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    ROROSWORLD   2,244
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Day 4 And A Realization


Friday, August 17, 2012

My streak is still going strong on day 4!! emoticon

I keep reading all these articles that say it is a wise thing to share your efforts with your family and friends, so you do not feel alone or so they will not unknowingly sabotage you in your efforts to regain your bodies natural weight.

My problem is that I have done so many weight loss plans and diets and lifestyle changes that sharing with them usually results in negative responses. I have had everything from a raised eyebrow to someone coming right out and saying, “I hope you didn’t spend a lot of money on this one, because you know you never finish it.” I have had family members who know I am trying to eat differently buy me chocolate or french fries or cheesecake the day after I tell them.

I feel like if I share what I am doing this time with anyone other than my therapist and my bariatric medicine doctor, it will discourage me, because it will all be negative. An example, I was flying high the other day after being able to do 45 mins of aerobics. I told a family member about it and how much fun I had and her response was, “Well, it was while sitting, so does it count? I don’t see how you can count it when you were sitting on your keister.” I felt so alone and demeaned after that, I almost started to cry.

Though I have repeatedly asked my family to not give me gift certificates to places like Cold Stone Creamery for my birthday and special occasions or Christmas, I get at least one every time.

I feel like they have gotten used to me this way and fear me being able to make a change that will allow me to have a life again. Because of my philosophical beliefs and my extremely tolerant outlook on life, before my breakdown I seldom had much to do with my family outside of holidays. After I had the breakdown, I was completely reliant on them for everything. At each step along the way, where the doctors have said I could do such and such again, my family has fought me. They kept at me when I started to heal to the point that when I got the apartment I had been waiting 7 years to get, I finally believed that maybe I couldn’t do it.

I have been living on my own since March and I have been fine. But I am down the hall from my mother and minutes away from other family and the idea of me moving back home, was thoroughly quashed. I have been released to drive for 2 years now and no one will lend me a car to get my license back and they will not take me to look at cars. I cannot do public transportation because of my PTSD, so not being able to drive, keeps me relying on them for the ability to leave my apt. when I am able. So, I am beginning to think to them, if I lose the weight and am healthier then I will be one step closer to not needing them anymore.

I will always love them and need them, but, no, I do not want to spend the rest of my life having them in every minute of my life. I would hope that they would not want me to stay this overweight, but their actions say otherwise. So, I am alone in this battle for my life, at least on this plane. I know God is always with me, but sometimes you want someone you can hold onto in the flesh to be with you. So, this time around, I do not think I will share that I am going to change my lifestyle and eating habits with anyone but fellow Sparkians. The idea of that, makes me feel incredibly lonely because it is going to be a major part of everyday for quite a while. And I wonder, if I am going to have to be on the alert for them not being supportive of my new lifestyle after I am in maintenance. Bummer!! emoticon
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