Saturday, August 11, 2012
Why do I eat the things I eat? why am I lacking in self talk to get me motivated? Why do I watch everyone else enjoy their lives, exercise, and look fit and trim? These are some of the questions I ask myself on a daily basis in hope that the answer will pop into my head as if I were a cartoon character having a light bulb suddenly go one on the top of my head. I never got the answers as quick as I wanted. I wanted to improve myself, look as I did 10 years ago, but I still sat there or tried to do what it took to improve but stopped after a few months only to slide backwards gaining 10 more pounds, then 20 until finally at a 60 pound gain I know things have to change. I do very well at my job, top of my game, I help others to work through lifes challenges, but for myself I look at myself as a failure. I cry, scream, go to bed, only to realize I am putting myself deeper into a depression that scares even me.
When I was growing up, it seemed in my adolesant brain that I couldn't do anything right for my mother... I know lets blame the mother, she wanted us to make choices for us that were different than the choices she made for herself, with that in mind, you need to work hard to succeed. I did, except for this weight thing, food thing, exercise thing. Whats up with that? It's all about control, these are the things I can control in my life and yet I have allowed others to control me so much, I forgot to be me. Be who I want, do what I want, and look the way I want. It's going to be a lot of work for me, and with some will maybe I can be me.