trying to keep on keeping on
Monday, August 20, 2012
My darn ankle - I cannot live on muscle relaxers! I refuse to live on pain meds! YES, I CHOOSE pain... but I do not choose this! My ankle was reconstructed on January 2, 2001. When I say reconstructed - I cannot tell you exactly what that means other than this: I had a bone and tendon detached for 3 years - it took 6 doctors before I found the ONE who knew what was wrong and how to fix it! One or two drs said it was all in my head... OK - but the darn thing goes out of place.... umm one part of my ankle slides to the other side and i cant walk or stand..
I hobbled around my world - working for my family... volunteering at the schools, Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, fund-raisers, open houses... you get the picture - I worked for my kids. Full time - and once in a while I worked part time outside of the home. I even helped do things for my parents once or twice a week.
My ankle was fixed... but would never be the same - after three years of hobbling around and a bone and tendon detachment - sure they could and did put it back together again... but the bone and tissues "are dead". I spent six months learning how to walk again.. JOY JOY JOY... but I felt so blessed that my ankle was fixed. I could walk. I could not run or skip, jump or dance. I could no longer go bare footed, or walk in the sand. I COULD WALK. I counted my blessings that I still had my foot.. my ankle... I could walk.
I fight with every fiber of my being - to not be disabled or handicapped. I refused to apply for disability when I was diagnosed. I wanted to go to school and get an education. I wanted to be out in the world living - not dying in my house... because I was handicapped. Fast forward ten years - after trying to work full time and finishing school.. having such a hard time working - because I am in too much pain, discomfort and cannot work full time. Disability: denied. Why? I do not have enough credits. but - I am told if I had applied when I was first diagnosed I would gotten it - because I had kids at home... Stupid to me! I had to try!
Today - I am applying to finish my degree, so I can sit on my butt and work - will I ever work full-time? I do not know.
My ankle? The things that are going on with my ankle today - is almost worst than when I first injured it. Why? I never had the cramping that is happening. I have had a lot of pain in the last 14 years - but never like this.
Praying for God's grace - I do not want or need another surgery! Nine was enough! Learning to walk again - OH GOD give me Peace.
Exercise right now is NO - I tried to do strength - it makes the cramp worse. I tried to walk - forget about it! Getting in the pool? I cannot do the steps... grrrrr!
I am trying to keep on keeping on!
I see the ortho guy Thursday - I am asking for message therapy.