away feeling like being in the presence of someone whose journey is winding down was a very special gift to me and I grow from it. Those are just some suggestions and I hope they help.

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SUNNYARIZONA 8/28/2012 6:44PM

    Linda, you are a far better person for all those who have been in your life. Life is all about learning, and those wonderful ladies you will never forget because of how they lived, and shared! God bless!

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WATERMELLEN 8/26/2012 8:34PM

    I've been away for a few days and missed this earlier. Linda, I am sure anyone would cherish your friendship. I also have worked in a palliative care ward and agree with all the comments here. It's not WHAT you say so much as your presence which says everything.

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HIKETOHEIGHTS 8/26/2012 1:16PM

    Linda, I have read what our spark friends wrote & they have given you some great tips. I am more like you & would do as you are. I have lost a few aunts to cancer & a few members of my synagogue so cancer is no stranger to me. I keep saying "HEY! WE NEED THAT CURE!!!". Sooner would be better than later.


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QUILTINGB52 8/25/2012 9:00PM

    I too have always had problems with the 'end of life cycle'. It's uncomfortable...yet, if we were in their place....wouldn't we want to be surrounded by those we care about?

Bring a bouquet of yellow & white (silk) daises and put them in a place where she can see them upon waking each day. It will put a smile upon her face, thinking how you took the time to be with her!

A smile, a held hand....they ALL make a huge difference!!!

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MOMMA_BEAR_69 8/25/2012 8:41PM

    I am so sorry for all that is happening. It seems like life spirals out of control when we least expect it to. Copy exactly what you wrote here and put it in a card for her. It will mean a lot to her and you will never regret letting her know how much she means to you. You can do it!!!
Blessings and hugs,
Helen

Comment edited on: 8/25/2012 9:39:39 PM

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MELTEAGUE 8/25/2012 10:20AM

    Send her a lovely card or note! Don't let the opportunity go by to let her know how much she means to you! She will appreciate it! I know it is a scary thing to do, but I did not visit my aunt in hospital in her last months for the same reason, and now she is gone and I forever regret that I did not let her know what an inspiration she was to me.

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HDHAWK 8/25/2012 10:17AM

    I think some people chatter on because they don't know what to say, like you said earlier. Really, there are no words that will change the situation. Tell her exactly what you wrote above, that are happy to know her and what she has done for you. Just remember, you wouldn't have met these wonderful people had you remained a recluse. It's painful, but it's obvious knowing them has made your life better. emoticon

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PICKIE98 8/25/2012 9:36AM

    I worked in oncology for years,, the main thing the patient was unhappy about was people NOT talking TO them,, only talking around them, about sports, flowers,etc..
they want you THERE, period. Look them in the eye, tell them you are there for them, but you are sad. do not know what to say or do,, TELL THEM.
Find out ahead of time what they like,, maybe a CD or a muffin to share with them,,, a picture of you two together for when you leave..
they may just want you to sit there, be there, we are all here to help each other,, think about what you would want if you were lying there...

if they like and you are comfortable, pray with them or on them, touch her, smile,, BRING A DECK OF CARDS.. whatever.. think like you are her..

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TEENY_BIKINI 8/25/2012 9:18AM

    I am so sorry to hear about your friend.

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1BEACHWALKER 8/25/2012 12:43AM

    So sorry to hear about this! So sad to lose good friends! I totally agree, how can people like that die-get cancer and others who abuse their bodies don't? Go figure!
I hate getting emotional in front of people, especially in situations like that-so I know where you are coming from. When you first get there, just talk about what you have been doing at the club, etc. Maybe just say you are sorry this has happened to her and you will miss her-don't make it sound final and say see you next time. Say that just before you leave, so in case it gets to you, you can escape pretty quickly. That is what I would do. I am not a good one either about saying things or put my foot in it, so don't feel bad. Take care. emoticon

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LEXIE63 8/24/2012 7:54AM

    Hard as it is for you, and worried as you are about putting your foot in your mouth, the simple fact of you being there will mean the world to your friend.
So go, hold her hand, and the rest will come.
Take care,
Hugs,
Lex xxx

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BERRY4 8/24/2012 2:50AM

    I'm sorry for this difficult time for you as you process yet another loss.

I have wondered recently about the quote: "It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all."
-- Loss changes us. It would be easy to let it get us down as we realize the people that are no longer a part of our daily experiences. We really miss them.
-- But I think it is in the knowing of others, that our lives are enriched, added to, and made better. (You mention some of that in your writing.)

I guess you could continue moving forward with the idea of being that kind of person to someone else. In other words, it is what we do with our lives between birth and death that is remembered by those who live after us.

I know that doesn't make this time any easier. And I'm sorry you are having to walk this path.
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MUSHCAT 8/24/2012 1:01AM

    Dear Linda,
You probably have no idea how much your prescence in the lives of these women effected them. I know you are really puting yourself out beyond your comfort level. However, I am sure you get as much as you give, and that's a wonderful thing. You are a wonderful person. I know it saddens you to lose your friends, but it is all a part of life.
(((((hugs and love)))))
Judi

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GETFIT2LIVE 8/23/2012 5:30PM

    It is so very difficult to see someone you care about go through all that is involved with cancer; we don't know what to say or do to help them, especially when their time is short. The best thing you can do, is to go and simply be with your friend. It's not the words that matter, it's your presence more than anything else.

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LUVSBULLDOGS 8/23/2012 2:54PM

    My nursing experience tells me your friend would be glad to see you. You won't say the wrong thing and your visit will help her time pass more quickly. Visitors will be restricted when necessary.

All of us are uncomfortable with death, but I'm sure your friend has enriched your life. It's worth it, Linda.

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SMOCKON 8/23/2012 11:03AM

    I'm not sure you can say the wrong thing. I mean, she knows she's dying--it isn't a secret. The people I've been with mostly welcome the chance to talk. Sometimes they just like having someone sit with them, no talking necessary. I'm sure you will know the right thing to say and do when you get there.

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LYNDALOVES2HIKE 8/23/2012 10:55AM

    I'm so sorry about your friend's cancer and the pain it's causing you as well. I have been with a lot of people who were close to death and I don't think you have to worry about what to say. However, since you asked what I do and say, here it is - I ask if there's anything I can do for them - what would they like most right now - that sort of thing. I've also found that a lot of people are comforted by talking about their memories. I'm not uncomfortable with death so I talk with them about what they think life will be like after they cross over to the other side. So many people avoid all of that talk, it's often the greatest comfort in the world to let them express their hopes and fears about that transition!

A lot of people are uncomfortable being around dying people, I think maybe because they are uncomfortable about their own mortality and don't want to be reminded that part of life is the process we call death. I have a little different perspective because I don't believe 'death' is the end of our existence. It's obviously a huge change but I think we have an everlasting soul that exists outside our bodies - while that may sound highly religious, it's actually more 'scientific' in origin than anything else. I've come to this perspective by realizing that nothing ever 'vanishes' - things change into another form but the basic elements never disappear and everything is part of cycles AND part of everything else. I think we can see this in nature very easily - look at the plant that sprouts from a seed, flowers, wilts and 'dies' - the leaves and petals become part of the soil - the flower creates fruit or seeds that fall into the soil and water, germinate and reappear as the next generation of flower, using the same nutrients, minerals and matter that were part of the first plant. Sometimes the plant is used to nourish us - and we in turn will eventually return the 'matter' to the earth in one form or another. We think the plant is 'dead and gone' but it actually is still there - it just takes a different form. This is true of everything in nature - including us!

Our unique personalities will continue to live in the memories of others and in the influence or 'legacy' they carry on. YOU will keep Dorothy with you forever so cherish that thought and whenever you feel sad about things, remember she is STILL HERE WITH YOU and always will be, as you will remain with others long after your body has changed form. Nothing - NOTHING - ever completely vanishes - and nothing ever stays the same. I don't think of it as 'unfair' - it's the cycle of life and I think our job is to enjoy as much of it as we have, honor others around us and create the best legacy and memory possible to keep our "self" going in perpetuity.
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SLIMMERJESSE 8/23/2012 10:28AM

    So sorry for your losses. I understand completely as I've lost 12 friends and family members in the last four years, with a mother currently dying. Most had some form of cancer. Very sad, indeed. But I agree with SDJohn, we are so lucky to have had such wonderful people in our lives.

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CELIAMINER 8/23/2012 10:25AM

    So sorry, Linda! Your words are a beautiful tribute to Dorothy.
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POSITIVELY_EB 8/23/2012 9:24AM

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KALIGIRL 8/23/2012 7:31AM

    "I really want to say goodbye and somehow tell my friend how much I appreciated knowing them and for their friendship" - sounds to me like you know just what to say...
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ANGRITTER 8/23/2012 6:13AM

    Yet more trials and tribulations for you dear. I hate that you have to see your friends passing, but we know that people fight so hard and are so enhausted. All you can do is be there. Be chatty Kathy if that is what they are looking for, or just be still and hold their hand. What ever it is that they need from you, you will know. Somehow you will just know when you are there.

I alsways heat people say "I don't want to remember her like that" and I have used this excuse as well, but the truth is we don't like to face immortality and that cruelty ravishing our dear one's bodies. But you don't go see them for you, you go visit for THEM.

So just be there and be you normally chipper self. That's what they want to see and remember. I can hardly type you've got me crying so hard. (My aunt is still fighting hard again ovarian cancer, so this really hits home).



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MELODY1966 8/23/2012 5:52AM

    so sorry to hear your news emoticon

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JENN03275 8/23/2012 5:39AM

    As what others have said, there is no right or wrong thing to say. You really don't need to say anything at all. Just being there, holding her hand may be all she needs. So sorry for the losses of such wonderful women in your life. It's hard to grasp why we are drawn to certain people whom will be taken from us quicker than we want. Sending hugs and support your way.

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BESEVEN 8/23/2012 3:29AM

    emoticon Cancer is the cruelest thing in the world. I am so sorry.

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RUNNER12COM 8/23/2012 1:41AM

    I'm so, so sorry to read that your friend is going through this. How fortunate you are, though, to know and have known such special people.

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LINDA! 8/23/2012 12:15AM

    I am so sorry! emoticon

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LJCANNON 8/23/2012 12:14AM

    emoticon I am so sorry that you are going thru this Linda!! There are NO "Right" or "Wrong" words that you can say. Just your walking thru the door and holding her hand will be enough. If she knows you as well as I think she does, she will recognize and appreciate the Courage it takes for you to walk in there!
emoticon I have worked in Nursing Homes and in Home Health most of my Life. Believe me, no Patient has ever told me what their Visitors SAID, they just told me "Susie came to see me" or "Johnny was here today". Even my own Grandmother told me that My Mother had come to see her -- When I was always the one who brought Mom up to the Nursing Home, LOL!!
emoticon I know you remember my Friend Claudine. She ALWAYS told me who came to see her, and she could NEVER remember what they said or how long they stayed. BUT she DID remember if you hadn't been to see her in a long time.
emoticon Dorothy - And YOU!! - will be in my Prayers!!

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JUNEAU2010 8/22/2012 11:48PM

    Linda, I am so sorry! I last visited my former vp and friend the morning of the day he died. He was not 100% there, but he seemed to know me. Because he was not talking, I took the opportunity to tell him how much he meant to me, how grateful my family is to him and how much I appreciated his service to our country.

When I saw my dad for the last day of his life, he had moments of lucidity and times when we was not. When he was talking, I listened and just let him know I love him. He asked me to watch out for his wife and when I promised I would, he was less frantic. When he said he was ready to go (making the gestures as if he were driving), we all said we were ready. I told him I did not want him to go, but I did not want him to exist because being stuck in a bed is not living, but I would not hold him back. He breathed calmly after that as if it were something he worried about.

It is perfectly ok to say you don't know what to say. It is perfectly ok to ask if you can pass on a word from your friend to someone else who may not be able to be there in person. It is perfectly ok to just touch her and say nothing. Touch from a friend can say so much, can help your friend feel less alone as she goes through this part of the journey that no one can completely share. It is not about you. It is not about what you say. it is about her and your relationship with her. The fact that you care enough to come at the end, to listen, to touch, to share says more to her (and to her family if she has one) than anything you might be afraid you might say "wrong".

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As much courage as it took for you to join the club, to reach out and to make friends, walking through the door to see her one last time will take more. But you can do it. As I say about my dad - holding his hand as he died was the worst experience of my life, but there was nowhere else I wanted to be. I almost did not go see John - I was afraid that seeing him near death would send me back into the blackness after Dad's death. But I am so glad I went. I would have regretted not being able to share my heart with him if I had not gone.

It is final. It is one last chance. And it is ok to cry,
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