Tuesday, August 21, 2012
So it's been about eight months since I've logged on to Sparkpeople. This whole "weight loss" obsession was put on hold in a big way. I've had some major changes in my life, and I am much better today for it. I realize today that what's going on in your life has a direct impact on your weight and the way you feel about yourself. The people you surround yourself can bring you down and make you become someone you're not.
In January I stopped sleeping with my boyfriend. It took me until May to break it off with him. I moved out, I felt free, I felt happy, I felt like I had self worth. I moved in with a friend for a month and realized all of the support I had around me from all of my friends. I wondered why I never thought to lean on them before. I realized I was surrounded by people who knew what I was worth, who saw my potential, something I had lost over the past year. I became my own person, smiling, happy, enjoying the little things again. My friends weren't the only ones who saw my potential. My employer offered me the chance to expand my knowledge and grow as a person. They offered me a transfer to a knew city, a place I'd never been before. I was hesitant, but I accepted.
Here I am, in a new city, happier than ever before. I felt like I left "his city" and now I have the opportunity to take over the world. I have my own place, a sanctuary, where I can be myself and enjoy the quiet. I got a dog, my own dog, a companion who makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I feel rejuvinated. Immediately when I moved here I started running again, something I had lost over the past few months, and I feel so good. I lost 10 lbs last month without even trying, without the obsession over the scale. I didn't weigh myself all month for fear that the scale would lash out at me. I just ate what I wanted, when I felt hungry, and stopped when I felt full. I walked, I explored, I enjoyed the outdoors. I found that I craved healthy, wholesome foods and loved sitting in the quiet of the morning with a beautiful breakfast in front of me. I enjoy sitting down to a salad for dinner and not feeling bloated afterwards. I have found that I appreciate the beauty in my food, I want to fuel my body with food that will nourish me. I crave my morning run with my dog and I feel incomplete without it. I enjoy these small things that before seemed like such a chore.
I still eat junk food. I had a chicken burger from McDonalds at midnight last night, don't get me wrong here. But I feel like the fight with food has disappeared. The binging, the overeating, the bloat, it's gone. Maybe it was actually just all of the sadness and lonliness that caused me to fill my body with garbage. Maybe it was the lack of self worth. Maybe it was because I wanted to have something in common with him, the poor eating was a bonding thing. Who knows. I feel like that is gone now and my relationship with food has changed drastically. This obsession with wanting to lose weight is gone. I am who I am, take it or leave it. This obsession with wanting to change my body to impress someone else, to change who I am, that's gone too. I feel so free. I don't hate what I see in the mirror anymore, and that's an amazing feeling. I do have some weight to lose, of course, but who doesn't? It's not something that I am obsessing over and beating myself up over when I don't achieve it. It feels good!