Saturday, August 11, 2012
Most of my weight issues come from my dad. I've always felt he didn't want me, that he was ashamed of me, and that because I was over weight he was embarrassed of me. A couple weeks ago he was in town and we spent the week together. We exercised together. Extra emphasis on TOGETHER. Over the summer I've realized that I can do these things. I CAN be physically active and I won't get hurt (physically or emotionally). I am strong enough. It isn't about will power or watching what I eat, it's about wanting to feel good. Wanting to go out and get the endorphins flowing to make you feel better. Working out with my dad taught me that.
We would go to these giant sets of stairs downtown that scared the living day lights out of me. I am not good with heights! I did the stairs one and a half times and had to stop because my nerves were so shot I was crying. We went for a walk around the park after that and then had to climb up the scary stairs again to get to the car (strategic move parking at the top ;)). The next day I did the stairs half way instead of all the way so I wouldn't get so freaked out and I ended up going about 3 times, the next day it was 3.5, and so on. While we walked we talked about everything. We talked about how I felt about myself, how he has felt about himself in the past, and what we both want in the future for ourselves and our relationship together. It was very eye opening and ensuring that all of my worries and fears were just that - worries and fears. Not facts, not truths, not even thoughts outside of my head. I was holding myself back from being happy with me because I was afraid of something that didn't exist.
Now I go to these stairs that are slightly smaller but closer to home. Today I went up and down 5 times and only had to stop once to catch my breath. I went for a walk afterwards and went home feeling very accomplished and proud of myself. I got injured at my job over the summer and had to leave because of it. I've been getting stronger and stronger every day and I can feel it, too. The stairs and walking helps along with physio and weights but the biggest improvement was because of the week I spent with my dad. We are closer, I find it easier to talk to him, and we actually have been staying in contact more than in the past. He's even helped me through my school woes (never thought that would happen!). I've never had a dad I could count on or felt comfortable around and now that I've got a taste for it I am definitely not letting it go.
The way I see it, as scary as it may be, whatever is holding you back you have to confront it. You have to fight through it and see for yourself whether it's just some thought you created in your head that no one else has ever thought about you or if it's something completely different that you need to work on. In the end, it is SO worth it. I'll never forget the week I spent with my dad on the stairs.
"Look at you, Miss. Brave. We're conquering fears today!"