I have have done this now I have to own ot!
Monday, August 13, 2012
I have been workout gor for 3 months now, loosing the weight slowly but am loosing it. But my knee is started to really hold me back. I have had 8 knee surgerys, 6 scopes, 1 proxal/ distal realigment and one hardware removal and still the pain is so bad. I have a Friend that thinks my knee doc should just do something some how just fix it. I have a appointment this week to see him. But it really hit me when I was trying to explain to her why he can't just fix it. Because after every one of my surgerys he told me to loose weight and I did nothing and now my knee is gone, I have no cartilage at all and I am only 38 and I need a total knee done. But he warned me, oh so many times he warned me and now that I am really trying to loose the weight so I can get to the 180 lb mark where doing a total knee will be so much better, now I am having to skip walks and ork out because I can put any weight on my left side because of the swelling and pain. I was wishing if I see him this week he could just get me a new brace. But I know now tht would work less than a band aid. I have been using a leeve brace and another brace just to walk and every day I am able to walk less and less. And I ave done this too my self. My friend just doesn't get it. Doc can't just fix it any more because he has done all he can. Because I have not done everything I can. I didn't loise the weight after each surgery, even after I left his office in tears, thinking why is he so mean to me hy doesn't he like me. But the truth is. He told me the truth and I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to do anything to help my self. He told me a year go loose the weight I will try a partial knee. But I didn't do anything. I used the pain as a excuse to do nothing. Now I m really trying and the pain I am in just to get up to go to the bathroom is so much more than I have ever had.. My knee is twice the size as it should be, icing it does nothing and now I understand what he has been telling me. He has done all he can now it is up to me. It was up to me 12 years ago when I was able to work and bring home a paycheck. When I should have done something. I get it now. I own what I have done and no I m scared of what he will say when I see him wensday, best case he does another scope to get the fliud off my knee and get me fitted for a brace. Second best. Brace so I have som support o continue hat I am trying to do now. Both if I can convince him how hard I have been working and how hard I will keep working. If I can convince him to help I will own what I have done and show him my progress every month or have a report sent to him that I am doing it. Or. He can't do anything and I am not sure how much longer I can go on this knee. I know at my weight the theraphy for a partial or total knee replacement will be harder than I have ever had, the pain the worst or to the point I can't walk without a cane or other help. I own that I have gained the weight I own that I didn't listen to him and help myself while he was trying to help. I just hope I still have a chance. If a scope and knee brace is a option this time I won't waste the chance. I will loose the 60 lbs. I need for the knee replacement I just hope I still have a chance to get there so I am so much healthyer to have such a Surgery. I know if I do have this last option for a scope and brace to help with the pain I wont waste it this time. At 180 lbs I will know I can do the surgery for replacment and the intense theraphy because I am willing to do everything I can to loose that last 60 lb to get there and if I can do that I can finish this..get to a healthy weight a new knee and the knowlage and stregth and self love to stay that way.. I know now I love my self and i am worth love. But I will find out wensday if I have one more chance to loose the weight. Before the knee replacment or if I have lost it. Either way I know now. It is up to me to do it like I should have