Wednesday, August 22, 2012
So after I purged some kitchen stuff, I decided to move on to my closet since I still had all this energy to burn. I also have a fair amount of new shoes, new belts, new shirts etc that I needed to find a space for.
So as I am removing things to rearrange, I am noticing all this old lady, FAT old lady type stuff. Old lady shoes, old lady shirts... who was this fat old lady that had taken over my closet?!! I sort of remember her, she is still inside me partly, because I am not to my goal yet and sometimes I can't believe how far I have come, nor can I believe where I started from, so she is still here just suppressed most days.
There was one HIPPO size black outfit, used for funerals & weddings - any kind of outting really. Yes that is right, one multi-purpose outfit, but it fit. Normally if I didnt really have to go, I just didnt go. There was one nice outfit for the "Mother of the Groom" and I remember putting off going to the store to buy it. I mean REALLY putting off going. I was still shopping in the afternoon for an evening wedding, that had been about 1.5 years in the planning. God was good to me that day, the perfect color in the right size was there waiting for me.
And these shoes!! I don't know what I was thinking. Well yes I do know. I was thinking, comfort to carry my fat @$$ all day. I was thinking, get in and get out of the store, these are good enough. *Shiver* They are pretty hideous.
I also remember my state of mind. I really had settled into just. being. fat. I had also settled into being old. I figured I was in the last stages of my life. And keep in mind, I was early 40's. But I felt early 90's.
I have a decent size closet but not alot of clothes. We had a total loss house fire about 4 years ago, so I had to start from scratch. I took the smaller closet in the new house, because by the time the house was finished, over a year later, I had gained about 60-70 pounds and really didnt have much in the way of clothes. I completely hated shopping by this time. And DH has a number of clothes. He is in management so he has his work clothes, he has his horsing around clothes, etc so I gave him the larger closet. I had the large dresser, which was good enough for a few big baggy sweats and big baggy shirts.
Ok so I need to take some of this stuff out of my closet, other things that accumulated because, well, there was plenty of room in my closet for things like door wreaths since there wasn't just a whole lot of clothes. And so I take it down to the Safe Room to store it. This is a concrete room built under our garage. I had our Amish guy build some shelves and he proceeded to tide up the safe room and put stuff away. I found some room for my boxes on a shelf, but then noticed other boxes and bags of clothing. To my amazement, I found boxes of new shoes, I found bags of pretty new looking clothing, some still had tags. I realized that the old lady biatch must have packed up and moved this other chick out of her closet! And this other chick, though a little smaller than me, had some fairly decent taste in clothing!
Some things I remember buying, some I dont so they might have been given to me after the fire. I remember buying stuff that I THOUGHT would fit, only to realize to my HORROR that they did not. So when we moved into the new house, I must have just kept it all packed away and it just got shoveled on into the safe room.
There are shoes, jeans, shirts, shorts ... I havent tried it all on yet, but some I can wear now, and some should be the next stop on this journey.
So I really am glad to move this little cranky bitchy fat old lady out - out of my closet, out of my house, out of my life. I do feel sorry for her though. I know how sad and depressed she was, how much she hurt inside & how hopeless she felt. And though I am a nurturer by nature - I just like to take care of everybody - I just can't allow her to have any room in my life anymore.
I just took a deep breath, let out a deep sigh.... I have let go of her, I have said my good-byes, and I am ready to keep moving forward in a positive direction.