Sunday, August 12, 2012
It's been awhile since I saw the old me. I was thinner, more active, very fit, and well...my jeans didn't dig into my sides. I didn't untag photos on facebook quite as fast as I did yesterday (Saw a photo from May at a wedding and I swear I looked 3x my size)
I'm not humiliated by how I look, more like ashamed. Not that I look bad by any means. Just not feeling or looking like the "me" I used to know. I have had weight battles since I was 10. I got chubby, then I got athletic, back to chubby, then super skinny model weight, back to chubby, to athletic, and now back to chubs lol. They say it's "happy weight" from the time I met my now husband. I know in February 2011 I was at a happy weight...and it was not this weight I carry now. It was actually about 36lbs lighter. I gained all that between then, the wedding, the honeymoon, and moving to a new home. I wear his shirts a lot now. They don't hug anything.
So I chose that only I can take on this battle. I can ask for support, help, and healthy competition but it is up to me to say no, make choices, and do what I feel is right. I will fall sometimes, stumble some nights, and crawl into a hole and feel like dying at other times. I'm starting back off with a goal of 36lbs to lose. 4 down in week one. (That was after I lost the 4, found it again after eating out twice in a row and then lost it again lol)
I have a glitch in the system...if I get pregnant I won't meet the goal, but I intend to stay healthy so it comes off easier after. If I'm not pregnant anytime soon then I plan to work my happy rear into gear and get back to the gym as soon as it opens next month and just work super hard and then be where I want to be. I can't stop LIFE just because I have let myself get back to a place I never wanted to see. I actually weigh the most I have ever weighed in my life. Well...who's fault is that? MINE!
So I want to make myself accountable, even if it's one tiny step a day, one little change a week.
So far I have put into action:
Counting calories on SP again
Ban on fast food for 12 weeks to get rid of cravings
No sweet tea
Lowering carbohydrates intake
I'm not stupid I was on the verge of finishing up my certification for personal training and fitness until all this "happy weight" and I bonded again. Those were choices I made and now I have to make MYSELF happy.