So, I had my pity party a couple weeks ago. I cried my tears. I re-aligned my mind to the reality of my situation (4 weeks in the walking boot and physical therapy in the water). I got the greatest pep talk ever from my very dear trainer and he helped me to kick out my negative thoughts and adjust my view of reality.
I have worked out a total of 320 minutes over the past 9 days. Considering running has not been a part of that equation, I'm really quite proud of this accomplishment....even though I know I can do so much more. And I will.
I have made some revolutionary changes to my diet...trainer calls it Table Training. I've really been reigning things in and doing the best I can to be as disciplined as I can with my choices. Not perfect, but damn close. Working hard to PLAN ahead...to make sure I get my protein, that I'm not going over on fat, that I'm eating as much whole and healthy food as possible.
I wasn't seeing any loss...but no significant gains either. The extra protein was making my body feel AMAZING. I have felt tight all over (in a great way) from all the strength work I've been doing and I just feel SO HEALTHY.
But the scale was not budging. Until today...I posted a 1.6 lbs weight loss. I was SO SO happy. I am praying that it keeps going in the downward direction.
Even though I'm doing absolutely everything in my power to help my body "heal" from obesity, the battle is so much more on the emotional and mental field than anything else.
Yeah...I feel great...but I miss running. I sometimes think about it in the middle of a workout and my heart feels overwhelmingly sad.
I'm a girl...I worry about things....
What if I go back to running and I don't love it anymore?
What if all this extra strength training and pool therapy really doesn't work?
What if I can't last for 7 miles anymore?
How will I possibly be ready for my half marathon in October?
What if this is a recurring injury?
What if I can't lose enough weight and my stupid obesity causes a bone bruise AGAIN?
What if I simply can't lose anymore weight, no matter what I do?
What if, what if, what if, what if???
It's mental torture, I tell you. It's one thing to be able to control my ACTIONS and do all the things I know to be right for my body at this time. It's quite another to tame the tongue of the doubt demons within. (borrowed that term from Francie Van Wirkus, author of the book I read yesterday)
What it comes down to is this: am I beautiful right now? Am I proud of who I am RIGHT NOW?
I took my 6 year old to the public pool on Tuesday. It was just her and me. We went the moment it opened and I told her we could stay as long as she wanted to stay. She was over the moon excited. This child loves me to death. To her, I hang the stars. I am her hero and her world. She says "I love you" to me at least 15 times a day. She is so cuddly and always wants to be touching me or near me or hugging or kissing me. She adores me.
Why can't *I* adore me like that?
My 9 year old is so proud of me for all that I've done and am doing. She brags to her friends that her mom can run 7 miles. She refuses to let me say I'm fat and she always tells me that I should not say mean things about myself.
My 4 year old boy...ohhhh my 4 year old boy!!! There is not another boy on this planet that I am more in love with. (Sad...but true. Maybe not healthy, marriage-wise, but that's a whole other blog!) That little boy is my heart walking on two legs. He still kisses me on the lips! He expresses his love continuously and tenderly and never ever ever stops. When I put on make-up or a dress, he gently caresses my arm and says, "Mommy, you so pretty." Talk about melting your heart!
At the pool, Elayna and I took one of those photos of ourselves where I reach out as far as I can and we get in close so we can both fit in the pic. I had pool hair and Elayna had blue teeth from her snow cone and we'd been out in the water and chlorine and air and heat all day.
I was shocked when I saw it. It's not often that I take a picture of myself and I actually feel beautiful. I made it my phone background. And, I'm not kidding...I can't stop looking at it. There is something perfect about the coloring and the lighting and it's just...beautiful. I told my husband that if I die soon, he better use that picture at my funeral. Yeah, I'm weird and think things like that. LOL.
*I* am beautiful in that picture.
Why does it feel wrong to say that? Why isn't that OK? If my kids can say it to me, why can't I??? Well, starting now...I can.
Make no mistake about it...I will keep working hard. I have goals to reach. But I am beautiful now. And I need to start treating myself as such.
And so are you.