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    CALIPIDGIOUS   26,585
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Rough Weekend

Monday, August 20, 2012

Hi all,

Have you ever had the bad fortune to have all of your 'couple' friends falling apart at the same time? Marital problems for all of them. The only ones not struggling right now are Dave and I.

These are people who we have spent countless hours and days with camping, laughing, grilling, and just being with. They are honorary aunts and uncles to our kids. I care more about what happens with them than with many members of my own family so it's been difficult to try to be supportive and optimistic while watching them all unravel.

We spent a great evening Friday night with 1/2 of each of the 3 couples, the other halves either being at home or at work. Lots of laughs, good times. Sat morning, I head out to grab breakfast with 1 of the couples and the wife from another one. I mentioned that the husband from the 3rd couple had stayed the night before until almost midnight and suddenly things got weird. I couldn't figure out what I had said or done but the vibe was there.

We all ended up back at our house and when the wife of the couple that was there left to drive the other wife that had come to breakfast home, the husband of the couple confessed to Dave and I that his wife had been having an affair with the husband of the couple that was not there that day. The one I had mentioned at breakfast. There is huge back story and history between all of these people as they were a group of friends that I 'inherited' when Dave and I met.

Never in all of my life could I have even imagined that I would be standing in my home, watching one of my closest friends fall to pieces and cry because his wife, one of my closest friends, had been having an affair with another of our closest friends, who is also married. He pulled himself together before she got back and Dave and I simply pretended we knew nothing because, what do you do in that situation and we were both rather stunned.

Dave and I have spent the rest of the weekend swinging between sadness because our circle of friends will NEVER be the same again to disappointment because, what were they "thinking" to disgust and anger.

I am left with the knowledge that one of my closest friends who I thought had been open with me had omitted this entirely from all of our conversations. While I have been vocal in my derision for people who commit adultery, I was a wife who was cheated on, I can imagine she felt I might judge her but it hurts me that she didn't trust my friendship after years and years of closeness.

I can't pretend I don't know, it simply feels dishonest but I don't know how to let her know that I know. At the same time, I am a bit apprehensive that my daughter will find out because she doesn't forgive easily. She has a soft spot for her 'uncle'-he even took her for her driver's ed test so she could get her license and then turned her loose with his car immediately afterwards so she could have fun. When she was being threatened at the school bus stop before we moved out of the city, he was the one sitting in his car at 7am watching her at the bus stop to be sure no one was hassling her for weeks. She will never forgive his wife which will make get-togethers that much more awkward. And how do you explain to your kids, even the almost grown ones, this kind of debauchery?

I am heartsick today, very little sleep last night again. My dear friend's face as he cried and cried (he is a very macho guy-I didn't ever think I would see him cry) keeps running through my head. How do I be there for all of my friends? Such a mess.

Member Comments About This Blog Post:
ILIKETOZUMBA 8/21/2012 2:42PM

    Wow. That is a rough spot to be in. I can't even imagine. What a sad situation. I'm so sorry you're finding yourself in this position, and I'm so sorry your friends are involved in such a painful ordeal. Best wishes to all of you.

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CLPURNELL 8/20/2012 6:01PM

    I am so sorry. I really don't know what to say.


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LILYPAD12311 8/20/2012 2:49PM

    Feel so bad for you ....... your world was turned upside advice would be to agree with VLKSHA and the other people who responded,,,,,, talk it over with your husband but not with the group...... because as Mamadwarf stated,,, sometimes they all become friends again .... so being someone who was betrayed by her husband of 23 years...... I totally empathize with the difficult position you are in.... and you have a right to be upset,,,,,but remember,,, this too shall pass..... and those that truly love you will continue to be there,,,,,,,,,, Hugs emoticon

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VLKSHA 8/20/2012 1:51PM

    I like the advice offered thus far, but would add that you and your husband can discuss the details and feelings you are sharing without sharing them with the group. Stay true to your values. Know the value of what you have.

It is unfortunate how many people seem to sabotage there own happiness for a sense of thrill, newness, stress, or chaos. Wonder what the cheating party is really missing or looking for?


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NICOLED40 8/20/2012 12:21PM

    Good gracious...that's horrible. I'm so sorry you have all this on your plate now. I have no words of advice or tid-bits of wisdom to bestow...just know that you have a place to air your grievances without upsetting your circle of friends. Good luck to you and everyone involved...hopefully you can all figure this out and move forward. It sounds so simple yet I know it's not and healing from something like this can take a very long time.

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1CRAZYDOG 8/20/2012 11:39AM

    I feel your pain and the sense of betrayal. Won't belabour the points made alread, because they're sound. Good luck and so sorry.

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ONECATSHORT97 8/20/2012 10:58AM

    This does make life a bit complicated, doesn't it? First question, is the affair over and are the couples back together? If the answer is yes, then that's your cue...follow their lead. If they are able to be in the same room together, then there's no call to "pick sides" and your daughter will/should understand that this is their life and if they've resolved it, then it's not her fight to carry on.
The problem is if it isn't resolved. No one can pretend to know what goes on in another's mind or heart. I guess, again, take your cue from the involved parties. You can be supportive, but not "in the middle" (I know this from dealing with my in-laws breakup) What happens if sides are chosen and then the couple(s) gets back together? You're on the outside and not a true friend to at least one of them. Follow your heart (we all know what we should do if we take the time to listen to our hearts) be supportive, be kind. This may be a bump in their road; don't let it become a crater in yours. Lecture finished...sorry it came across as so harsh, but I really wouldn't want you to do something that you may regret later.

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MAMADWARF 8/20/2012 10:44AM

    I feel your pain and the sadness in Your situation. How awful, this happened in out group of racing friends. One of the wives had an affair with one of the other drivers (also married). The first couple separated before the secret was out, the. The other wife found out and it all exploded. It was horrible. It affected every relatio ship we had with every single person. It almost destroyed our club and it was a really ugly time. The man who was the cheater eventually dumped her and went back k to wife and they are happy now with a baby. The cheater wife and her husband divorced but remain great friends. Weird.
It bothered frank and I sooo much! It caused us to look at our morals, values, friendships, trust. It really shook us so I understand how you feel. My kids lost so much respect for all involved. It was awful. But there was no way they weren't going to find out. You can try to keep the details fro. Them. It they are pretty smart and will probably figure it out. You can't protect anyone, unfrtunately. Just be there to listen and try to get through it. Its a very complicated situation.

I feel for you all, I really do.

Comment edited on: 8/20/2012 11:01:42 AM

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