Saturday, August 11, 2012
Disclaimer - this is NOT a positive blog. I am writing this for myself and do not want it to bring others down.
I'm quite down overall with my mood and up with my weight. I'm still not in control, haven't gotten the fact yet that food is sustenance only. And my binging is now getting worse that I'm getting more down. What a vicious cycle. I even gave up trying to cut back as I planned to put some money for a down payment on Lap-Band surgery.
I know what I have to do....but....
Why can't I stick with it?
Am I really an emotional eater?
Why do I avoid going to be with my partner so I can stay up to eat?
Why do I think about what I am going to eat next before I finish eating?
How can my stomach hold soooo much food?
Why do I like food sooooo much?
How can I possibly eat soooo much food when I'm not hungry?
Why is it that if my clothes feel comfortable, I think it's ok to have that next snack or 10?
Why is my Wii collecting dust?
Why am I denying that my knee pain is due to my obesity?
Why do I wish that I was hypomanic again?
Why, How, Why, How....
I have lots of questions, the same questions I've asked for many, many years.
Unfortunately I just don't want to answer them.
Because I like everything I see, and enjoy planning every next bite.
Just not the basic sustenance.