Sunday, August 19, 2012
I just deactivated my facebook account so that I didn't have to de-friend kids I have known since they were in 6th grade just because I am student teaching in their district. I love the rule because it is meant to protect the kids from things that we hear about in the news. I hate it because there are some people who I am only able to connect with via facebook. Creating a new account just seems ridiculous to me, I have had this one for at least 6 years.
On the up-side, I have some time to focus on me. However, I didn't really spend a large chunk of time on fb. I would check while I waited for short things. It was more of a commercial break for me. I guess I am sad and will have a little withdrawal but I will be fine.
Other changes? I just started student teaching and a new part-time job. I have also seen a lot of God's handiwork in my life; from friendships, jobs, blessings, books and other things.
For a few weeks I have had this idea to write out the kinds of foods and servings that add up to 1200-1500 calories and make it a check-off list and then just make sure to check everything off each day and not have anything to add to it. Also, no more than 1 check per serving. I wrote it all up but I haven't started checking it off. I couldn't figure out what would hold me up from something that seems smart and could really help and I realized...I am a little afraid of losing weight.
"What will I look like?" (I haven't been skinny since the end of 7th grade).
"What if I can't do it?" (Do you know how many 'diets' and 'diet helpers' I have tried?)
"What if I start well and then fail?" (It happened before)
"What if I look ugly skinny?" (what? It could happen, right?)
And the list goes on and on. If it isn't fear, its pride..."People should like me for me." "When I meet my future husband, if I am fat first and he likes me, I'll know he is a keeper." Etc.
I am worth being liked and loved now but I am also worth being able to run up the stairs, to fit in all the rides at the amusement park, to wear clothes that are, frankly, cheaper and look better, and are more comfortable. I deserve to love who I am on the inside AND the outside. I am so sick and tired of my excuses and my fears.
I have heard and seen so many stories of people who just 'went with the flow' and 'accepted their lot in life'. I think its time to change that ending and it can start with me!