I have been so emotional the past couple days. Especially after work.. when it is just me. No one to take my mind off of things, no work to take my mind off of things.
So many thoughts running through my mind. I am not worried at all about slipping up or quitting anything I have accomplished so far, that's for sure though. I am tough, I can stick this out.
The last few weeks have been mentally and physically trying on me, in ways I never thought possible. In ways I never thought I would ever be able to get through before. But I still keep pushing, still keep staying as positive as I can. I am at the low of lows right now.. and I have never once thought of giving up, it isn't an option. I know this is a test of my strength as a woman, and as a child of God.
And things just keep getting more and more "dire" in my head... well, they WERE. I was at my lowest of lows today.. thinking about how smoking is going to stall my weight loss.. and even maybe undo some of the weight I have already lost.. everything I have worked so hard for the last month. But really.. it just may stall the number.. not what I am doing. It won't stall the fact that I am getting stronger physically.. that my lungs are getting stronger every day now. It won't stall the healthy foods I have been putting into my body. It won't stall my journey to run 5k's. It won't stall me being HEALTHY. Everything I am doing.. and still am doing, is in the pursuit to BE healthy and STAY healthy. And that is not going to change. The weight doesn't matter, that will come off with time. It's just a number. And I HAVE to keep remembering that.
Seriously.. if it wasn't for God, my mom, my best friend, and you guys. I wouldn't know as much as I know now.. I wouldn't have much positive reinforcement.. I wouldn't have had much conviction. I will say it now and keep on saying it.. THANK YOU! :)
On a more upbeat note, tonight I did my normal 30 minutes on the elliptical. Normally I do intervals of about 2 mins normal paced and 1-2 mins fast paced. Today my breathing didn't get too much in the way (it did a few times, but I am controlling it a lot better). And I did at least 3 intervals of 3-4 mins EACH.. the last interval was the 4 minute! I was happy about that.. I am still seeing progress.. the good 'ol NSVs :D This is the perfect time in my life to start really looking for them in everything (not just with bodily changes) and appreciating every single one to the fullest.
The next couple weeks are going to be very busy.. with everything that has been going on in my own life, plus, my dad and step-mom are coming to stay with me for a week on the 23rd. And they don't know about my lifestyle changes. They don't even know about me quitting smoking. It's going to be a big surprise. I may not be at the weight I wanted to be when they got down here, but they will see the changes starting, and that makes me very happy. But I am going to still have to stay very strict about what I do and what I put in my mouth when they are down here. I am planning on still exercising normally (although I may have to start in the mornings instead.. we will see) and eating the same as before, even if we go out to dinner. I am going to have to do my homework before eating out. It is going to be interesting! But another test of my own inner strength.
Me and my dad, 5 years ago (almost to the day). On my moving day from Washington state to Arizona.