Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Here's a very hard question I have finally been trying to answer.
For too many years I used too many excuses, I am BIG boned, I have a big chest, I come from big people.
In the past couple of months I have finally been really looking at why am I fat? I don't have all the answer's but what I have so far is I felt like I deserved to be fat. Sounds weird eh?
When I was at my heaviest (274 lbs) people saw a funny, happy mom of four who was the life of the party. Behind the jokes, and comments was a scare, sad, depressed and lonely woman who had no direction. I made people laugh because I didn't want them to laugh at me. I loved a life of restrictions, I didn't go out much, I starved myself to binge later in the day, I didn't wear reveling clothes, I didn't swim, do zumba.
What did I do, I watched TV, sat on a coach and ate, ate and ate. I also would tell myself tomorrow I would start the diet. All the while I would binge on chips, pop, popcorn, fried chicken and lots of candy.
Losing weight was never and still is not rocket science, eat lean, fresh food in smaller portions, limit processed foods, increase your water intake and move, move, move!
Why did it take it so long for me to figure out the big secret? I have lost weight in the past only to gain it and a lot more back. I was so scared of that happening this time. I was remember watching Oprah about losing weight and I remember Oprah saying "The weight is about so much more than just what you eat, and until you deal with what the under root issue is you will never be free of it" or something around that idea. I had a very hard time with this. I always thought this meant for people who had been abused as children and I never was so what did I do.
I started to make lists of goals I had, things i wanted to do, places I wanted to see. I made a list about what was great in my life and there was lots because I am blessed. This was a great exercise but it made me even more depressed because I had so much and I was letting my life pass me by. About two months into my journey as I was starting to lose weight but was determined not to tell anyone because I was embarrassed my hubby asked me why was i hiding my success? I was very scared to tell anyone I was trying to lose weight. I didn't want their criticism, their pressure or to have them talking behind my back. Why was i thinking this way? This was my AHA moment, I very never abused as a child but I did grow up in a very cold, criticised and never appreciated home. My parents didn't know what they were doing and I have finally forgiven them because i needed to be able to move on.
My next biggest and hardest task was to take those lists of things that were great about me and my life and believe them! I also had to believe i deserved to be happy! As silly as this all sounds this was the hardest and most important part of my whole weight loss journey. Once I started to like myself I took better care of myself, made better choices and lost a lot of weight.
So Why was I fat? Because I didn't love myself enough to be thin. So if I can extend any advice learn to find something you like about yourself, make a list of things that are great about you. Listen to friends and family when they tell you wonderful things about yourself! Participate on Sparks people because this is the most supportive to be, Really I mean that really listen. Look yourself in the mirror everyday and just smile, you deserve that. Pick something nice to do for yourself (i.e. paint your toe nails, have a bubble bath, get a hair cut) Lastly cut yourself some slack, you are never going to be perfect and no one expects you to be.
Be kind to yourself.
PS Remember we are all in this together!