A short blog entry.. I am visiting Spark even though I should be packing and getting ready to leave on a road trip. My guy
and I are heading to grandson's 1st birthday weekend 5 hours away.
It will be wonderful to see him and ArayahGrace.. the trouble is Randy's ex wife of course. We just spent last weekend out of town for my oldest stepdaughters wedding in the mountains.
Beautiful wedding..intimate.. stunning.. romantic. With the "EX" popping up in the middle any moment she had a chance. Her long time guy was there as well.. and for some reason chose to become friends with Randy and I last weekend. Weird..but ok. He's a nice guy. The Lunatic however..not so nice.
She is convinced Randy is still in love with her (they split up 15 years ago). Randy is not however..and has given up even trying to convince her. We have a good relationship-he is kind and honest and I trust him. So its not any jealousy thing.. it is the amazement that this woman does not:
A) have a filter - she just blurts out anything that comes to mind
B) have something else (like her children ie//wedding?) to keep her occupied.
C) have a muzzle.
The Lunatic finds every opportunity to find him... sit with us.. sit at the next table, sit on the table.... I find myself daydreaming about how she may disappear suddenly.. and if anyone would notice. Ugh. I dont like being mean..I really dont but ....
She made a comment to Randys daughter before the wedding.. that it does not matter what my dress looks like as I will still be fat. (She is more like a stick insect-very thin.. not in a good healthy way) At first I was mortified. I was ashamed..and I felt my self esteem drop about 1 million points.
And I surprised myself. I didnt run to Randy and say "Guess what ***** said!" In fact..I didnt even mention it to him at all.
I made myself go look in the mirror.. I had just had my hair cut and highlighted.. I have lost 24 lbs in the last few months. I had my dress made for me-formal and fitted.. and I have all of my own teeth.. and I smiled. I actually smiled at me.
I am not at my goal yet. Nope. I am working on it really hard - and I still can grab comfort food when I am really down. I am not sure if that will ever really disappear entirely.
But instead of eating my feelings the day of the wedding.. I lifted my chin.. stood up straight.. had my hair done that day.. had my makeup done..and walked in with Randy smiling and happy- proud of who I am. Not of who I am going to be... proud of me..in this moment.. at this weight.
This weekend will be another full of weird antics.. but I am no longer allowing anyone in this world.. to have the power to cause me to feel less than great..
I am me.. and despite what the Lunatic thinks- I am...some kind of wonderful.