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Why am I fat!


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Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Here's a very hard question I have finally been trying to answer.

For too many years I used too many excuses, I am BIG boned, I have a big chest, I come from big people.

In the past couple of months I have finally been really looking at why am I fat? I don't have all the answer's but what I have so far is I felt like I deserved to be fat. Sounds weird eh?

When I was at my heaviest (274 lbs) people saw a funny, happy mom of four who was the life of the party. Behind the jokes, and comments was a scare, sad, depressed and lonely woman who had no direction. I made people laugh because I didn't want them to laugh at me. I loved a life of restrictions, I didn't go out much, I starved myself to binge later in the day, I didn't wear reveling clothes, I didn't swim, do zumba.

What did I do, I watched TV, sat on a coach and ate, ate and ate. I also would tell myself tomorrow I would start the diet. All the while I would binge on chips, pop, popcorn, fried chicken and lots of candy.

Losing weight was never and still is not rocket science, eat lean, fresh food in smaller portions, limit processed foods, increase your water intake and move, move, move!

Why did it take it so long for me to figure out the big secret? I have lost weight in the past only to gain it and a lot more back. I was so scared of that happening this time. I was remember watching Oprah about losing weight and I remember Oprah saying "The weight is about so much more than just what you eat, and until you deal with what the under root issue is you will never be free of it" or something around that idea. I had a very hard time with this. I always thought this meant for people who had been abused as children and I never was so what did I do.

I started to make lists of goals I had, things i wanted to do, places I wanted to see. I made a list about what was great in my life and there was lots because I am blessed. This was a great exercise but it made me even more depressed because I had so much and I was letting my life pass me by. About two months into my journey as I was starting to lose weight but was determined not to tell anyone because I was embarrassed my hubby asked me why was i hiding my success? I was very scared to tell anyone I was trying to lose weight. I didn't want their criticism, their pressure or to have them talking behind my back. Why was i thinking this way? This was my AHA moment, I very never abused as a child but I did grow up in a very cold, criticised and never appreciated home. My parents didn't know what they were doing and I have finally forgiven them because i needed to be able to move on.

My next biggest and hardest task was to take those lists of things that were great about me and my life and believe them! I also had to believe i deserved to be happy! As silly as this all sounds this was the hardest and most important part of my whole weight loss journey. Once I started to like myself I took better care of myself, made better choices and lost a lot of weight.

So Why was I fat? Because I didn't love myself enough to be thin. So if I can extend any advice learn to find something you like about yourself, make a list of things that are great about you. Listen to friends and family when they tell you wonderful things about yourself! Participate on Sparks people because this is the most supportive to be, Really I mean that really listen. Look yourself in the mirror everyday and just smile, you deserve that. Pick something nice to do for yourself (i.e. paint your toe nails, have a bubble bath, get a hair cut) Lastly cut yourself some slack, you are never going to be perfect and no one expects you to be.

Be kind to yourself.

PS Remember we are all in this together!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
BANDMOM2012 9/17/2012 4:03PM

    Great message!

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LEALOWE 9/8/2012 2:58PM

    Thank you.

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JAI_COVEY 8/25/2012 12:41PM

    emoticon emoticon

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KECIAJOHNSTON 8/25/2012 2:07AM

    This was so inspiring, it made me cry. Especially the part about not loving yourself enough. I'm only 24 years old, and EVERYONE In my family is thin, except me. I've always felt like the fat outcast child whose parents love her a little less than the prettier kid. And I'm learning slowly that I have to do this for myself, and love myself, and thats a hard thing to do. Thank you for sharing your story and making my day brighter, as i'm sure you did for others as well.

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NAOLEE 8/24/2012 9:28PM

    Thank you, Wise Lady.

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BIGTRAVELER 8/21/2012 11:27PM

    emoticon

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SPIRIT42013 8/21/2012 8:31PM

    It sounds like both of us got real today. Good thing! Let's both do it more often, like almost everyday! Sending good wishes your way... emoticon

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KSLIBRARY 8/21/2012 10:00AM

    So True

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EMILYDOODLE 8/20/2012 9:44PM

  emoticon great blog!

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CAROL494 8/20/2012 8:32PM

  emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SWEETPB731 8/20/2012 1:38PM

    Thank you so much for your wise words. I am currently trying to learn this very lesson and hearing your story has been very helpful. I don't want to feel ashamed anymore either.

Thank you so much for your insight. Good luck on your continued success!

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ICAN2DOTHIS 8/20/2012 1:34PM

  Excellent and inspirational. Thank you so much!

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DONNA5281 8/20/2012 1:04PM

 

Great blog. It sounds like what I am going through right now.


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SHINYZALATA 8/19/2012 9:57PM

    Great blog thank you 4 sharing emoticon

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FITSMALLCLOTHES 8/19/2012 4:24PM

    Good for you. We are here together, your insight is appteciated by many.

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JENSNOOK 8/19/2012 10:28AM

  Congrats on everything first off you are doing great!! You brought back a lot of memories with the whole not loving yourself wow! At one point I had lost 188 lbs and now over the last 6 months or so been gaining I have now lost about 150, reading your blog made me realize that I need to love myself again. My mood and everything has changed in those last 6 or so months and I think it all has to do with loving myself so thank you so much for opening my eyes hopefully I can get my bottom into gear now Thanks Jen

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RICKISMOM1 8/19/2012 5:57AM

    It took a while for me to dig down and figure out my root issues... but doing so was immensely helpful.

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RORYTA 8/19/2012 4:13AM

    You know, your blog was so dead on. I too never believed I had an root issues or causes for my weight being so high. Recently I've started to let go of all my hang ups and concerns, things I have no control over, and being a controlling person, someone who need control to function, it was a difficult task, but as soon as I did, the weight came off.

The mind has a certain clarity that makes it easier for you to do the needful to achieve your goals. It's not "oh man, I can't exercise today, am too tired, lazy blah blah" It's "alright, am having no carbs for dinner, and eating healthy today, time for that workout".

Such a freeing realisation. loved this blog. I wish a lot of people took the time to find their root cause because it's such an important part of the journey.

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TXGRANDMA 8/18/2012 10:49PM

    Good for you! Great realization of what all of us need to do. Take stock of ourselves and our lifestyles and make the changes that are needed! Thanks for sharing! emoticon

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MSKIZ69 8/18/2012 9:45PM

    Loved this--excellent insight and will help so many others!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ENERGY25ME1 8/18/2012 9:15PM

    You are NOT FAT, say to yourself (every, single day)........I AM BEAUTIFUL and I love me! You will see yourself in a whole new light! I guarantee it! emoticon

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RAFF73 8/18/2012 5:50PM

    What an inspirational blog! I think we have all felt that way at some point in our lives. Thanks for putting it in words for us to see and how change our persceptive! Keep up the hard work! You sound like you have found the success to your lifestyle change.
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ALIHIKES 8/18/2012 5:48PM

    Great blog, thank you for sharing your insights. Congratulations! emoticon

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MYOWNHERO 8/18/2012 4:52PM

    Fantastic!

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JOYFULROAD 8/18/2012 4:18PM

  Yep, it is so hard to think I deserve to be thin - but why not!! I totally relate to what you are saying, good luck on your journey!

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MISALINDA 8/18/2012 2:41PM

    It's so hard to be honest with ourselves that I think we all tend to make excuses, whether about our weight or other short comings. Kudos to you for looking at yourself honestly. It's a tough thing to do!

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OAKSHAVEN 8/18/2012 1:42PM

    Great insight. It rings true for me as well. emoticon

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NERDLETTE 8/18/2012 12:41PM

    emoticon
Very inspirational!

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TUBLADY 8/18/2012 12:38PM

    Congratulations on your success and in revealing your inner thoughts.
i wish you the best on your continued journey.
We are all on the journey to create a better life in being more healthy and fit.
I like to say we are just traveling at different speed, the destination is the same.
Take care, be strong and stay positive.
Tisha emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BERGUETTE 8/18/2012 12:34PM

    emoticon

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WENDYHJ 8/18/2012 10:56AM

  Wow- That is all I can say. I think you just described why I am fat. AHA!!! Thank you for your words of wisdom.

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NEWBERRYBEAR71 8/18/2012 10:56AM

    thank you for your honesty and sharing your struggles. all the best to you

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LINDAK25 8/18/2012 10:27AM

    "I didn't love myself enough to be thin." I think you are right. Somehow we feel we deserve this. Isn't it amazing how once we set goals and visualize what it will be like when we get there, we can change our perspective?

I think you have found the secret! Congratulations!

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ILUVTHE80S 8/18/2012 10:25AM

    I can relate to everything you are saying. I am so worried about what people think of me. My mother was and still is very critical of everyone so I grew up thinking everyone was like this. It is really hard to "get over it", but you are proof that you can!
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ENLIGHTENED7 8/18/2012 7:25AM

  Your description of valuing yourself ----and of self-evaluation--- is spot on. I believe it is the key for many of us.

Enjoy everything that is yet to come. emoticon

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WELSTEACH 8/17/2012 11:10PM

    Isn't it great to be free?!

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BARBJEANK 8/17/2012 11:03PM

    Thank you for sharing this with us. You are a very courageous lady. It takes alot of strength & courage to search inside our-self, and change
what we want to about our self. You are an inspiration to us all.. :)

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APOSTOLIC84 8/17/2012 10:49PM

    great, this is so true for many of us , thanks for being so willing to be real and vulnerable

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MBGUYER 8/17/2012 9:15PM

  great piece! keep sparking emoticon

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ANNASMOM12 8/17/2012 9:13PM

  Glad to here you have made change in your life to start some where. I to come a big family not side but both sides.

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LOPEYP 8/17/2012 8:30PM

    So true!! Unfortunately we are our own worse critics.


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VITRAP1 8/17/2012 8:16PM

  I love your words of encouragement!

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PAM_COOPER 8/17/2012 7:35PM

    I agree with you. I have lost and gained so many times I am embarrassed to say. I was a fat 6 yr. old and I have realized I used the "this is how I was raised" excuse one to many times and it is true to a degree---my parents didn't teach me good eating habits and how exercise was necessary. I remember my mom saying to my dad about me eating with him (he came in late at night and ate after the rest of the family) and he would say "oh, let her eat." I was about 8 and it was my second supper after a day full of food and snacks. She never said anything to me again. When I was 10 I went on my first diet--on my own, unsupervised and using diet candy my mom bought me. I got so sick (constipated) and quickly abandoned the diet.
Anyway, I too have been trying to understand why I have been unable to 'get a grip' and what to avoid/how to think this time around, especially when I reach maintenance in about 20 lbs. (I have lost 122 lbs. so far).
I have realized that food has been (in part) my pacifier--something that keeps me avoiding "growing up" and putting on my 'big girl panties" and doing what is necessary to take control of this part of my life. Even if it harder for me than other people. . . . I have also realized that much of the hardship is in my mindset.

Bravo to you for figuring it out!!!

I still don't understand WHY it took so long----after all the years of painful discrimination and condemnation (including my husband, who hated his wife being fat--for 20+ years).

I will never be safe from falling back, but realize I have to be a big girl and do what is necessary.

Thanks for the post, it strikes a cord with many of us.

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LASARRE 8/17/2012 7:16PM

    Wonderful blog :)

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CUDDLYPOLARBEAR 8/17/2012 6:54PM

    Great blog

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ANDREAG89 8/17/2012 6:10PM

    Thank you so much for sharing. It is definitely a journey for us to look deep inside to find out why we turned to too much food in the first place. It's hard to admit.

But I will say to you, congratulations for working so hard to move past what has been holding you back. There's no stopping you now!

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CHRISSYLYNN00 8/17/2012 2:25PM

    Love this post!!

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FEMISLIM 8/17/2012 2:24PM

    Great thoughts

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KDYLOSE 8/17/2012 1:20PM

    This is a wonderful blog.

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TATATIMA 8/17/2012 11:26AM

  Thank you for your blog, it inspired me to write down my own thoughts in a blog. You are right, we have to love ourselves first. I've been so hard on myself for so long. I don't know how to do it differently.

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