Sunday, August 19, 2012
I sit at a coffeeshop trying to block out the noise to type this on a large, outdated laptop inherited from a gamer who overused the 's' and 'w' keys (and 2 and at symbol, but those are used less often).
I adapted by making a text file that I keep on the desktop that has capital and lowercase versions of those letters I copied from the internet by doing a google search for anything that I could type.
Luckily I type fast, and am used to toggling (using alt+tab to switch back and forth between windows). I do that, then copy the s or w that I need and paste it to where I'm typing. It is AMAZING how often those lettters are used!!!! I mean, you might figure that "s" is popular, but "w" is also!! And switching back and forth between the two happens more than you think. (Otherwise it would just be paste paste paste!)
My point is that right now I figured out that I could have "sw" typed together on that text file, and copy THAT and paste paste paste, and just delete the one that I didn't need. I even congratulated myself on putting the "s" first, since I use that more often and can backspace quickly every time. This decreases my frustration a smidge, and makes it possible to type something like this blog.
The thing is...
I'm pretty good at adaptation. I adapted to being nearly 400 pounds, and still had a full-time job, supported myself and my husband in expensive Southern California. And I thought I was doing pretty well, as I sank deeper into debt... ignoring my depression, the pressures that were robbing me of a truly happy life. Sometimes when things are so hard, the smallest relief feels exhilarating. It's easy to forget that "normal" should feel better. Despair isn't normal. Daily pain isn't necessary. I can survive nearly anything. Especially here (I have a friend who fights her depression in the midst of war, daily abuse and ridicule in the Middle East.)
When I was a kid, to comfort myself my refrain was "It could be worse." It was a way I survived the constant dark thoughts. I was suicidal by 12, and hospitalized for depression (by my request) by 13. But, I think that while true, it is missing the point (and didn't truly comfort me). Now, my life is in the stage of "It could be better." I'd rather think, seek, and accomplish the life that I want. I still try to be grateful for all that I have, without being complacent or getting lost in the negativity. This is more empowering, envisioning the possibilities, and then taking action to get them. Not just surviving, but living life to thrive.
There is a California insurance company who has taken this concept and used it for marketing called, Kaiser Permanente. Big company politics aside, I can see why they've latched onto this. It's something many people have forgotten... But it doesn't belong to them, or to a trademark.
To thrive belongs to all of us.
Some of us here on Spark ended up overweight because we had more than what we needed - more calories than our bodies could process, more sedentary time, more of a lot of things.
I think we ALL deserve more - more of the things we TRULY want and need: happiness, functioning bodies, delicious and nutritious foods. Luxurious indulgences of personal care, pampering that does not damage us, but restores us!
People ask me how I stay motivated, how can I still be here after four years, how could I lose over 100 pounds, and maintain it without significant regain, and keep going in the face of adversity and setbacks. This is key: I try to refresh and remember what I truly need and deserve. I try to be more present in my every-day life, not lost in the fantasy of something I'm not even trying to achieve. It makes me more emotional - slightly more vulnerable, having things more on the surface. But I've tried not caring, and it doesn't work. I've tried mindless eating, and that definitely doesn't satisfy anything for me.
I continue to go back to what my reasons for living are, my reasons for pursuing a healthy lifestyle, and it makes it slightly easier to choose MORE of what need to get there, and less of what I don't.
Oops, my original point was that I've been saving for a new laptop for over a year. So even though I have the ability to type up a long, rambling, all text blog like this with my new and improved copy/paste method, I deserve something faster and easier so that I can find a better job, or send emails timely, or interact with my sparkfriends - whatever I want or need to do.