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trying to keep on keeping on

Monday, August 20, 2012

My darn ankle - I cannot live on muscle relaxers! I refuse to live on pain meds! YES, I CHOOSE pain... but I do not choose this! My ankle was reconstructed on January 2, 2001. When I say reconstructed - I cannot tell you exactly what that means other than this: I had a bone and tendon detached for 3 years - it took 6 doctors before I found the ONE who knew what was wrong and how to fix it! One or two drs said it was all in my head... OK - but the darn thing goes out of place.... umm one part of my ankle slides to the other side and i cant walk or stand..

I hobbled around my world - working for my family... volunteering at the schools, Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, fund-raisers, open houses... you get the picture - I worked for my kids. Full time - and once in a while I worked part time outside of the home. I even helped do things for my parents once or twice a week.

My ankle was fixed... but would never be the same - after three years of hobbling around and a bone and tendon detachment - sure they could and did put it back together again... but the bone and tissues "are dead". I spent six months learning how to walk again.. JOY JOY JOY... but I felt so blessed that my ankle was fixed. I could walk. I could not run or skip, jump or dance. I could no longer go bare footed, or walk in the sand. I COULD WALK. I counted my blessings that I still had my foot.. my ankle... I could walk.

I fight with every fiber of my being - to not be disabled or handicapped. I refused to apply for disability when I was diagnosed. I wanted to go to school and get an education. I wanted to be out in the world living - not dying in my house... because I was handicapped. Fast forward ten years - after trying to work full time and finishing school.. having such a hard time working - because I am in too much pain, discomfort and cannot work full time. Disability: denied. Why? I do not have enough credits. but - I am told if I had applied when I was first diagnosed I would gotten it - because I had kids at home... Stupid to me! I had to try!

Today - I am applying to finish my degree, so I can sit on my butt and work - will I ever work full-time? I do not know.

My ankle? The things that are going on with my ankle today - is almost worst than when I first injured it. Why? I never had the cramping that is happening. I have had a lot of pain in the last 14 years - but never like this.

Praying for God's grace - I do not want or need another surgery! Nine was enough! Learning to walk again - OH GOD give me Peace.
Exercise right now is NO - I tried to do strength - it makes the cramp worse. I tried to walk - forget about it! Getting in the pool? I cannot do the steps... grrrrr!

I am trying to keep on keeping on!
I see the ortho guy Thursday - I am asking for message therapy.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You are a brave heart. You are really facing your challenges. God bless you in your efforts.
    1898 days ago
    I'm adding my prayers. I hope you find helpful answers from the doctor(s). Hang in there.
    1914 days ago
    Jen, i am so sorry for all you are going through. We dont realize how important our feet are until we have a problem.
    I hurt my knee again and had to get the brace out, and now my heel on the same side has been hurting so bad, i can hardly put weight on it. So we are a pair arent we. i hope they can do some thing for you.When you have CKD there is not much you can take for pain. Rest as much as you can. emoticon emoticon
    1914 days ago
  • DEE107
    praying for you and hope you rest that ankle too hugs
    1914 days ago
  • HHOLT6
    emoticon thank you for sharing with us your journey! A lot is going on in your life right now. Good luck with your dr.(s)
    1915 days ago
  • STRINGI719
    I pray for God's grace and strength to get you through this. Perhaps in His wisdom He can guide you to the right medical care and nutrition to help alleviate some of the pain and cramping.

    1915 days ago
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