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Inner turmoil

Friday, August 10, 2012

That circus camp is a very good practise place for me.From the comments I got two days ago I think I might have presented the leaders somewhat unfair - I am voluntary at that place which I wouldn´t be if they were not good enough and they have run a lot of camps before and do it very good - the kids love it all the time. Yesterday they made dough that should be their hot dog breads for lunch - and as it is a "magical school" they did it with some magical formulas and the leader had coloured the yeast green and called it "Toad snot" or something like that - big success. Yesterday they also started to rehearse the show they are showing the parents today as an end to the camp.

So it is a great camp - this years children is also very sweet and creative and fun to listen to/watch... it is the communication between the leaders that puzzles me. it is not very good but the fun thing about that is that it does not frustrate me, it interest me.

My big challenge yesterday was to tell them that I wanted time off to go to my aca group. I did speak up but was not really energetic enough to get away in time - but I went anyway and visited the gym and did the ST I had planned for wednesday. Remember it is not my colleagues that protests or give snide remarks about me taking time off, it is my own expectations and demands to be "perfect" that gives all this anxiety.

As I am writing this they speak about the raising numbers of anorectic/ortorectic people on the news. I am the kind of person that gets obsessed and it is also very easy for me to feel as a failure when I don´t meet "perfect" standards, I need to practice that too, that is why I decided not to go to the gym today - two times is really good enough this week. I started with a plan for three timnes a week but I do think that in the long run two times is really enough.

The hunger is completely gone and I have gotten a lot of energy and a really good mood. At the same time I have cravings at nights and think I will fall any minute. It has helped me to notice that I have many areas where I go into emotional confusion and I cannot find my way out of it because I don´t really know what is what in it. The present strategy is to accept that confusing turmoil and tell myself that I really do not have to know exactly what I feel or where those feelings come from, I´ll give it a try and be happy when I find some logic in it.

That leadership of the camp awakes some of that turmoil, I feel unsure if I am being good enough and if I am contributing enough. And it is healthy for me to acknowleges those feelings and let them pass because from mu own judgement I can see that I am being a good coworker and contributing... it is "just" that I have never learned to trust my own judgement enough, I rely on confirmation and support from others instead and although that is nice and I want it too I want my main strength to come from within...

Have a busy day in front of me and need to take doggy for a long walk before it starts...
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • SILLYHP1953
    I'm quite impressed with how you are learning to "feel the feelings". That is one of the main things I have to work on.
    1795 days ago
    Thank you for sharing this. I too suffer from not trusting my own judgement and even at 40 years of age feel the need to get approval from others that what I did was correct. I think that may be why I am struggling with school as I am not getting as much feedback and need to trust my own instincts.

    I think it is great that you got to the gym twice as planned.
    2017 days ago
    I think it is great you are monitoring and working on understanding your inner state!

    Good for you for the gym work!

    2018 days ago
    Good for you that you're able to watch the turmoil, outside and in. Progress.

    2018 days ago
    I think this "turmoil" is healthy Meddy! Life is turmoil; it ebbs and flows. Depending on others for confirmation is a slippery slope. They can't give what they don't have. When teaching; I could count on the feedback of the kids more than the adults. They were more honest with their feelings for the most part. Not as directed by "their interests". Don't know if that makes sense; but I do really enjoy your blogs!
    2018 days ago
    I can relate to much of what you wrote about the emotional turmoil, about being insecure and you being your own harshest judge...
    A book that really was useful for me in this respect was 'Waking the Tiger' by Peter Levine.
    Good for you for going to the gym twice.
    2018 days ago

    Comment edited on: 8/10/2012 3:52:36 AM
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