25,000-29,999 SparkPoints 28,709

August 21, 2012

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Way, Way to long since I updated my blog, but I feel I need to. I am struggling once again and I fear I will get out of control again. I hate myself when I do this. I have so many questions to ask myself and I am not sure of the answers. The first one would be, do I really want this. I know I do but what scares me is knowing how frustrated I get when I do everything I can think of right and I don't make progress. Earlier in the year I hit a 4 week spot where I didn't budge a pound when I did everything I knew to do. To this day I ask myself was I really being honest, was I cheating somewhere and I didn't want to admit it. I do not think so. If working as hard as I was working brought me no progress, I am afraid to try again. It isn't like I am not trying at all now, but I don't have the intensity I had at that time and it took a lot of time and sacrifice. I am willing to do those things again if I can actually have progress. I get going for a few days and the unbelief and fear grip me and I keep myself from getting into the intensity again so I don't have to feel the frustration. I like the food, I don't mind exercising, I enjoy creating and trying new recipes. I have the knowledge and the support team through Kimmies. I acknowledge, I get jealous over people who can just walk 30 minutes a day or 4 times a week and cut back calories to 1400 a day and they make steady progress to their goal. I am 50 plus pounds from my goal and it doesn't happen for me. I keep trying to find out what is wrong with me. I suppose it is my age and my gastric bypass surgery. I feel like I would still be fat if I lived in a concentration camp. Every body would be emaciated and I would still be fat. This is why I am having a hard time believing and a hard time getting excited about dieting properly. It is a constant mental issue with me. It is either obsessive compulsive dieting or being on program or OC off program. I can't seem to just settle down and be moderate. I have tried to apply the spiritual discipline and I fail so bad I feel awful. I want to bring God glory in this, with his help in over coming, but at least at the moment it isn't there. I want to call Kim and I will soon, but what more could anyone say to me that hasn't been said already. Yesterday's program was so me, I do well until 4 in the afternoon and then I slide a bit and then I think of how little sliding I can do and not pay the price. I have to walk a tight rope and I keep falling off. I think it might just come to show my life is not and never has been disciplined like it should be. I am a spoiled child who wants my own way at the moment and am not willing to let go of the momentary pleasure for the long term gain. This is all a pretty ugly picture but I had to write this and say it if I have any hope of moving on. I would love to be able to be in a biggest looser environment. I could stay focused and someone would be there to challenge and push me till I got the job done. Well it is time I get back to bed or I am not going to have the stamina for what the day holds.
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • TIFFB340
    I am feeling the same way the last few days Jean. I am so proud of Sam but at the same time, I am so jealous to how easy it seems for him. I know he works hard at it and is very dedicated, but it feels like I am just as dedicated and nothing happens. I have just been very unmotivated and feeling like I want to just quit and not have to constantly think about what I am eating and if I am putting forth the effort that I should at the gym.
    On the flip side, you should be VERY proud of yourself. Maybe instead of looking at how much you haven't lost lately, look at how much you have lost since you started. You have done SO great and have so much to be proud of. Like Sam always says, and you told me once too-this is a lifestyle change. I know you would like to lose more weight, but you know what? Your grandkids are going to love you to the moon and back even if you never lose another pound in your entire life. I am still going to be so thankful that God blessed me with the most wonderful mother in law in the world. And Sam...well, Sam doesn't have emotions I don't think, so I will just be thankful for him too. :) Your weight doesn't determine your worth. Keep on with your healthy lifestyle and realize that so many people love you just the way you are. Have faith and be proud! Love you!
    2037 days ago
    emoticon for sharing... emoticon .... emoticon I have lots of pounds to lose as's not easy...but being overweight isn't easy either...I guess I would rather not have the goodies today to have a better, healthier body tomorrow...good luck on your journey...don't give you... emoticon
    2037 days ago
    What an honesst blog - thank you for sharing. You seem to know all the basics well and your weight loss so far shows you can persevere. Good for you. You are doing something right! And reaching out to SP is yet another great step. Never quit trying. One day it will happen. You will suddenly lose a pound or have a breakthrough elsewhere. Keep pushing. Keep plugging in here to SP. I have found so much inspiration, encougagment and education here. Even if you do nothing but read it - it sinks in! We are pulling for you because we are all in this together. At 57 my body does not respond quickly either but giving up is never an option. You are loved and so special in God's eyes...just as you are. I will shoot up a prayer for you to feel His love today - no matter what the scale says! Hang in there sister!
    2037 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.

More Blogs by JEANBIA