Saturday, August 18, 2012
It never ceases to amaze me how selfish we are as whole. Even when doing unselfish things, there is too often a Ďfor meí component, or a Ďfor meí thought. Or maybe Iím just more selfish than most.
Next Thursday my mom and I are flying to Phoenix to bring my brother here to die. His breast cancer has spread and heís lost his job, so he has no money and, for reasons that we here in Missouri canít figure out, he canít live with his wife; the wife he attended to when she nearly died five years ago. Family, eh?
But the fact is my baby brother is dying. It is something we have gotten used to as an idea, an abstract, and from a distance, but will probably be much harder and more real with him right here.
The selfish part? We are going on a small, cut-rate airline so only one bag for me. And I donít know my brotherís internet setup. I donít have one of those SmartPhones, and canít afford one. So, for the first time in over a year, I might not be able to log on to SparkPeople every day. How silly is that?
Now, I do know that last year when my husband was in ICU for a week, then on the regular ward for three more, because he almost died when his colon burst, one of the things that really helped me was being able to log on to Spark People every day and keep tabs on what and how I was eating. I saw quickly that my protein levels were down and got them under control. I was able to keep losing weight, but eat enough to keep my health, and do that while working, driving daily to the hospital, and even fighting my neighbors at a County Commission meeting over closing our road.
It has been there for me for what, 18 months straight? That one thing I can reach out to and know it is there. Another touchstone.
We were just talking about relativity and how we look at things. I hate being a baby. I hate this feeling of wanting to throw myself on the ground and kick my feet. But thatís exactly how I feel. Now, I may be able to figure out how to bring my laptop. Next Thursday is payday and I could probably scrimp & pinch and buy a Kindle Fire. I can probably use Scotty or his wifeís computer for a day or two. Iíve been tracking food for a year and a half, and those days when I canít track ahead, or through the day, Iím usually pretty dang close when I go in and track before bed. Although that is at home and not on the roadÖ
But what is bothering me, whatís really eating me up, is that Iím so worried about myself. My brother is dying and all I can think about is logistics.