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Am I Beautiful Right NOW?

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Thursday, August 09, 2012

So, I had my pity party a couple weeks ago. I cried my tears. I re-aligned my mind to the reality of my situation (4 weeks in the walking boot and physical therapy in the water). I got the greatest pep talk ever from my very dear trainer and he helped me to kick out my negative thoughts and adjust my view of reality.

I have worked out a total of 320 minutes over the past 9 days. Considering running has not been a part of that equation, I'm really quite proud of this accomplishment....even though I know I can do so much more. And I will.

I have made some revolutionary changes to my diet...trainer calls it Table Training. I've really been reigning things in and doing the best I can to be as disciplined as I can with my choices. Not perfect, but damn close. Working hard to PLAN ahead...to make sure I get my protein, that I'm not going over on fat, that I'm eating as much whole and healthy food as possible.

I wasn't seeing any loss...but no significant gains either. The extra protein was making my body feel AMAZING. I have felt tight all over (in a great way) from all the strength work I've been doing and I just feel SO HEALTHY.

But the scale was not budging. Until today...I posted a 1.6 lbs weight loss. I was SO SO happy. I am praying that it keeps going in the downward direction.

Even though I'm doing absolutely everything in my power to help my body "heal" from obesity, the battle is so much more on the emotional and mental field than anything else.

Yeah...I feel great...but I miss running. I sometimes think about it in the middle of a workout and my heart feels overwhelmingly sad.

I'm a girl...I worry about things....

What if I go back to running and I don't love it anymore?
What if all this extra strength training and pool therapy really doesn't work?
What if I can't last for 7 miles anymore?
How will I possibly be ready for my half marathon in October?
What if this is a recurring injury?
What if I can't lose enough weight and my stupid obesity causes a bone bruise AGAIN?
What if I simply can't lose anymore weight, no matter what I do?

What if, what if, what if, what if???

It's mental torture, I tell you. It's one thing to be able to control my ACTIONS and do all the things I know to be right for my body at this time. It's quite another to tame the tongue of the doubt demons within. (borrowed that term from Francie Van Wirkus, author of the book I read yesterday)

What it comes down to is this: am I beautiful right now? Am I proud of who I am RIGHT NOW?

I took my 6 year old to the public pool on Tuesday. It was just her and me. We went the moment it opened and I told her we could stay as long as she wanted to stay. She was over the moon excited. This child loves me to death. To her, I hang the stars. I am her hero and her world. She says "I love you" to me at least 15 times a day. She is so cuddly and always wants to be touching me or near me or hugging or kissing me. She adores me.

Why can't *I* adore me like that?

My 9 year old is so proud of me for all that I've done and am doing. She brags to her friends that her mom can run 7 miles. She refuses to let me say I'm fat and she always tells me that I should not say mean things about myself.

My 4 year old boy...ohhhh my 4 year old boy!!! There is not another boy on this planet that I am more in love with. (Sad...but true. Maybe not healthy, marriage-wise, but that's a whole other blog!) That little boy is my heart walking on two legs. He still kisses me on the lips! He expresses his love continuously and tenderly and never ever ever stops. When I put on make-up or a dress, he gently caresses my arm and says, "Mommy, you so pretty." Talk about melting your heart!

At the pool, Elayna and I took one of those photos of ourselves where I reach out as far as I can and we get in close so we can both fit in the pic. I had pool hair and Elayna had blue teeth from her snow cone and we'd been out in the water and chlorine and air and heat all day.

I was shocked when I saw it. It's not often that I take a picture of myself and I actually feel beautiful. I made it my phone background. And, I'm not kidding...I can't stop looking at it. There is something perfect about the coloring and the lighting and it's just...beautiful. I told my husband that if I die soon, he better use that picture at my funeral. Yeah, I'm weird and think things like that. LOL.

*I* am beautiful in that picture.

Why does it feel wrong to say that? Why isn't that OK? If my kids can say it to me, why can't I??? Well, starting now...I can.

Make no mistake about it...I will keep working hard. I have goals to reach. But I am beautiful now. And I need to start treating myself as such.

And so are you.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I was listening to an author on the radio discuss how our self talk is soooo toxic. We say things to ourselves we would never say to someone else. We would be embarrassed to even think those thoughts about someone else and yet we poison ourselves with it. You are beautiful, you will continue to lose weight and you are an athlete, more than a runner, An ATHLETE! I have been working on trying to take control of those thoughts, to focus on the positives.
    1939 days ago
    So very very true. Why are we so quick to believe our own usually warped views of ourselves, yet not the sincere, heartfelt comments from those who love us? Why is it hard for me to accept my husband's assertions that I am "cute" or "pretty"? Why do I not believe my teens when they tell me that I *can* do something I think I can't?

    Why, why, why.

    Good questions.

    And, yes, that picture is a very good one of you. I agree about the lighting. There is something in the sunlight on your face that reflects your inner, and YES outer beauty!

    1942 days ago
  • HFAYE81
    You ARE beautiful!! I'm glad you can see it in that picture!
    1946 days ago
    Totally made me teary...you really are beautiful in that picture and when you talk about your little boy, it so resonated. My little boy is 20 and he's still just like yours.
    1948 days ago
    Your blog was amazing! I love the passion you bring to your life and your kids.

    You are a beautiful woman, inside and out!
    1948 days ago
    Reading this brings tears to my eyes, because it feels like you've written my thoughts. Thank you so much for sharing.
    1948 days ago
    You are beautiful. What sweet kids you have.
    1948 days ago
    I like what you said about "healing" from obesity. I've never heard/seen it put that way and it makes sense to me. Losing weight is so much more than the fitness and exercise. It's so much more mental/emotional that one would think and that's the hardest part. Getting out of my own head is my biggest downfall.

    My grandpa always told me, "Can't lives on won't street--if you can't do something it's because you will not try." As long as you try, you are not a failure.

    I kept my niece a week this summer; she loves to swim so I took her to the public pool here. And I wore my swimsuit and laid in the sun with no coverup, because I needed the sun. She had a blast and I thought, she's happy, I'm content, heck with these people, I don't know them and they don't know me. And that was the best week of summer I've had in a LONG while, just taking her to the pool, watching her go down the waterslide, and soaking up the sun.

    Sometimes we have to move backwards in order to move forwards.
    1949 days ago
    What a beautiful concept. Why can't we see ourselves the way others see us? We constantly have that nagging negative voice inside that says we aren't good enough. No matter what weight we reach, that voice seems to always be lurking there. It seems like you are finally starting to silence it.
    Your children sound like absolutely amazing individuals! what a proud mother you must be.
    That picture radiates beauty, light, and peace! I love it!
    Great blog. emoticon
    1949 days ago
  • ROB704
    Nicely said!
    1950 days ago
    great blog
    1950 days ago
    I LOVED reading this blog. Your happiness for life and the love for your kids (and them for you) just shines through!

    Thanks for sharing and the message of this blog is so spot on. We are beautiful and should treat ourselves as such. And the picture is wonderful!

    Spark on!

    emoticon emoticon
    1950 days ago
    You are so beautiful and you have a beautiful spirit which comes through in everything you write - I wish more children could feel the warmth of their mother's love as your most certainly do - you are inspirational and a great psoitive role model.
    Have a fabulous week.

    1950 days ago
    Great post. BTW, you definitely look great in that picture, but I think you look great in all of your pictures because of your smile and the personality that shines through! :)
    1950 days ago
    I loved your blog and youre absolutely right you are beautiful! my mind like yours can be my worst enemy. but we gotta push thru and think positive thoughts. you will bounce back soon enough! good luck to you! hope u dont mind me adding you as a friend!!
    emoticon emoticon
    1950 days ago
    You are beautiful!!!
    and I loved hearing about your four year old saying such sweet things to you.. My 5 yr old son sometimes says very sweet things, too. (Of course sometimes he says mean things, too, but that's when he doesn't like that I am not giving him his own way every time.)
    1950 days ago
  • SALEX52
    good luck with your rehab.
    1950 days ago
    Yes, You are beautiful!! emoticon
    1950 days ago
  • CAROL494
    You ARE beautiful and you have a wonderful smile! emoticon
    1950 days ago
    You can do it. Keep believing in your self and reevaluating your progress.
    1950 days ago
    Great blog! You ARE beautiful and that is a great picture! Keep those great thoughts coming!! emoticon emoticon
    1950 days ago
    Thank you for sharing!
    1950 days ago
  • AJB121299
    great job
    1950 days ago
    Yes, you are beautiful..on the inside and out. That is what your children see. I think you caught a glimpse of that in the picture. emoticon
    1950 days ago
    You are beautiful! And the love and support of your beautiful children is SO AWESOME!
    1950 days ago
    That is a beautiful picture and it sounds like your kids are the best cheerleaders and motivators you could ever ask for, they sound awesome!!! Keep listenin' to 'em!!!
    1950 days ago
    1950 days ago
    You are beautiful!! Its nice to see that you realize that. I know we all have issues with that, not realizing that we are beautfiul. It doesn't take a size 0 to make someone beautiful. Its much more what is on the inside than outside that truly makes a person beautiful and you my friend are exceptional! emoticon
    1950 days ago
    I believe we sometimes Have to go back to being like little children. Back to the basics-remembering the little things are so much sweeter thru child's eyes.

    Thanks for sharing.
    1950 days ago
    This is an awesome pic, you look so happy! And yes SO beautiful! I commend you on your honest blog. Sometimes we are the ones who are hardest on ourselves. Keep up the good work! Our own personal weight loss reward may not come to us overnight, but thank goodness we get times like this to enjoy and celebrate along the way.
    1950 days ago
    I think the best pictures come when we are doing something we genuinely enjoy or are taken when we are genuinely happy. You were just enjoying the time you spent with your daughter, so you have a great smile and the picture comes out looking lovely. Great post and it's a good reminder that sometimes I need to take a break from focusing on what changes I still want to make and just appreciate where I am at and how far I have come.
    1950 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1950 days ago
  • DR8561
    What a great picture! You ARE beautiful! I'm still working on not seeing the fat girl every time I look in the mirror, but I'm getting there. It's a process, right?
    emoticon emoticon
    1950 days ago
    That is emoticon that you can see what everyone else can!
    1950 days ago
    WooHoo and Hurray. You ARE beautiful. And so fortunate to have such wonderful kids! I understand about the negative self talk. Whenever I am with friends I later beat myself up .... Just knowing I said the wrong thing. Or right thing at the wrong time. I read and love the book 'the 4 agreements'. And it taught me how to not take things personally and to not make assumptions. I reread passages of the book every week!! emoticon
    1950 days ago
    Some of the simplest truth get muddied in the process of surviving the challenges of adolescence. Glad we are both thinking along the same lines...
    1950 days ago
  • LZY0108
    AWESOME blog!
    1950 days ago
    Definitely an A+
    1950 days ago
    You are very beautiful and so is your daughter... Great pic.!!
    1950 days ago
  • GUCCI9300
    emoticon You are Beautiful!!!
    1950 days ago
  • HEATHER3477
    You are beautiful!!!!!!!! and your honesty makes you even more beautiful!!! emoticon
    1950 days ago
    We are so hyper critical of ourselves. Of course you are beautiful and don't be afraid to ask or acknowledge that.
    Take lots of pictures to remind yourself you beautiful woman!
    1950 days ago
    Love this blog post. Yes, you ARE beautiful. How nice that the photo allowed you to see yourself as others see you.
    1950 days ago
    Thank you for writing this blog. God did create everyone beautiful. Seeing yourself beautiful is a real delight to read. Take this moment and appreciate you for you are wonderful.
    1950 days ago
  • CSNOW71
    I always look forward to reading your blogs, this one teared me up!! You are such an open and honest person and I love that about you but you are also a very beuatiful woman (inside and OUT).

    Best wishes and continued success!!
    1950 days ago
    emoticon emoticon
    1950 days ago
    1950 days ago
  • WILSON1926
    You are incredible and beautiful. keep going
    1951 days ago
  • MOM-MOM8
    emoticon You are beautiful! emoticon for reminding all of us that we need to love ourselves where we are and throughout the journey, where ever it leads us. emoticon emoticon
    1951 days ago
    Well this brought tears to my eyes.
    First the love of children- they love us for who we are with no judgements. Kids do not lie- they speak the truth.
    Second- just hearing you say you are beautiful. Think we sometimes focus too much on what we dont like instead of seeing what others see in us.
    Listen to those children and keep looking at that picture- see yourself as others do "beautiful" inside and out.
    1951 days ago
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