Thursday, August 16, 2012
I am reading a book "Självhypnos"(english title: "Healing with mind power") that wants me to do these lists - one of what I have to gain by losing - and one about what benefits I have from being fat. And there is no problem to list what I would gain from losing - but it sounded ridiculous that I would lose anything apart from the weight... BUT (and it is painful) I did some soul-searching and found that there are some positives.
- For example I can eat more than others without risking to gain weight... this sounds weird but if I put up pictures in my mind about what it would be like being thin, one of the things is that I would always have to watch very carefully how much and what I was eating not to start gaining again - and that feels scary. One reason for me being fat is that I like to eat - being thin would require me changing that into something unknown.
- Fat gives me an excuse not to compete in the sex arena - as a fat person I never get treated as a sex object...
- Fat weights heavy... meaning that if I do some soul seeking I discover that I have a tendancy to see small people (like in short, slim and delicate) as less powerful than big, sturdy ones. And who can be more sturdy than a fat person?
And an odd thing - I do like to define myself as an outcast - I do want to belong to a group that is not "normal" that is in a more vulnerable situation than others. This is also very weird because on another level I do very much like to be "normal" and a part of normal groups
Fat also gives me an excuse not to take on challenges and live - I "just" have to get thin before I can...go traveling, start that course, go dancing etc. etc. I can postpone other things because I have to focus on weight loss...
- The identity of being a weak carachter with not enough willpower is secure and it is scary to think of what standards I might have to meet if I changed...
The above is not clear and I am not sure in what extent it is really true - because the opposite is also true - I hate to be different as in fat-different. I hate to be unable to eat less, I hate not to feel sexually attractive etc. but those weird feelings were swimming around somewhere deep in me and is part of why I continue to be fat. I have some wrong emotional connections here - I think that if I lose the weight I will also lose other things in my personality that I want to keep. And I will have to work on believing that it is my choice what I keep and what I let go off.
There is also some very fysical effects - eating gives me oral satisfaction, being full (not too full) feels safe, eating numbs my restlessness and gives me something to do
Yes, yes I know - a lot of the above is brain ghosts that has nothing to do with reality but if I don´t lift them to a concious level I can´t adress them and change them.
It is very easy to state that we are fat because we eat too much energy compared to what we use - but once that is clear too us, why don´t we change? Because the eating and the weight also meets some other blurry needs of ours. If we can identify them and get them right it will get easier to change.