August 21, 2012
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Way, Way to long since I updated my blog, but I feel I need to. I am struggling once again and I fear I will get out of control again. I hate myself when I do this. I have so many questions to ask myself and I am not sure of the answers. The first one would be, do I really want this. I know I do but what scares me is knowing how frustrated I get when I do everything I can think of right and I don't make progress. Earlier in the year I hit a 4 week spot where I didn't budge a pound when I did everything I knew to do. To this day I ask myself was I really being honest, was I cheating somewhere and I didn't want to admit it. I do not think so. If working as hard as I was working brought me no progress, I am afraid to try again. It isn't like I am not trying at all now, but I don't have the intensity I had at that time and it took a lot of time and sacrifice. I am willing to do those things again if I can actually have progress. I get going for a few days and the unbelief and fear grip me and I keep myself from getting into the intensity again so I don't have to feel the frustration. I like the food, I don't mind exercising, I enjoy creating and trying new recipes. I have the knowledge and the support team through Kimmies. I acknowledge, I get jealous over people who can just walk 30 minutes a day or 4 times a week and cut back calories to 1400 a day and they make steady progress to their goal. I am 50 plus pounds from my goal and it doesn't happen for me. I keep trying to find out what is wrong with me. I suppose it is my age and my gastric bypass surgery. I feel like I would still be fat if I lived in a concentration camp. Every body would be emaciated and I would still be fat. This is why I am having a hard time believing and a hard time getting excited about dieting properly. It is a constant mental issue with me. It is either obsessive compulsive dieting or being on program or OC off program. I can't seem to just settle down and be moderate. I have tried to apply the spiritual discipline and I fail so bad I feel awful. I want to bring God glory in this, with his help in over coming, but at least at the moment it isn't there. I want to call Kim and I will soon, but what more could anyone say to me that hasn't been said already. Yesterday's program was so me, I do well until 4 in the afternoon and then I slide a bit and then I think of how little sliding I can do and not pay the price. I have to walk a tight rope and I keep falling off. I think it might just come to show my life is not and never has been disciplined like it should be. I am a spoiled child who wants my own way at the moment and am not willing to let go of the momentary pleasure for the long term gain. This is all a pretty ugly picture but I had to write this and say it if I have any hope of moving on. I would love to be able to be in a biggest looser environment. I could stay focused and someone would be there to challenge and push me till I got the job done. Well it is time I get back to bed or I am not going to have the stamina for what the day holds.