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Camping Tips

Friday, August 10, 2012

Q. What equipment will I need to go camping?

A. You need a tent. Tent sizes are measured in units of men, as in "a three-man tent"; this tells you how many men are required to erect the tent if they are all professional tent engineers. Even then, the tent will collapse under unusual weather conditions, such as nightfall. You will also need a hatchet, for the spiders, and a credit card, for the motel.

Q. Where should I go camping?

A. The United States has a spectacular national park system with millions of unspoiled acres where wildlife is protected by federal laws. Avoid these places. You want a commercial facility with a name like "The Stop 'n' Squat Kountry Kamp-ground," where large animals cannot fit through the 6-inch gaps between the Winnebagos.

Q. How much food should I take?

A. A lot. You'll be providing food not only for your family, but also for the entire raccoon community. When I was a boy in rural Armonk, our garbage cans were regularly terrorized by a gang of brilliant criminal raccoons. I recall being awakened at 3 a.m. by loud noises and looking out the window to see, by moonlight, my father, a peace-loving Presbyterian minister, charging around in the bushes, wildly swinging a baseball bat and saying non-Presbyterian words.

Of course, he did not get the raccoons; you NEVER get the raccoons.

Q. What if I get lost?

A. If you don't have a compass, stand very still and listen very carefully, until you hear this sound: "eh-eh-eh." That is Canada. Whatever you do, don't go that way.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MRSVK11 8/10/2012 5:24PM

    That is hilarious...Definitely avoid Canada... the bears up here love imported food emoticon

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MISSDAISY23 8/10/2012 3:23PM

    emoticon

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BIGBOYTRI 8/10/2012 1:19PM

    SOOOO true!

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TISTEN23 8/10/2012 11:04AM

    HAHAHA!!! Thats great!!!!

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COACHPENNY 8/10/2012 10:00AM

    I will add.......never get to the campground before dark. This will be an assurance of more non-Presbyterian words and mosquito bites in places you can't imagine. The next morning, thanks will be given for the narrow margin between peaceful slumber and the drop off into the lake you missed by a grass blade. emoticon

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BEARGODDESS 8/10/2012 9:38AM

    emoticon emoticon

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ALICERIEGER 8/10/2012 8:40AM

    Thsnk you for the valuable advice. lol

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ATLTRAINR 8/10/2012 5:18AM

    emoticon

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ALIHIKES 8/10/2012 3:44AM

    I loved this! LOL

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HELEN_BRU 8/10/2012 1:00AM

    I'm Canadian so I love the last one! lol

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NAYPOOIE 8/10/2012 12:38AM

    yeah, that first answer is right on.

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SARAALINE 8/10/2012 12:24AM

    LOLOLOLOL!!!!! As an avid camper and lover of sleeping in tents, the answer to the first question is right on target.

Comment edited on: 8/10/2012 12:24:58 AM

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