Monday, August 13, 2012
Well hi everyone--here i am back again. drifted away and you know what--my weight drifted out of my grasp too. last year we build an addition on our house, which was wonderful, difficult, and ultimately so rewarding. the crazy weather made the process very stressful (basically it rained from april to july) and my business (a very small specialty plant nursery) was hideously bad. add to that the death of our beloved dog, soda, some health crises from my parents and things just spiraled away. One good thing--our holistic vet that treated soda found sparkpeople and i know she is on here somewhere, so before we totally crashed we managed to spread the word :-).
and while i didn't completely wipe out my success, i did some pretty serious damage to it.
recently i have come to the realization that part of what i do is "live up" to the negative voice in my head. the one that tells me i have a weight problem and will always have a weight problem and i will always be fat. the truth is i haven't always been fat, but my thin periods were (in my head) only waiting periods until i could get fat again and satisfy the expectations of that voice. and it occurred to me that this "voice" is like some people i have known in the past--people whom i have befriended, only to find that my relationship with them has proven beneficial to them and mainly destructive to me.
you know the type--people who want everything you can give them, and then thank you for your time by asking for something more. people who you really want to be able to be friends with, but ultimately find that you can't do it if you want to keep your sanity and your own happiness intact.
fortunately (for me) i have a personality quirk that serves me well. i will take a lot of this kind of behaviour from others, but at some point i reach a point where i just stop taking it. i never know where that point will come, but when it does, i turn my back and walk away. it sounds unkind, but it is a clean break. there is no "squishiness" about it. when i am gone, i am gone. i take pains when i realize relationships like this seem to be developing not to become indispensable to the other person--i would never leave someone hanging that was depending on me for something concrete-- and then i just close the door. never feel bad about it, never go back and revisit the relationship. this is never done in anger--it is done out of a feeling of self preservation and a decision that my presence is an enabling or ultimately destructive factor in the life of the other person. so i just walk. and it occurred to me that i can think of this bad inner voice as one of these people and i can walk away from it in the same way. and i did. i have given this inner voice the name that belonged to the most destructive of these people, and when it tries to talk to me i just treat it in the same way i did her.
will i have problems as i go onward in my journey--of course i will. but this nasty little voice will no longer claim my rapt attention as it tries to judge and berate me. eventually i think it will drift away and be forgotten. there are many ways to react when problems arise. i choose no longer to default to this set of ideas for help.