Wednesday, August 22, 2012
I had a terrible work out the other day. I know why, but that's beside the point.
I was so excited... I had been slacking over the weekend spending time with a lovely gal, eating out probably less then healthy foods, and lounging around without my usual extra hour or two of exercise I put in on my days off.
My diet those few days, which I'm pretty sure included pizza, greasy chineese, & boxed Mac n Cheese, certainly didn't help. I felt soooo bogged down. But what really was a downer was trying to exercise on 4 hours of sleep :( I only got half way through my routine... then gave up. That's reasonable, I ate crap, slept for crap, and therefore my workout was crap. It makes sense... but that's not what I'm reflecting upon, that isn't what upsets me.
I'm my own worst critique. Very rarely in life is there something that I set out to do that I fail at, when I set my mind to something I give it my all and accomplish it. But maybe aspiring to have that beach body is ignorant and impractical. I know I'm at a healthy weight. I typically feel better, sleep better, etc. Maybe wanting more is just greedy and something that is simply out of my reach.
So maybe working out is like a relationship. Every now and again you have an awesome one, it makes you feel incredible. But then you have those crummy ones that make you want to just give up. I know I've made improvements. I know I've lost fat and gained muscle. I know I can run now a lot further, faster, and harder than I could a year ago. I know I'm probably in better shape then I've been... but it all seems so minuet. How many hours of how many days have I spent to achieve so little? How much have I spent changing my diet? How much have I spent on new shoes, weights, athletic gear.
Yes, it's my health, there shouldn't be a pricetag to it... but I was at a healthy weight before becoming obsessed with my image, obsessed with how many calories I eat or how much protein I take in. And I hate it. I hate that I put so much in and see such little in return. I feel like no matter how much I revamp my life it's all in vain.
It's particularly frustrating knowing that how hard I've worked to produce such little results when there are other people that just have this come natural. I shouldn't be jealous, but I am. Honestly. I guess my expectations are just too high, chasing pipe dreams. I don't know what I expect to come of this. I know its just a rut, just a phase I'm stuck in. I don't expect to give up... though recently my designated work-out time has been invaded by other (healthy) hobbies of socializing and such, which is good; I need the downtime and relaxation once in a while, I just have a hard time striking that balance.
Meh whatever, my brains run out of steam to complain -- and complaining never gets anything accomplished anyway. I'll chop this blog up to having a bad day. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I'm a grump. A crab. So sue me. Tomorrow is another day! Wish me luck.